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Last train to Ventnor

by YeOldeMariner 

Posted: 21 September 2012
Word Count: 299
Summary: Written for a 300 word flash comp.Does it work?


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Last Train to Ventnor


The weekend didn’t turn out as I expected…or wanted.

My nightmare…how I wish it’d been just that …began on a visit to the Isle of Wight.

My Aunt Dora had died two weeks previously and I had been asked, as her favourite nephew, to make arrangements for her funeral.

I arrived on Fridays last boat at around midnight. The Pier head was deserted except for a red train ticking over… waiting.

I appeared to be the only passenger although the lights were dim. There may have been someone…a lady I think…sat in a dark corner of the carriage.

The train moved silently down the pier passing through a crowded station. Those waiting seemed oblivious of our presence.

My spine turned to ice.

The carriage began to rattle as it hurtled through shrouded countryside.

Brading appeared and disappeared as did Sandown.

The lady in the shadows stayed motionless.

I saw the next station was Shanklin, where I’d been told to disembark.

The train slowed.

I rose to leave.

The shadowy figure didn’t flinch.

The train increased speed.

It rattled along.

I was numb with fear.

The train slowed. and gently drew to a halt. I fell in my haste to leave .

A bony hand lifted me to my feet

“I told you ghosts existed.”
“What...who…”
“Why, dear don’t you recognise your old Aunt Dora. You were always a clumsy little boy”

I looked round. She’d vanished…as had the station. I ran down a steep hill colliding with a policeman


“Now then sir have you been drinking?” he said grabbing my arm.

“No…No… I’ve just got off the train and I was in a rush.”

“Train?. Now I know you’re drunk. The last train to Ventnor was twenty years ago… to the date I believe”



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Comments by other Members



mongoose at 18:46 on 21 September 2012  Report this post
I like it It reminds me of a black and white film (1941) called The Ghost Train - it's on YouTube, I think.

I like the sentence "my spine turned to ice". I wonder if you could alter the sentence "I was numb with fear"? It doesn't sound too original but an alternative might work. The reason I say that is if you are numb with fear, you wouldn't feel (literally) the full horror of being touched by the bony hand.

Could you contrast the sensation of being touched by the bony hand with the warm and living flesh of the policeman when he grabs your arm? It would be a nice touch to contrast the touch of the dead and the living.

I hope you win!

AlanH at 02:00 on 22 September 2012  Report this post
Hi,
A reasonably effective story, I think. I wonder if there could be a connection between the discontinued train and Dora? I asked myself how did she die? Was it connected with Ventnor / Shanklin and the train? For me, it could have a better 'chilled spine' feel to it.

Yes, it does have a pleasant 'old-fashioned' feel, and it's all the better for it. I like the policeman's attitude. It reminded me of the ghost story "Whistle and I'll come to you" that was made into a brilliant short film many years ago. Michael Hordern was the man haunted. He had an experience on a train that I was reminded of while reading.

On a more mundane level, I was conscious of your use of ellipses. I think they are very useful punctuation marks, but they do have a clear function, and in this case I think you could use other means to achieve your ends (commas / hyphens). Also, the standard for ellipses is to have a space character before and after the three periods.
There are a couple of places near the end where you have missed out the full stop (after boy and believe).

Regarding the night setting, would there be a crowded station? Or was that hallucinatory? Did the discontued train run after midnight? Is the story based on actual railway history?

So, yes, in answer to your question, it does work. I think you're 90 there. If you could just link in Dora's death in some way, I think it could have a more chilling impact. I think you could lose enough words to make room for this.

Good luck with it.

<Added>

90 per cent. (the sign doesn't format)

Bald Man at 00:17 on 26 September 2012  Report this post
Hi Michael

I like the ending, and you build the tension well.

Some minor points I noted:

"Fridays last boat... " 'Fridays' should have an apostrophe (possessive usage)

"...turned to ice." This metaphor felt a little over-used in this context.

"Train?." No full stop needed, as the question mark serves the same purpose.

"I rose to leave. The shadowy figure didn’t flinch." 'Flinch' suggests someone drawing back in fear, but I believed you meant that the shadowy figure didn't move?

I agree with Alan re. use of ellipses. Suggest, for example, in lines one and two you could replace these with dashes, and in lines fours and five with commas.

Good luck with this.


Colin (a newbie on this thread)

MPayne at 08:39 on 27 September 2012  Report this post

Hi Michael,

I’m a bit late to this and the others have covered most of what I noted while reading. I must say, I agree with Alan that it’d enrich this if you could link Dora’s death to the train/closed line – but that’s quite a hard ask for a 300 wd piece, I realise! It would up the creepy factor if it could be done. I also noted the ellipses – I think it’s easy to fall into using them to try to add to the suspense but they often end up being more distracting than anything else.

The carriage began to rattle as it hurtled through shrouded countryside.


I thought ‘shrouded countryside’ was very effective.

Most of the typos I noted have already been pointed out. In addition to these I spotted an extraneous full stop after ‘The train slowed’ and missing full stops after ‘feet’ and ‘policeman’.

Best of luck with the comp!

Michelle










eve26 at 18:33 on 01 October 2012  Report this post
I enjoyed this.
Like the others it reminded me of an old film or one of those horror short stories they used to do in the sixties (I used to love those)
I do wonder if Aunt Dora would have something more to say (i.e. some other reason for coming back) than just showing him ghosts exist.
But for a flash i really enjoyed it

Max China at 22:22 on 29 May 2013  Report this post
Hi Michael, I read this before I realised the date you posted it.

My thoughts are that you have an interesting story. With a little clever tweaking and choice of verbs, you could turn it into a real spine-chiller. eg. I appeared to be the only passenger although the lights were dim. There may have been someone…a lady I think…sat in a dark corner of the carriage.
Consider: I was the only passenger on the train, the lights flickered as it left the staion, plunging the carriage into darkness before coming back on. In the furthest corner of the carriage, sat a lady, her face obscured by shadow.

Good luck with the story, and remember you have a building block from which you could easily construct something bigger if you wanted.

Max


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