Keep your eye on the ball son - Caddying For The President - Funny But True
Posted: 03 October 2012
Word Count: 558
Summary: I was 13 years old in 1980 when I had my first brush with golf and more specially caddying at the famous Portmarnock Golf Club in North County Dublin, Ireland. Lured by the promise of the chance to make a fiver or even possibly a tenner caddying I dutifully plodded my way to the imposing caddy shack where experienced boys and men were waiting for their callout.
|
Font Size
|
|
I was 11 years old in 1978 when I had my first brush with golf and more specially caddying at the famous Portmarnock Golf Club in North County Dublin in Ireland.
Lured by the promise of the chance to make a fiver or even possibly a tenner caddying I dutifully plodded my way to the imposing caddy shack where experienced boys and men were waiting for their callout. 3 hours of mindless boredom later, being the last lad in the caddy shack I got called to caddy for the president. The president of the club wow this should be worth a few quid I thought - even more surprised was I, when it was the president of the Country - Patrick Hillary. I couldn't believe my luck, Ka-ching I thought at the time I've struck gold. Even as the caddy master was busily looking for a more experienced caddy, I grabbed the presidents huge white golf bag and tore off in the direction of the first tee.
Such was my inexperience the president had to run after me and direct me away for the 18th green and towards the actual first tee box. Cut to the third tee box and the President leans down to me after I handed him the big wooden club, I didn't even know the names of the clubs, thats how green I was, he says "keep your eye on this ball now sonny I don't want to loose this, why don't you run off there down the fairway a bit and keep an eagle eye out". Yes sir President sir - I was like a trained gun dog. I tore off down the third fairway, without his golf bag, waiting for the big shot and determined not to loose the ball. The president swung a big shot and off the tiny white ball soared and I could see it coming straight for this sandy stuff that someone had left right in the middle of the grass. I immediately jumped into the sandy stuff and grabbed the ball and shouted with glee - I have it - I found it , its all right, it landed in this sand but its ok I got it. Disbelief on the face of my compatriot caddy, shock on the Presidents face, bewilderment on the face of his golf partner, there was a mallee and then orders from El Presidente , "put it down , what are you doing, leave it there". "
"You'll never hear the end of this in the caddy shack" said my caddy colleague with a smirk. Needless to say 18 miserable, long and lonely holes later of dropping the huge golf bag at inopportune moments and loosing about three of his wooly knitted, funny looking golf cover thingies there wasn't much tip money in the goodwill tank of the president and all I had to go home with was a story that I caddied for the president. So lessons learned at 11 years of age were 1. learn a little about what the hell your about to do, 2. Even the big fish when landed can end up not as great as first thought, 3. Know when to quit and never ever be seen in the caddy shack again in Portmarnock. 4. Move to a different golf club to continue young caddy career.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 GaiusCoffey at 23:37 on 05 November 2012
 Report this post
|
Hi Cormac,
I’m not sure how much experience of critting you’ve had, so the usual disclaimer applies; I hope my comments are helpful, but they are only an opinion. Take anything you find useful and ignore anything you don’t. Also, if it looks like I’ve written a lot, most of it is quite minor, it’s just that I wanted to explain my points and explanations mean word-count.
Anyway, disclaimer disclaimed, on we go…
Overall, this was a pleasant memoir of the cringing awkwardness of getting it wrong as a child. I think we’ve all been there and I enjoyed your discomfort in this piece partly because I could identify with it and partly through good, honest Schadenfreude! I enjoyed the humour and can imagine it being an engaging tale when shared over a swift pint or two.
That said, the written word is very different to the spoken word and a lot of things that work as a funny spoken story can feel a bit slow when written down (and vice-versa…).
When I am in a pub, I am sharing time with friends and I am interested in their stories because I am interested in them. If somebody I know and love has a tedious run-in with bureaucracy, that’s interesting because I care about the person. If they tell me something is surprising or whatever, I will likely go along with it because I am in a social situation where I am participating through being there. The experience is the pub and listening to somebody else’s story is often an occasion to search for tales to recount to keep the conversation going for another pint or two.
But, when I read, I like to immerse myself in the situation and, ideally, forget about the story-teller entirely. The chances are I have never met the writer and probably never will. They don’t know I’m reading and I don’t care what they think about that. I am reading for pleasure, for my pleasure, and I can only participate through experiencing the words on the page.
To give you an example:
| I didn't even know the names of the clubs, thats how green I was |
|
The quoted fragment is undoubtedly true but it is just a statement and I have to take it at face value. If I believe it, then fine, I know you don’t know one lumpy stick from another lumpy stick. If I don’t believe it, then fine also, I just stop reading. I haven’t bought into the story because I’m not involved in the story.
As a reader, I don’t want to be told, I want to make up my own mind about your familiarity with golfing bats.
To transition from the pub-style story into an amusing piece of writing (and there is definitely humour in here) you could rewrite that to demonstrate your ignorance instead. Visualise the scene, then write it as you experienced it. For example, you could write the dialogue of being asked for a club and describe the sinking feeling as you look at what is, to all intents, a bag of sticks.
Remember, as a reader, I want to get close in on the action and to _be_ the main character _experiencing_ the events on the page. You will probably find it uses a lot more words (definitely more than you’d ever get away with using in a pub) but it will feel like less as you read it because there will be more going on, more to experience.
And then reread it and cut out half of what you’ve just written!
Seriously. I mean it. Once you have the scene down, you’ll probably see a lot of details that you don’t need or that actively get in the way of the reader experiencing your cringing.
| Lured by the promise of the chance to make a fiver or even possibly a tenner caddying I dutifully plodded my way to the imposing caddy shack where experienced boys and men were waiting for their callout. |
|
Fragment in bold: “the promise” and “the chance” have very similar meanings here and so feel repetitive, similarly “a fiver or even possibly a tenner” feels repetitive and a bit indecisive. I’d be inclined to reword and simplify.
