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The discovery of the first body

by mongoose 

Posted: 21 July 2012
Word Count: 2719
Summary: This is chapter 3 or 4 from The Archaeology of Murder. The dig team have returned to the UK, we have already seen them at the university and learned more about them. In the previous chapter, the detective has been introduced.


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The discovery of the body/ Ch 3/ 4

The journey to 384 Bath Road was swift due to the use of the sirens on the marked police car. Detective Sergeant David McCoy was expertly manoeuvring the car across the busy town centre. Carolinne was watching the window-shaped snatches of sky pass by. The grey clouds looked like thumbprints of smudged cigarette ash on a white canvas and hidden away somewhere very far above, there would be the sun and the blue sky. But there was no sun today, only the ash grey clouds extending for as far as the eye could see. If this turned out to be a murder then the weather suited the occasion. Catherine often thought that investigating deaths in the glorious sunshine was incongruous. As they neared towards the end of their journey, the police car began to snake its way in and out of the backed-up traffic as the road outside the scene of the crime had been closed. Carolinne had noticed the relevant section of houses on many occasions before and wondered why they had never been renovated and rented out or sold.
The row of 10 properties stood to the left side of the road near a four-way traffic intersection. They were a series a three story houses with only the width of the pavement to separate them from the seemingly ceaseless flow of noisy traffic. A black painted and peeling iron fence ran along the length of all the faded properties. It was punctuated by a series of openings that gave entrance onto the stone flights of stairs that led up to the front doors of each property with a small staircase to the left of each opening that gave direct access down into the basement. The properties must have at one time all been painted white but this had turned a light shade of grey with the years of fumes from all of the passing traffic. Grey thought Carolinne, everything is grey today. The wooden front doors looked like they had once been elegant and had been painted with glossy blue or red paint but now they too were covered with a layer of grime and dirt. Surprisingly for a series of abandoned properties, not one of the tall sash windows in the row of houses was broken.

The immediate area around the junction had been cordoned off. Carolinne and David drove up to the outer cordon, got out of the car and walked towards the property. The marked police car that had answered the initial 999 call was parked behind the ambulance outside number 384. Carolinne had been told over the radio in the car on the way to the scene that the paramedics had officially declared the victim to be dead. Before they entered the property Carolinne and David put on the necessary protective white overalls before they crossed the inner cordon.

They entered the property by the lower door and walked into the dingy and dusty basement apartment. The sound of the traffic became slightly duller as they entered the room but it was loud enough to surely have always formed a continuous stream of background noise to whoever had once lived in this house. Some daylight was coming in through the grimy window that looked out partly onto the pavement of the street above and a sticky looking dust-coated single light bulb hanging from the ceiling shed a low artificial light over one half of the room. The daylight was half omitted by a thick blackout curtain that was strung across the window. Underneath the window was a dirty Belfast sink set into a wooden draining board with an old bottle of washing liquid and a stale smelling pile of fabric that must once have been used as a dish cloth.

Carolinne nodded a greeting to the Scenes of Crime Officer, Eugene Harrison, who had already arrived and who was busy making a preliminary examination of the room.
“These are the papers you need” said one of the paramedics handing them to Carolinne. “Nothing that we could do, he’s been dead a while. We’ll get out of your hair and leave you to it” he said as he picked up his responder bag and he and his colleague climbed back up the basement steps and out into clearer and purer air.

Carolinne glanced at the papers she had been given and turned her full attention to the room that they were in. To the side and at a right angle to the sink were some stained and scarred sea green work surfaces and wall mounted kitchen units that looked like they had been installed in the 1970’s. There was an array of dirty cups and plates and half a loaf of stale bread and a half empty pot of supermarket jam on the side. There were used match boxes, bits of tin foil and tobacco shavings all over the former work surface and mixed in were stale breadcrumbs and smears of food. The room extended further back to where there was an old tall fridge on the right hand side and a shabby beige corner sofa to the left. There was no light fitting at that end of the room so at first glance the kitchen area seemed to stretch back into some sort of infinite murky gloom. The kitchen half of the room was fitted with what had once been a cream linoleum flooring that was now stained, sticky and pitted with cigarette burns and small circular indentations that probably had been made by at least one pair of high heeled shoes over a number of years. The further half of the room was fitted with a well-worn carpet of now indeterminate colour but perhaps it had been once been a shade of green and chosen to match the work surfaces. To the back and to the right of the corner sofa was a door leading off into another room.

