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A Bit of a Blow

by Cornelia 

Posted: 20 August 2012
Word Count: 247
Summary: My inspiration for the week 422 challenge


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Who’d have thought this is how his life would end: one minute walking across the heath, bent into the wind, then a sudden blow to the skull. The place was deserted, apart from a few kids near a distant church, flying kites.

Ben fell backwards onto the grass and watched as white clouds scudded overhead. He couldn’t move; sensed only the few moments left, as his lifeblood drained into the black earth.

Ben knew what they’d say; could almost hear them now. There’d been no excuse for the affair with his best friend’s wife. Of course they excused themselves, blamed their overwhelming passion. Whatever it was, it made them lose all sense of time, place and loyalty.

But who’d have thought the old man would take his revenge? Who’d have thought he had it in him - not just the strength, but the cunning.

He must have watched for days, then picked the right spot, up here on the heath, where Ben took his mid-day stroll.

The attack came from behind, the noise of footsteps muffled and carried away by the gusts. The blow once dealt, he’d made his escape.

Ben heard faint cries, carried on the wind. He thought of seagulls and a turning tide; shingle beneath his feet.

As darkness closed in, he didn’t see the boy run towards him, although he felt a vibration in the earth. He made no answer when the voice sang out: ‘Please, Mister, can I have my kite back?’







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Comments by other Members



euclid at 17:04 on 20 August 2012  Report this post
Lovely piece.

Well done, Sheila.


You should award the prize to yourself!

JJ

PS

he didn’t see the boy run towards him, although he felt the ground shake


Must have been a pretty big boy if the ground shook!

Cornelia at 17:10 on 20 August 2012  Report this post
Lol. Thanks, Euclid, and I think you are right. Maybe it could vibrate or shudder.

I was worried that the mention of the kite flying at the start gave the game away too early.

Sheila

Prospero at 12:05 on 21 August 2012  Report this post
Ah. yes. I remember this one.

Best

John

blob at 17:28 on 21 August 2012  Report this post
Agree this is a great flash. I did notice the kites at the beginning but didn't guess the ending.

he didn’t see the boy run towards him, although he felt the ground shake - or did he feel the earth move... ;

<Added>

I did want to suggest getting the kites in earlier to set the scene but I like your opening line too much

(and I saw you'd changed the vibration, which works better)

Cornelia at 23:07 on 21 August 2012  Report this post
Thanks for the feedback on this.I'm still not happy with it despite the lots of edits. Well-remembered, all the same.

I live down the hill from this heath. The idea came to me when I was crossing and noticed the force with which one heavy pointed kite came down.

Sheila

Desormais at 12:49 on 23 August 2012  Report this post
I too remember this Sheila, and I liked it the first time I read it. What's unusual about this is that you tell the entire story in the first sentence, then bring in a bit of a red herring, and then a twist. I think you should do something with this one.

Sandra

Bunbry at 18:54 on 23 August 2012  Report this post
Hi Shelia I think this has legs but should be longer, so it's more of a story rather than a punch-line set up which I feel it is a bit at the moment.

It reminds me of a Rhol Dahl story so you are in good company.

But who’d have thought the old man would take his revenge?
I'm not sure how old the woman was but the husband sounds every old and frail. As they were best friends perhaps make them similar ages.

Hope this helps

Nick

Cornelia at 09:30 on 24 August 2012  Report this post
Thanks. Sandra - I've posted it here!

Bunbury, thanks for the comment about it making a short story -that's a good idea. I'd like to write some 'scenes' involving the dead man, his pal and the woman. Maybe it would make one of those police procedurals - if the kid took the kite away, there'd be no evidence of how he died.

I'll put in on the list I'm making for NaNoWriMo. Instead of a novel, I'm going to write 30 short story drafts.

Sheila

Dave Morehouse at 19:14 on 24 August 2012  Report this post
I'll put in on the list I'm making for NaNoWriMo. Instead of a novel, I'm going to write 30 short story drafts.



My, my Sheila. Thirty drafts in a month is a huge mountain to climb. Best of luck with that. I think you may have the first one, and a great one at that, right here. Dave

Cornelia at 21:09 on 24 August 2012  Report this post
Thanks Dave. This doesn't count, though - I have to more or less start from scratch and each is 2,000 words long - to be cut or lengthened later. I'm collecting title and one-sentence outlines.

Sheila

Dave Morehouse at 21:30 on 24 August 2012  Report this post
Goodness. I can already hear the whips cracking. ; Good luck. We'll be rooting for you come November. Dave

Cornelia at 22:16 on 24 August 2012  Report this post
Thanks. I did it a couple of years back . You're really supposed to do the first 50,000 words of a novel. I just want to get some outlines to work on, and I already have quite a few.

Sheila

V`yonne at 11:27 on 25 August 2012  Report this post
Nicely done Sheila!

Cornelia at 11:30 on 25 August 2012  Report this post
V'yonne, thanks for your comment.I think I'm getting back into flash fiction, much to my surprise. Must be because I keep reading it. Now will the same happen with poetry, I wonder?

Sheila


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