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Twas The Night Before Christmas - parody

by lang-lad 

Posted: 20 December 2012
Word Count: 562
Summary: A potential party piece for Christmas. Feel free to use.

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Based on The Night Before Christmas by Clement Clarke Moore - Rewritten without permission from anyone.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter nap—

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon, on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a lustre of midday to objects below;
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a clapped out old Datsun with a face at the wheel ... grinning from ear to ear,
With this beery old driver, his cheeks all aglow,
I knew in a moment, it was my Cousin Joe …. And Gnasher and Flasher and Brute and old Aunty Flo.

More rapid than eagles they all tumbled out
Joe whistled and hollered and called with a shout
“Now, Gnasher! Now, Flasher and Brute … Flo, as well!
Down, Gansher! Heel, Flasher! Brute! Dammit to Hell!

They entered the porch with a jostle and crash
I quietly, gingerly, pulled down the sash.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
My thoughts went to pieces. I looked through the spy-hole ... in the front door.

As outside the front door, the party assembled.
Three dogs, old Aunt Flo and my cousin. I trembled.
“Down! And keep schtum, Flo, you’ve got the mince pies?
Get ready to give them their Christmas Surprise.”

Joe was dressed in an overcoat, Flo wore a hat,
The dogs had on collars and muzzles and that.
A bundle of something was slung on his back
He looked like a burglar with swag in a sack.

The dogs’ eyes all twinkled, quite menacing truly,
Their noses all wet, their muzzles all drooly
And as for the spectre of Old Aunty Flo,
The beard on her chin was as white as the snow.

Her stumpy wee legs tapered down from huge thighs
In her hands was a plateful of round Christmas Pies.
Joe had a broad face, Flo had a round belly
I heard the dogs growl and my knees turned to jelly.

I grabbed the door handle, well, what else could I do?
And I laughed, involuntarily, as I beheld the whole crew.
A wink from my cousin, a twist of his head
The dogs stood quite still, my heart beat with dread.

Joe spoke not a word as he spread his arms wide
And the dogs padded round as they all came inside
And holding a finger up, Joe looked around
And giving a nod Flo emitted this sound ……………… hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

They burst into song, Joe, Flo and a dog,
The whole house was wakened, the kids all agog.
I couldn’t believe it, they sang loud and clear,
“We wish you a merry Woof Woof
“We wish you a merry Woof Woof
“We wish you a merry Woof Woof ………………… and a Happy New Year!”

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Comments by other Members

Becca at 18:02 on 20 December 2012  Report this post
Ha-ha, and a happy Christmas to you to!

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