The room was dominated by the scene in the middle of the kitchen area. There was a well-worn and ring-marked rectangular wooden dining table surrounded by four matching and similarly stained wooden chairs. On the table were more dirty cups, empty beer cans, used syringes, empty packets of fizzy sweets, what looked like sugar cubes that had been dipped in something. Two saucers had been used as ash trays, both of which had been filled to overflowing with hand-rolled and packet bought cigarette butts that had long since brimmed over onto the surface of the table. Carolinne observed all this in a quick survey of the room.

At the table, in the chair nearest the door, was the body of a young man. He was slumped forward on the table with his head to one side and his arms resting up on the surface of the table with his hands and fingers splayed out almost as if before he died he was going to give an impression of how to play the piano. At the base of his neck below the line of his dark hair and above the slightly greasy collar of his maroon red shirt and black leather jacket was a small puncture wound that had bled slightly so that a thin trail of blood had trickled down the left side of his neck and congealed in a small pool, forming a new type of stain on the already discoloured table.

Carolinne turned a questioning glance to one of the PCs already on the scene.
“This is how we found him ma’am”, said one of the constables. “A call came through at approximately 2.00pm from one of the university security team to say that they had had a call from a lady who works in a clothes shop in the town. Seems she was walking into town and on her way to her afternoon shift, the store she works in is open for late-night shopping on a Thursday. She said she normally catches the bus but she had put on a bit of weight after the family holiday to Spain last month as so now she is walking to work whenever she can. She likes all those home make-over programs that are on the television and she always looks at these houses and imagines what she would do with them. As she walked by number 384, she noticed that the basement door to the front of the property was slightly open and being curious, she started down the first few steps. Thinking better of it and fearing that the drivers in the cars stopped at the traffic lights would wonder what she was doing, she walked further along and dialled the number on a board in one of the windows that stated that the properties were patrolled by the university security team. One of their security officers came over within ten minutes, discovered the body and put a call straight through to us. Myself and Constable Palmer were on the scene within five minutes.”

“Did the shop worker and the security guard both come down and find the body?”

“No ma’am, just the security guard. The woman was too wary of what she might find by that stage. I have taken the details of the security guard and the lady and they are up on the street talking to PC Palmer now. The security guard didn’t touch the body at all, thought it best to call us in. I haven’t touched the body other than just to check for a pulse but I knew that he was dead as he was ice cold. The paramedics arrived just after we did and declared him dead.”

Seemingly satisfied with his initial tour of the scene, Harrison began taking the photographic equipment out of a sturdy black box. Carolinne had worked with him before. He was a short sallow faced man with hunched shoulders, receding brown hair and slightly sunken eyes. All this combined to give him a slightly skeletal and deathly appearance. If owners start to look like their dogs then maybe professionals start to look like their professions, she thought to herself. She knew he still lived with his mother and reflected that having been named Eugene and in possession of an unprepossessing appearance it may be his fate that he was always going to live with his mother. He was called Harrison by most of the others in the police force as many people couldn’t keep a straight face whilst addressing him by his first name.

Carolinne turned to him. “So, what does it look like?”

“I’ll just have a little look” he replied. Harrison began slowly walking behind the body and studying its position from each angle. He held his own head slightly to one side as if looking at something that he had never seen before. To Carolinne, the mixed look of inquisitiveness and concentration on his face was almost comical.

He leaned closer over the body and visually examined it. “The paramedics said that he’s quite cold. The coroner will be able to say with greater accuracy but he probably died last night. It’s quite cool down here and a bit damp so the I should think that the body probably cooled down quickly.”

