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Coyote

by Xenny 

Posted: 13 February 2012
Word Count: 324
Summary: I've not managed to write anything for the exercises yet so thought I'd post something that I wrote for fun this morning instead. Help in polishing it would be really appreciated as it's not something I've spent any time on yet.
Related Works: Vulture (rewrite) • Wolf • 

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Version 2

Late at night he came to me
loose of limb and lean
he walked with silent confidence
his eyes were clear and keen.
His coat was dull and tattered
his jaws had known the taste
of what we deemed inedible
of what we'd lain to waste.

All this I knew while standing there
all this I knew and more
I watched myself through other eyes
and shook at what I saw.

"Change", he said
I looked at him
confusion in my gaze
"Change", he said
with greater force
and still I stood
unchanged

And so a third and final time
that lone command he gave
"Change", he said
and then at last
I understood
and changed

And now we walk as equals
our steps are sure and light
We'll take the night and all that you
abandoned in your pride.

Knowing this I look at him,
eyes a-burning bright
"Run", I say
We run
two scavangers in the night.


Version 1

Late at night he came to me,
loose of limb and lean.
He walked with silent confidence,
his eyes were clear and keen.
His coat was dull and tattered,
his jaws had known the taste
of what we deemed inedible,
of what we'd lain to waste.
All this I saw while standing there,
all this I saw and more;
I knew myself through other eyes
and shook at what I saw.
"Change", he said.
I looked at him,
confusion in my gaze.
"Change", he said
with greater force
and still I stood
unchanged.
And so a third and final time
that lone command he gave.
"Change", he said,
and then at last
I understood
and changed.
And now we walk as equals;
our steps are sure and light.
We'll take the night and all that you
abandoned in your pride.
And knowing this I look at him,
eyes a-burning bright,
"Run", I say.
We run -
two scavangers in the night.






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Comments by other Members



Nella at 15:55 on 13 February 2012  Report this post
Hey, Xenny! This sounds like a ballad to me! The second and fourth lines rhyme, it tells a story. What are other characteristics of a ballad?

You might try breaking it up into stanzas, and see if it looks like a ballad, too.

Robin

Xenny at 16:05 on 13 February 2012  Report this post
Hey Robin,

Thanks. I always think of ballads as having a bit more of an 'epic' feel than this, but perhaps that's just my own view. I wondered about stanzas - I'll play around with it. It definitely needs some work.

Dave Morehouse at 16:47 on 15 February 2012  Report this post
Agreed regarding stanzas. When I reread the poem the area between "Change....understood" reads almost like an unrepeated refrain. (If that makes sense.) In any case, I would see it as a central stanza but maybe that's just me. The end of line rhymes get a bit sing-song when I read. Perhaps altering the punctuation and wording forcing me to 'read through' the end of a line and into the next. Perhaps I am reading it wrong though. Enjoy playing with this one. I think it has potential. Dave

V`yonne at 20:22 on 16 February 2012  Report this post
Stanzas are the way to go with this. It really does have potential.

Xenny at 15:25 on 18 February 2012  Report this post
Thanks Dave and V'yonne,

I'm in agreement with both of you. Dave - I almost broke that bit off as a separate stanza when I wrote it, but thought I'd wait and see what people thought.

I'll post a second version when I've reworked it.


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