Night In, Night Out
Posted: 17 August 2012
Word Count: 104
Summary: For the prose and poetry exercise.
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Night In, Night Out
The whiskey pauses, passes my lips. Regret sets in. Yes, a warm friend on the margins of my tongue is agreeable and the burn in the belly blushes my cheeks, yet I recognize that solitary shot will never, ever be sufficient on this damp fusty evening when the air lies still; waiting at the brink of rain. A wallet opens; beckons the barkeep. Yes, please. Another.
Night In, Night Out
Two whiskey fingers hesitate midair, then disappear.
Regret hangs heavy.
Liquid acquaintances, daily maintenance
for a decade and more.
Dismal weather drives us in droves,
indoors, under a barkeep’s umbrella.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 15:47 on 17 August 2012
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Well I like them both Dave though the second paints a slightly different picture - that of a habitual drinker... In the first poem that message is a lot more subliminal.
The second has the immediacy of the shots drinker without mentioning the word shot which I think is better.
I would replace with on line 1 as sink has more thrust.
I loved the use of internal rhyme internal being wholly appropriate to the sentiments in line 3 and the alliteration of the hard d sounds - d for hardened drinkers - very good 
I have to say barkeep's sounds strange as we'd say barkeeper's and it could just be
| under the barkeeper's unbrella |
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which is a very clever line and an very clever excuse.
I would say the stanza poem here is best. You used the tools of poetry so well in that one.
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 FelixBenson at 16:11 on 18 August 2012
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Hi Dave
I agree with Oonah, it's really interesting to see how a slightly different picture is drawn in the prose poem to the stanza poem. There is a little more explanation which is nature of prose, although not necessarily prose poetry I suppose. Maybe it is more like stream of consciousness...it's hard to pinpoint, but that what makes this sort of exercise interesting.
Both poems have deliciously good lines:
| the burn in the belly blushes my cheeks |
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and | The whiskey pauses, passes my lips. Regret sets in. |
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in the first and | Two whiskey fingers hesitate midair, then disappear. |
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and daily maintenance /
for a decade and more. |
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I liked the way the whiskey almost had a life of its own in both poems but especially the second one ...and, just to confuse the issue, I'll disagree with Oonah and say I did like because it makes the line very visual - this glass hanging in the air and then the drink disappearing, almost like the invisible man was drinking it. I think that's a bit more interesting that sinks (IMHO, that is). It works, plus it underlines that feeling of 'oh the whiskey has got nothing to do with me, it orders itself and then disappears, I don't have anything to do with the whole process...' which is great, and really gives the poem a lugubrious feel.
It would be interesting to hear your take on the process of writing these two. Why became for example. The former is more authorial somehow, whereas the second perhaps is more immediate and suggesting action. Not sure. But it would be interesting to hear what decisions you made and why, because without a doubt both poems are related (siblings?) but have a slightly different feel.
Interesting!
I enjoyed reading and pondering these.
Kirsty
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 Dave Morehouse at 18:11 on 19 August 2012
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My goodness. A note of gratitude to both of you. This exercise suited me well because every poem I have written in the last month has had two versions; one as stanzas and one as a prose poem. I have done it as an experiment to see if it gave my stanza poems more clarity. (I think it has.) In any case, it has helped me to look at my poetry from different angles, if you will.By spending more time on them they become less personal perhaps. It also forces me to differentiate between them so they don't look like the same words repeated with different shapes. Additionally, I find the prose versions more difficult to write for the reader. With a stanza poem I can always end a line and force the reader to breath, pause, hesistate. In the prose version I need to address the issue of rhythm and breath differently. I tried to do that here also. I have found that by writing two versions I read them over and over. It helps me to find quirks and interruptions in pace. At least, I hope that's what is going on. I am still new to all this and trying to learn as much as I can. ;
Oonah. Thanks, as always for your great insight. Barkeep is U.S. slang, and an old one at that. Barkeeper would indeed be a better choice. It also would match up better with 'umbrella' as far as syllable count is concerned. Thanks for that. The 'disappears' v. 'sinks' question is still up in the air for me. I would like to find something even better but I have done what I could with an old and mushy brain so far.
Kirsty. Thanks for your comments. It would be interesting to hear your take on the process of writing these two. Why Regret sets in.
became Regret hangs heavy
for example. The former is more authorial somehow, whereas the second perhaps is more immediate and suggesting action. Not sure. But it would be interesting to hear what decisions you made and why, because without a doubt both poems are related (siblings?) but have a slightly different feel.
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I used "hangs heavy" to mirror the "hesitates" in the preceeding line of the stanza poem.
"Regret sets" was an alliteration thing which forces the reader to pause (I hope!)and take a breath. It was used to help establish a rhythm. "pauses/passes, belly/blushes, and never/ever" were used to try and produce the same effect.
Yes, the whiskey is the real MC here in both poems. In the first narrator is alone, even among others. This portion "I recognize that solitary shot will never, ever be sufficient" compares the solitary shot as not being enough to the solitary existence of the narrator - perhaps due to whiskey, perhaps not. In the second, the whiskey is more clearly the driving force in the narrator's life. For him to think otherwise is both human and delusional.
Thanks again to both of you, Dave.
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 James Graham at 12:15 on 21 August 2012
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It’s interesting to note how different the two poems are. The verse isn’t merely a rearrangement of the prose, it’s a re-imagining. Obviously the two have much in common, but they’re different poems.
The prose narrator is more present and more introspective, more self-examining. Either he is alone in the bar - a Hopper figure - or there are others but he’s not aware of them. In the verse version there’s no ‘I’, only ‘us’. It reads as an observation of, and reflection on, the bar crowd generally - though he is one of them. Perhaps only the narrator has had the habit ‘for a decade and more’ - only he knows how long - but this may apply to others in the bar too.
This for me is the difference between two key phrases: ‘Regret sets in’ for the narrator internally, like a sour aftertaste following the pleasant warmth on the tongue and in the belly. But ‘Regret hangs heavy’ in the air, like smoke. The narrator feels it, but it seems to be shared by others. The last two lines of the verse version confirm that it’s a collective experience.
The two do have at least one thing in common: the projection of guilt on to externals, which I think is psychologically very true. In ‘The whiskey pauses, passes my lips’ - and in the first verse line - it’s the whiskey that seems to be the agent. It’s the wallet that beckons the barkeeper, even asks for another drink. The weather, too, is to blame; perhaps not only the weather but also, we can imagine, such things as family problems, problems at work, the state the world’s in.
I very much like the way you’ve handled the transition from one form to the other, the way you have managed a different perspective when reworking in stanza form.
On a lighter note, we all know the ‘warm friend’ can become a terrible liability, but all the same it’s wonderful stuff!
James.
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 Nella at 16:38 on 21 August 2012
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This is a great exercise, and you've done both forms well. I really like the stanza poem, especially the ending (and like that slang version of barkeeper, which actually I've never heard, but I'll believe you).
I think you know I'm not a fan of prose poetry, but I think this one is a good example of a well-crafted prose poem. You've made really good use of internal rhyme and alliteration. Like Kirsty, I really enjoyed this line: | the burn in the belly blushes my cheeks |
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Good job!!
Robin
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