Carolinne moved over and stood next to him. “What about that neck wound? Does it look like the cause of death?”

“It’s hard to say at the minute but I can’t see any other signs of an external injury. The entry wound looks quite smooth around the edges and the skin doesn’t look distorted. Maybe the weapon was something smooth, thin and pointed. 4 to 5 millimetres in diameter or thereabouts? There’s some bruising around the wound so he was probably alive when the object was thrust in but no wider area of bruising around the outside so whatever it was may not have had a handle, or if it did, it didn’t forcefully hit the skin when the weapon was forced into the flesh. Some sort of skewer maybe? I’ll check all the kitchen drawers in here but it might be worth asking your men to look for anything long and thin with a pointed end that may have been dropped in the surrounding area.”

“So it was probably the fatal injury?” asked Carolinne.

“Like I said, the coroner will be able to say for certain but if the weapon was long enough and thrust in with force then it would have entered the brain or certainly severely damaged the brain stem so it isn’t likely that he lived long after the attack. I can’t see any obvious signs of a struggle, the chair isn’t pulled out at an angle and the body is sitting flush against the edge of the table. He couldn’t have made the wound himself and I can’t see the weapon so someone must have taken it away. So I don’t think it was an accidental death.”

Carolinne didn’t mind that Harrison volunteered his own theories about what may or may not have happened. She knew that he was an expert in his area and that he was known for being extremely organised and methodical.

“How many cigarette butts are there?” David said to Harrison whilst looking at the table with a smile.

“Enough to give someone at the lab a lot to do” said Harrison without returning the smile. “Plenty of DNA but not necessarily the particular sample that you may be looking for. I’ll get them tagged and bagged after I’ve done with the photographs.”

“OK” said Carolinne. “Well, if I’m not much mistaken this looks like some sort of squat. Drugs paraphernalia all over the place. It’s not one that is known to us, is it?” she asked turning to the constable.

“No Ma’am, I’ve not been aware of it before. Seems a bit risky with it being right on the main road and everything. I guess that’s what the blackout curtain was put up for.”

“What’s in the other rooms?” asked David, looking towards the door in the corner.

“I had a quick scout about when Harrison arrived and the paramedics were here. The whole place seems empty. There is a back entrance that leads onto an alley that looks like it goes behind all of the properties and then leads into a sort of overgrown wooded area between here and the next section of houses.”

“Well it’s possible that some of the other rooms in the building may be relevant for us” said Carolinne. Turning again to Harrison she said “start with this room at the bottom and work your way up if that’s OK? We’ll put a base of operations in a van outside for now. Constable, can you go up onto the street and ask PC Palmer to try and get some more information from the security guard about these properties and get a contact for who we need to speak to at the university?”

“Yes Ma’am” he said as he disappeared out of the doorway so that he too could breathe the clearer air.

“David, we’d best call in another unit and get a search going in the surrounding area for a possible weapon and get them to focus in the alley out the back and any of the overgrown areas where it could have been dumped.”

The team settled down to a methodical search of the room in order to get a clearer idea of what might have usually gone on in it before it became the scene of a murder. After the room had yielded up all its opportunities for forensic analysis and just before the undertakers were called, Carolinne slipped her gloved hands into the outer pockets of the black leather jacket that had become the death shroud of the victim. She pulled out a worn brown leather wallet and opened it. Pulling out the first plastic card in the series of card holders inside of it. “It’s a student union card for the University of Central Berkshire. Looks like the victim’s name is Peter Sacking.” Turning it over in her hands she said, “so, a university student killed in a university building that has been used as a squat for drugs and who knows what else. I think this will probably make the news of the local evening paper.”






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Comments by other Members



mongoose at 12:58 on 21 July 2012  Report this post
I have re-done chapter 1 and am just tweaking it but I thought I would let you read about the first actual body at last!

