INTERNATIONAL CLAIRVOYANT


SC1.
[(WEBCAM’S VIEW) A MAN (VICTOR), OVERWEIGHT, SITTING FACING THE WEBCAMERA. HE IS IN HIS FIFTIES. HE WEARS A CRAVAT AROUND HIS NECK AND A PLAIN SHIRT. THERE IS A HINT OF STUBBLE AND HIS HAIR IS GELLED SMOOTHLY. HE HAS ROUGED HIS CHEEKS AND HAS A BLACK EYE/EVIDENCE OF FIGHTING. THERE MAY BE A STAIN VISIBLE ON THE SHIRT.]
VICTOR:
(Latin American, speaking poor English)
Wilkommen, bonjour, bienvenido, dzien dobry, Hola! I ham so gla’ jou comi’ see me a’ my web sitio. (WINKS) Although, I already know jou caming...eh? I ham Bictor Huega Esteban. (PAUSE) Now, I tinking reason why jou here is, I tink, jou is wanting talk wit family or mebbe frien’ ‘oo is pass ober odder si’, or jou is tinking what ham I doing in futures? Jou in right place...correctamundo! I can elp to jou. (MYSTICALLY) I eben sees dead peoples.
[FX. TELEPHONE RINGING. ]
VICTOR WAITS BUT NO ONE PICKS IT UP. HE WAITS IMPATIENTLY. IT KEEPS RINGING.
VICTOR:
PAMELA...is phone! Allo? Pamela! (PAUSE)
HE GIVES IN AND PICKS UP
Lo siento (to camera) Excus plis. Oo is it? (GLANCES AT WEBCAM AND WINKS). Ah, Pamela, Jess, I jokin, I know is Jou. I ab sixth sen’ Jou knows it baby. I international. Clairboyant . (PAUSE) No, I busy. No. No. (PAUSE) Si, si, ....si. Ok, I go later, ok? Now I got to get on. (HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN AND GRIMACES). In Bueno Aires no hab bizit da Budgens. Madre de Dios! In Buenos Aires we no hab shoppin liss! (PAUSE) (BRIGHTENS) We hab tango we hab romance and we hab Las Malvinas. (PAUSE) Scrub las....we no hab Las Malvinas ju’ jet. (WINKS)
Joos few rules primero. All payings wif credit card before session. I hab ...eh......Americang Expre’’, Mastercar’, Dinerss an’ Bisacar’. Also, (PAUSE) I acshept cash but only ssterlings or dollars ...(PAUSE AND WAG FINGER) US Dollar! No Taiwan dollar or Hong Kong dollar. (BEAT) OK, Now we haff grubby grubbies of monies out of way dis what I can do por jou. I can help wif regressions to previous lifes – jou know, iss when jou iss born again. Jou livin in this li’e but jous feel like pharo or someting. – Dis remin’ me – Hi come from long line of physic bissionarie. My fader, ‘is fader, ‘is fader, is fader an goin back to Pharos ‘isself. Queen Nefertiti (CHUCKLE AND SHAKE HEAD) Jous Inglez giggles no? NEVER TITTI! Is funny, I like. (BEAT) Yes back to serious. My ancien’ relative speak Nefertiti. She say ‘ector ....iss ‘is name, He adbisor wit Pharos. She say ‘ector, jou tink build big Pyramid going be good por AEGYPT? ‘e say sure, why no’? And dis why now hab big touris tra’ ober der.
So, I counsel on business a’ well. But Hi also do palmistry, an jou can ab telephon readins. Jou can ‘ab spiritual healins jus’ like Marbin Gaye. (PAUSE) Oh, no is sexual ‘ealins. I no do sexual ‘ealins. I ham married Pamela. (PAUSE) Maybe few year ago, I do dis healin and be very goo’ dis. No now. I bit ol’.
An tarot cards. .............I work by telephon , email an’ on internet. Also, jou can hab consultations usin’ ting call Swipe. Jou knows it? (BEAT) Sen’ photos an’ I can do full body readins. I no know of odders ‘oo doing full body stuff. I ham unique wif dis. ..(Winks). I ‘ab strong bisions of ladies body. Iss gift especial! But no hombre, no men an no ladies older...eh dan veinticinco si?.... ladies no old dan 25 por dis sserviss unfortunate! Iss housy housy rules. I ‘ab no control dis.
So, ‘ab look roun’ site an’ let me know. I hab testimonial many ‘eppy customer. I gib ejemplo now. Ejemplo, examps....Meesis Smeeth in Bolton I hab message from husban’ Jon – Jon Smeeth. ‘e dead an’ she very heppy to ‘ear dis. (PAUSE) Jou check if like. Dey in telephon book. Jai. Smeeth!
An’ now specials! (PAUSE)
Ab message jus’ por JOU! I seeing big success in futures por JOU. Jou wants to hear?...den pick up telephone an’ ring my nombre especial to fin’ out. It cos’ only bery reasonable fee por fantasti’ readins. Iss only couple kvids a minute – great value! Other peoples please hab look roun’ site and eider call me or email. Jou has much success comings too! I feelin’ in water and I seein’ in stars an fings. SO, CALL TO ME. I ‘ELP! (PAUSE) For now, Tchuss! Auf Wiedersehen Do widzenia, do Svidanya i chao! Jou not forgetting Bictor Huega Esteban.