Fragment in italic: Were you “Lured” or were you “Compelled” to go caddying? “Plodding” suggests an unwillingness that contradicts the interest in “Lured.”
| 3 hours of mindless boredom later |
|
Convention has it you should write “Three hours” rather than “3 hours” here. As a question, does “mindless” add anything to the concept of “boredom”? I’d be inclined to strike “mindless”.
| The president of the club wow this should be worth a few quid I thought - even more surprised was I, when it was the president of the Country - Patrick Hillary. I couldn't believe my luck, Ka-ching I thought at the time I've struck gold. |
|
I found this difficult to decipher because your thoughts are so closely tied into the text. I think it would be clearer if you either wrapped your thoughts in quotation marks or italicised them.
| Even as the caddy master was busily looking for a more experienced caddy, I grabbed the presidents huge white golf bag and tore off in the direction of the first tee. Such was my inexperience the president had to run after me and direct me away for the 18th green and towards the actual first tee box. |
|
1. Again, this is a perfect opportunity to expand into a scene. “Such was my inexperience” is _telling_ me what to think. Whereas, you could get me, as a reader, closer into the action if you rewrote that as something like; “I grabbed the president’s huge, white golf-bag and ran towards the green. I was half-way there before the president caught me and explained, with a pained look, that I was heading to the eighteenth green. I tried not to catch his eye as I turned back the way I’d come toward the actual first tee box.”
2. By “the presidents huge white golf bag” you meant “the golf-bag belonging to the president” so you need an apostrophe: “the president’s huge, white golf bag”
3. The opening (in bold) feels a bit wordy and clunky. I would suggest rewording it.
4. Some assorted typos:
“thats how green I was” >> “that’s how green I was”
“I don't want to loose this” >> “I don’t want to lose this”
“not to loose the ball” >> “not to lose the ball”
“and loosing about three” >> “and losing about three”
“Loose” is like a lion that’s escaped it’s cage.
“Lose” is something you do to your car keys.
| Yes sir President sir - I was like a trained gun dog. I tore off down the third fairway, without his golf bag, waiting for the big shot and determined. |
|
This is confusingly worded and, without punctuation to delineate your thoughts, also unclear. Read that last clause especially and think what “determined” applies to. Would benefit from rewording.
| The president swung a big shot and off the tiny white ball soared and I could see it coming straight for this sandy stuff that someone had left right in the middle of the grass. |
|
“off the tiny white ball soared” might work in informal spoken English, but is a bit laboured here. I’d suggest rewording it to something that sounds more natural.
| I immediately jumped into the sandy stuff and grabbed the ball and shouted with glee - I have it - I found it , its all right, it landed in this sand but its ok I got it. Disbelief on the face of my compatriot caddy, shock on the Presidents face, bewilderment on the face of his golf partner, there was a mallee and then orders from El Presidente , "put it down , what are you doing, leave it there". |
|
Again, this would be a perfect opportunity to expand and build it into a scene where I, as a reader, can really get involved. It would also be clearer to read and understand with a bit of punctuation to delineate your thoughts from the surrounding detail.
(Ultra pick: You’ve written “ , ” [with a space before the comma] a couple of times when convention places the space only after the comma.)
“its all right” >> “it’s all right” (“it is” rather than “it belongs to”)
“mallee” >> What’s one of those then?
So don’t say it? ; More seriously, what does that cliché add to your writing? I’d just cut it.
| 18 miserable, long and lonely holes later of dropping the huge golf bag at inopportune moments and loosing about three of his wooly knitted, funny looking golf cover thingies there wasn't much tip money in the goodwill tank of the president and all I had to go home with was a story that I caddied for the president. |
|
I know what you mean, now, but I had to reread a few times. It would be much better broken up into a few shorter, clearer sentences with fewer ideas for each one. You’re on a writing site! Don’t be afraid to use some words. 
“18 miserable” >> “Eighteen miserable” (Just convention.)
“wooly” >> “woolly”
| So lessons learned at 11 years of age were 1. learn a little about what the hell your about to do, 2. Even the big fish when landed can end up not as great as first thought, 3. Know when to quit and never ever be seen in the caddy shack again in Portmarnock. 4. Move to a different golf club to continue young caddy career. |
|
1. This would be much clearer laid out as a list with each of your four points on a separate line
2. This would make the most of the humour if you trimmed it back a bit so as to build more succinctly to the punch-line
Having reread my crit, I realise it looks like a lot but the typos and punctuation things are really very minor and you will quickly get into the habit of reading through and seeing them for yourself. So there are really only two issues I found:
1. The “show not tell” thing which is a way of thinking about writing as much as anything – don’t tell me what to think, give me the scene and let me experience it and then decide what’s going on for myself.
2. You have made some clumsy sentences by trying to pack too much in to too little. You’re on a writing site! Don’t be afraid to use some words. Less ideas per sentence and more sentences will help to make your writing more readable.
As per my opening, I hope some of this is useful but it is just an opinion, so please ignore anything you think is not what you are trying to do.
Thanks for the read,
Gaius
| |
GaiusCoffey at 23:58 on 05 November 2012
Report this post
|
ps: Just noticed this:
| Summary: I was 13 years old in 1980 when I |
|
And this:
| I was 11 years old in 1978 |
|
So which is it Mr Kelly? *turns bright light around to shine directly into eyes*
| |
| |
CMKC 
Comments by other Members