Manusha at 21:51 on 21 July 2012  Report this post
I look forward to reading this, Anita. I won't say when though because I completely blew my promise last time! ;

Libbie at 22:46 on 22 July 2012  Report this post
Hi Mongoose (love the name!)

I don’t normally read crime fiction so this is a bit of departure for me, but it’s certainly an intriguing story and I want to know why this chap was murdered. I also liked the description of the property, you paint the picture very well. I could feel my lip curling at the sticky dirt!

In terms of critiquing, the main thing that stood out for me was the fact that the writing could be pared down a bit, as there are repetitions of things that have already been said or unnecessary additions. I’ve marked the ones that stood out for me, but as we always used to say on here – take what you like of my comments and ignore the rest

But there was no sun today, only the ash grey clouds extending for as far as the eye could see


You've mentioned the ash colour earlier, so I'd delete it, and I would say "only grey clouds as far as the eye can see"

As they neared towards the end of their journey


Delete towards

They were a series a three story storey houses

storey not story

Carolinne glanced at the papers she had been given and turned her full attention to the room that they were in.


Carolinne glanced at the papers and turned her full attention to the room

1970’s


1970s

Carolinne observed all this in a quick survey of the room.


This bit is unnecessary as it’s obvious to the reader that Carolinne is surveying the room.

At the base of his neck below the line of his dark hair and above the slightly greasy collar of his maroon red


– red or maroon, not both

Seems she was walking into town and on her way to her afternoon shift, the store she works in is open for late-night shopping on a Thursday –


Just say she was going to work?

She said she normally catches the bus but she had put on a bit of weight after the family holiday to Spain last month as so now she is walking to work whenever she can.


Is this level of detail necessary? Unless she's a pivotal character.

“Did the shop worker and the security guard both come down and find the body together?”


Did the shop worker and the security guard find the body together?

If owners start to look like their dogs then maybe professionals start to look like their professions, she thought to herself


Nice!

She knew he still lived with his mother and reflected that having been named Eugene and in possession of an unprepossessing appearance it may be his fate that he was always going to live with his mother


maybe he was destined to never leave his mother

Although I'm not sure being called Eugene in this instance is a bad thing - think of Eugene Hunt from Life on Mars. There's no way he's a mummy's boy! I do like Carolinne's nn though!

He leaned closer over the body and visually examined it


He leaned closer over the body

Carolinne moved over and stood next to him


Carolinne walked over to him

“Yes Ma’am” he said as he disappeared out of the doorway so that he too could breathe the clearer air.


Isn’t he going because she told him to? Or am I being a bit too picky here?

Carolinne slipped her gloved hands into the outer pockets of the black leather jacket that had become the death shroud of the victim


Wouldn’t you be completely wrapped by a shroud? A jacket wouldn’t do that – bit pedantic of me, but thought I’d mention it.

“so, a university student killed in a university building that has been used as a squat for drugs and who knows what else. I think this will probably make the news of the local evening paper.”


A death – suspicious or unexplained would always make the evening paper (I know, because I work for one) – you could say “The local press will be all over this”


So what's going to happen next, then?

Libbie





Kirstybooth at 09:55 on 25 July 2012  Report this post
Very good, I enjoyed it, espeically all the descitpive phrases.

Small point,
Catherine often thought that investigating deaths in the glorious sunshine was incongruous.
Is it meant to be Catherine or Carolinne? Only that Catherone never appears again in the chapter so I wondered if it was a typo.

mongoose at 09:27 on 26 July 2012  Report this post
Thanks for the comments, they are very helpful It is supposed to be Carolinne not Catherine. I didn't even notice that mistake! This piece will be the fourth chapter and I just started work on the fifth last night. I have written later parts of the book already but haven't organised them into chapters yet.

Bunbry at 12:09 on 27 July 2012  Report this post
Hi Mongoose, I really enjoyed this despite not having read the previous chapters(yet!).

