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Goodbye

by Jubbly 

Posted: 01 May 2012
Word Count: 322
Summary: A re working of an oldie, hope it fits the brief.


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Raw grief clamped me to the spot and left me immobilised. For me the sun no longer shines, birds no longer sing and all hope has evaporated. I felt I would never leave that place; I could just stay there, forever, always, near him but not with him. The others were just blurs, not real, names and faces, all of us in collective despair. For a crazy moment I imagined what we might look like from above. I saw us as an image magnified on Google earth, tiny black spots amidst chalky white stones, all meaningless from a far but so terribly important up close.
I wore his favourite dress, tight, low cut and black of course. Id sprayed my body with the last birthday gift hed given me Angel; a scent, he said conjured up mystery when there was none.
My sister supported me as I swooned up against her.
You know he loved you, she whispered.
As he was lowered into the earth, my body seemed to float away, separating itself from the pain. I was making a noise, long, purring sobs came from somewhere deep inside me and I rocked backward and forward with alarming confidence considering the height of my heels.
I blocked out the world and thought only of his face, his piercing hazel eyes, staring deep into mine as we held each close.
Aware I was being watched I looked up to see those same hazel eyes seeking me out. Younger but the same. He was striding toward me, and how I dreaded this moment. But I looked straight at him, my skin tingling in primitive recognition.
How dare you come here! he growled.
He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away from my sister.
Havent you hurt my mother enough? Just go, go!"
I tried to speak but the words wouldn't come, so I obeyed my lover's son and left straight away.






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Comments by other Members



V`yonne at 23:12 on 01 May 2012  Report this post
Is there a word missing here Julie?
�You know loved you,� she whispered.

Jubbly at 23:42 on 01 May 2012  Report this post
Yes, thanks Yvonne, in now.

blob at 08:58 on 02 May 2012  Report this post
Hi Jubbly,
An emotive piece. Call me dense but I don't get the last line. I feel like it must be a twist (maybe I'm too used to your stoires!!)but I don't see in what way and consequently, I don't understand the relationships.

Id sprayed my body with the last birthday gift hed given me
For me there is too much spraying here!



Bunbry at 12:45 on 02 May 2012  Report this post
Hi Julie, I too got a bit confused - doh! I'll wait for others to clarify the picture for me.

Not sure the reference to google earth sat well in this piece - perhaps too modern for me.

Nick

Jubbly at 18:32 on 02 May 2012  Report this post
Oh dear, I changed the last line because I thought it was too obvious, re worked again hope that helps.

tusker at 08:50 on 03 May 2012  Report this post
A strong piece, Julie.

You've brought out the dizzying sense of grief that can afflict those who have lost a loved one. How surroundings can expand and diminish.

The ending says it all, always the mistress is to blame, to be shunned.

Jennifer

Dave Morehouse at 09:42 on 03 May 2012  Report this post
Wonderfully concise. You are able to build for the reader a deep sense of loss without going on and on about it. The other woman twist I didn't see coming but, then again, isn't that what twists do? I liked the way this piece met the cahllenge on more than one level. (the 'dearly departed' and the 'forced good-bye' Nicely executed, Dave.

blob at 16:54 on 03 May 2012  Report this post
Ah, now i get it! Must say though that I found the sister distracting - what was she doing at her sister's lover's funeral? Why didn't the son send her away too?
This makes me think of Mitterand's funeral when long-term lover and illegitimate daughter were seen in public for the first time!

fiona_j at 15:59 on 04 May 2012  Report this post
Hello,

This was very good, the twist at the end well delivered.

I felt the grief throughout, except at one point, when my mind conjured the wrong image and I laughed:
"I wore his favourite dress, tight, low cut and black of course" - at first read I thought it was his dress! I think that's just my mind though.

Well done with this piece.

Fi


Prospero at 17:15 on 04 May 2012  Report this post
Very intense amd intensely felt.

Powerful writing.

Best

Prosp

Mox at 17:21 on 05 May 2012  Report this post
Okay, whatever others have said, but for me it appears funny. The use of words and sentence structure make it funny.

Thanks for the read.


Jubbly at 18:35 on 05 May 2012  Report this post
Thanks guys, it's meant to be black comedy so all laughs welcome as well as feelings of sadness, thanks for reading.

V`yonne at 12:26 on 06 May 2012  Report this post
For me this insightful line stood out.


I saw us as an image magnified on Google earth, tiny black spots amidst chalky white stones, all meaningless from afar but so terribly important up close.


The grief is intense and that zooming in worked well to magnify it.

crowspark at 17:56 on 06 May 2012  Report this post
Strong stuff with a surprising twist.
Yes, I'm afraid I thought the dress was one he wore.
Thanks for the read.
Bill


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