I agree with previous comments that you do tend to use more words than you perhaps need to, which can slow the story down a bit. This is all subjective, but I have removed about 130 words from the first section (See my edite version below, without I hope missing out any of the great details you included. Sometimes I've removed a 'was' ot a 'there' or reordered the words to reduce repetition. Or if something is obvious or unneeded (like 'marked' in 'Marked Police Car' I've cut it. See the changes I've made and compare it to the original. I'm sure you wont agree with them all, but you might see what I'm getting at.


The journey to 384 Bath Road was swift. DS McCoy manoeuvred the squad car skilfully across the busy town centre, sirens speeding his passage. Meanwhile, Carolinne watched the window-shaped snatches of sky pass by. There was no sun today and the grey clouds looked like thumbprints of smudged cigarette ash on a white canvas sun. If this turned out to be a murder then the weather suited the occasion. Carolinne often thought that investigating deaths in the glorious sunshine was incongruous. As they neared the end of their journey, the police car had to snake its way through backed-up traffic as the Bath Road had been closed. Carolinne had noticed these houses before and often wondered why they’d never been renovated by a clever developer.

The row of 10 properties stood to the left side of the road near a four-way traffic intersection. They were three story houses with only the width of the pavement to separate them from the seemingly ceaseless flow of noisy traffic. A black painted and peeling iron fence running along the length of the houses was punctuated by a series of opening onto the stone flights of stairs that led to their front doors. There was a small staircase to the left of each opening that gave direct access to the basements. They must have once been painted white but this had turned grey with the years of fumes from passing traffic. Grey thought Carolinne, everything is grey today. The wooden front doors looked like they had once been elegant but now they too were covered with a layer of grime and dirt. Surprisingly for a series of abandoned properties, not one of the tall sash windows was broken.

The area around the junction had been cordoned off. Carolinne and David drove up to this got out of the car and walked towards the property. The police car that had answered the initial 999 call was parked behind an ambulance although Carolinne had already been told over the radio the victim was dead. Carolinne and David put on protective white overalls before they crossed the inner cordon.

They entered the property by the lower door and walked into the dingy and dusty basement apartment. The sound of the traffic became slightly duller as they entered the room but it was loud enough to surely have been a continuous background noise to whoever lived in the house. Some daylight came through the grimy window that looked out onto the pavement of the street above while a sticky looking dust-coated light bulb hanging from the ceiling shed a low artificial light over half the room. The daylight was partly obscured by a thick blackout curtain strung across the window. Under the window a dirty Belfast sink was set into a wooden draining board. An old bottle of washing liquid and a filthy pile of fabric that must once have been used as a dish cloth lay on the side.
.


I hope this helps

Nick

Manusha at 14:40 on 28 July 2012  Report this post
Hi Anita,

Before I read this I’d just finished a book that had a crime element to it. The novel was by an author who has published twenty novels and sold over fifty million copies worldwide. So when I began reading this I hoped my expectations wouldn’t be too high and colour my crit! I needn’t have worried. I thought your writing stood its own and I enjoyed the chapter.

As always, your description is very visual and the grubbiness of the crime scene comes over well. After reading, I could clearly see the scene, but I did wonder why it hadn't involved me emotionally. I think you could give your already good descriptions even more impact if you used some similes. Similes tap into the wealth of emotions and thoughts held within the reader’s subconscious. For instance, I could write:

On the patterned carpet was a ruddy brown stain, oval in shape.
That’s enough to give an image, but it holds little impact. With a simile we can ramp it up a bit:

On the patterned carpet was a ruddy brown stain, as though some long forgotten vermin had dragged itself there to bleed away the last moments of its life.
We still get the visual image, but can you see how that gets more of a gut reaction? I think that’s what the crime scene in particular needs. I don’t just want to see the squalor, I want to feel it. Perhaps you could also say how the place smells. You hint that it’s probably not pleasant by references to characters going out for fresh air, but what does Carolinne think of the smell? Smells in particular tend to remind us of things, what does it remind her of? (it’s probably not a posy of red roses!)

Speaking of Carolinne, in the first few paras you add in her thoughts about what she sees, it might be good to continue that into the section of the crime scene. As a detective she would be making certain judgements, and as a person she would also have some emotional responses. By adding those into the flow of description it would take us deeper into her character and the way she sees the world.

The grey clouds looked like thumbprints of smudged cigarette ash on a white canvas

Loved this image.

From the description of the buildings I get the idea they are something like Victorian tenement buildings. If they are, perhaps you could call them that as it will do a lot of the descriptive work for you.

the paramedics had officially declared the victim to be dead

Just a small technical point, paramedics wouldn’t pronounce someone dead (although they might know they are), only a doctor or coroner can legally do that.

Structure wise, I think this chapter is spot on. Pace wise, I think it could do with a bit of editing to speed thing on a little. But that can be done on a later draft, it might be better at the moment to push on with your story so you don’t lose the forward impetus. When you do get back to editing, you might want to consider the amount of info you give in a sentence. Is it all necessary? For instance:
Carolinne glanced at the papers she had been given and turned her full attention to the room that they were in.

This could be: Carolinne glanced at the papers then turned her full attention to the room. We don’t need, ‘she had been given’, because we know where they came from. We also don’t need, ‘that they were in’, because we know where they are.

the kitchen area seemed to stretch back into some sort of infinite murky gloom.

As we are in Carolinne's POV I wonder if ‘infinite’ would be a word she would use? Or would she use something like ‘endless’?

small circular indentations that probably had been made by at least one pair of high heeled shoes over a number of years

I assume this a clue, and it’s very nicely placed here.

as if before he died he was going to give an impression of how to play the piano

That’s a great image! ;

At the base of his neck below the line of his dark hair and above the slightly greasy collar of his maroon red shirt and black leather jacket was a small puncture wound that had bled slightly so that a thin trail of blood had trickled down the left side of his neck and congealed in a small pool, forming a new type of stain on the already discoloured table.

Long sentence, Anita! Think you could full stop it after ‘wound’, drop out ‘that had bled slightly so that’, and start a new sentence with ‘A thin trail of blood, etc’.

“This is how we found him ma’am”, said one of the constables. Etc, etc, etc.

I agree that PC Constable does babble on a bit! I can imagine Carolinne thinking, ‘For goodness sake, get on with it!’ Even if the woman mentioned is important to the story, I can't imagine the PC giving so much extraneous info. If the woman is important, then maybe to make her stand out in the reader’s mind (without having unnecessary info), you could have Carolinne ask her name, PC tells her (and the reader), enough said, job done, and the narrative can move on…

If owners start to look like their dogs then maybe professionals start to look like their professions

Libbie has already made the point, but I just had to say it again, great line!

Of course the real pivot of this scene (remembering that this a crime story), is the murder itself, and you’ve done a great job of giving it plenty of intrigue. The neat hole in the neck, the skewer theory – gruesome, yet great stuff!

The chapter stands well as it is, but just a thought, how about ending with Carolinne spotting something, something that stands out to her trained eye, something out of place. She doesn’t know what it might mean, but it has her wondering…

You’ve done a great job with this, Anita, I look forward to what comes next.

Regards, Andy


mongoose at 23:09 on 28 July 2012  Report this post
Wow, thanks for the comments, they are great! I was having a terrible day and then I read your post and felt better I will print all the comments out and work through them..

Catkin at 00:42 on 30 July 2012  Report this post
The crime scene is great - really well described, so that you feel you are there, and nicely creepy. Along with everyone else, I like the sky description and the piano-playing victim.

It's an intriguing murder, too.

I agree with others that there are some unnecessary words, and that cutting these would tighten things up. In particular, I think there is too much detail about the passer-by who called security - to be honest, we don't need to know anything about her beyond the fact that she made the call.

David McCoy isn't mentioned until quite late into the chapter. Perhaps he could have a exchange with Carolinne, just so we know that he isn't just standing around doing nothing?

It doesn't say until well into the description of the ten houses that they are actually derelict/abandoned. Because I didn't know this, I wondered what Carolinne meant by wondering why they had never been renovated and rented out.

I think the line "Grey thought Carolinne, everything is grey today." would read better as "Grey, thought Carolinne. Everything is grey today."

I'm not sure that 'omitted' is quite the right word in the line "The daylight was half omitted by a thick ... " and the word 'pile' for the dish-cloth makes it sound too large.

I did wonder about the Scenes of Crime Officer. I know all police forces don't work in exactly the same way, but the fact that he takes the photographs struck me as a bit odd. I thought there were dedicated, specialist police photographers. (And actually ... I like the name 'Eugene'! )

Carolinne is an experienced police officer, but she looks at the sugar lumps and thinks they have been "dipped in something". She would know they were drug-related, wouldn't she? It could be that you didn't intend this observation to be from Carolinne's POV, but I think readers will perceive it as being hers.

There is quite a long description of the room, which is all great. Then, finally, the dead body is mentioned. Now, I realise that Carolinne could have taken in the scene in a few seconds, but the trouble is, because it takes a lot longer to describe than it would have taken to see, it seems a little odd that all the description of the room appears to take priority over the really significant and important thing - the fact that there is a dead body. Would it be possible to mention the body first? Perhaps mention it, without describing it too much, and then have her take in the details of the room before returning to a closer examination of the body? Perhaps she could give herself a few moments to gather herself together before facing a dead body, and she spends them avoiding the real issue by checking the room out? Would that work?

I really love the fact that the victim is sitting up at the table, by the way. That's very original, and much more intriguing than the usual dead body on the ground or in bed scenario. It's rather chilling!

The constable says "As she walked by number 384 ..." but they are in number 384 at the time. I think it would be more natural if he just said "as she walked past".

I'm not sure 'section' is quite the right word in "between here and the next section of houses" Next block, perhaps??

The last line seems a little anti-climactic. Making it to the local evening paper is very small scale. I should think it would make the national TV news.

That's it for nit-picks. I hope some of those are useful, and I look forward to reading the next part of the story.







mongoose at 21:06 on 30 July 2012  Report this post
Hi all,

Thanks again for the great comments. Yes, I probably do put too many words in a sentence! I have gone through and edited some out..

Manusha - I had been thinking about similes and I will keep thinking about them for a while yet! I agree, I probably could put some in. My problem with them is that often when I read pieces of work, there are so many similes that I trip over them in the story. Sometimes they feel like little cul-de-sacs in the flow of the work (sorry for the mixed metaphor). Also, some writers seem to use them in a way that makes their writing seem gauche. That is just what I think and I know many people will disagree

Yes, I could add some more sensory details into the scene and some thoughts from Carolinne's POV.

No, the marks on the lino floor are not a clue but there is a clue in this scene...!

Manusha and Catkin - I wrote the technical details of this scene with a real-life detective from Thames Valley Police and he advised me on the SOC procedures. It seems they are not as they appear to be on TV and in fiction! Detectives drive unmarked cars and do not arrive with sirens wailing unless there is a crime in motion or it is a really complicated situation. Apparently, this murder would not be seen as important or complicated (how rude!).

Also, in 'simple' cases like this one, only 1 SOCO would be on the scene and he would start with the photos and video before moving on to recording and measuring significant things. It is unlikely that the detective would actually pay too much attention to the body to start with. This is because it is clearly dead and they can't actually touch it for a few hours until the room has yielded up all of its information.

Apparently, the detectives wouldn't even go to the university to check ID. They would send uniformed police officers. I can assure you that after interviewing the detective I was quite disappointed in their real-life job!

I have changed some aspects of what the police actually do in order to make the story more readable and my detectives will be going to the university to do the next stage of work otherwise the story won't flow properly.

And also, the story probably wouldn't make national news at this stage, especially if it is linked to the drugs scene in Reading. A couple of weeks ago there were 4 non-accidental deaths in the area and none of them made the national news. But fear not as the second murder will propel the case into the headlines of all the daily newspapers....


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