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Meditation Aubade
Posted: 14 January 2012
Word Count: 190
Summary: for the Aubade challenge.
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Standing at the crossroads, a new dawn lights the sky
one way leads me down the road to duty, do or die
one road leads me round the inn, back to the wench to lie
beneath the furs with her and let the gloomy day pass by
the wench I've met a hundred times throughout the country side
she stands upon the docks as I arrive upon the tide
or serves me ale at all the inns when evening ends my ride
she comforts me with lusty charms, my troubles soon subside
before daybreak I wake to don chilled mail sword and shield
my duty lies before me down the road I can not yield
to thoughts of last night's wench who lies beneath furs warm and peeled
out the door and down the stairs resolve now fully steeled
I face the day like those all past frosty breath points the way
down this road my foe awaits to be slain or to slay
tis duty leads me down the road my fate I cannot say
I'll win the day or fall to die and there my bones will lay
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Comments by other Members
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 tusker at 06:50 on 15 January 2012
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Enjoyed this Mike.
Very medieval and the image of your knight, clear.
I like the way you talk about the wench in the singular even though there are many along the wayside. To him they are faceless or look the same but give him comfort. I enjoyed the frosty morning you envoked: 'frosty breath points the way.'
For me this could grow into an epic.
Jennifer
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 FelixBenson at 11:28 on 15 January 2012
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Hi Mike
What a rollicking tale! And a very unusual aubade too. I really enjoyed reading this rhyming epic.
I like the way that here, the morning symbolises choice. Two paths, duty or pleasure.
A choice we can all identify with! The temptation to stay in bed, with or without company! But in the case of this soldier, it is also a choice between the known and the unknown, or life and death, as the final verse makes clear. If he stays in bed, he'll live for sure, but in some smaller perhaps less dramatic way, that's the choice (or risk) that every morning offers us all...so it seems only right that he chooses that path of duty, of living his life, even if the consequences are dangerous or fatal.
frosty breath points the way
down this road my foe awaits to be slain or to slay
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Given the themes of this piece, the rhyming verses are a good choice. I'm not sure if more varying rhyme (abba or abab) might have underlined the way he is torn between two choices though. But, on the other hand, there is something about the single rhyme per verse that you could argue suggests a fatalism - his fate is already written, and that he knows he is a prisoner of his fate. So a fixed scheme makes sense.
The only thing I think would improve this is a closer ear to the rhythm of the lines- sometimes they are too long with too many stresses. Much as I don't think this poem would be served by a completely fixed and unwavering rhythm (the odd break would allow some variation or emphasis/hesitation), I do think it would be worth trying to get the bulk of the poem into a fixed rhythm just because you have chosen to have a fixed rhyme scheme, and then any break - for emphasis - would be especially effective and allow the poem to breathe a bit more.
These are some of the lines that were a bit long:
| before daybreak I wake to don chilled mail sword and shield |
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I think you could lose the word 'mail' from this line and potentially change the first word - 'before' - to a single syllable, maybe 'at' or 'by'.
In this line:
my duty lies before me down the road I can not yield |
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I'd suggest a comma after 'road' and cannot should be one word. (In line 5 countryside should be one word too.)
There are other people in this group who can advise with much more knowledge than me about how and where you need to amend the rhythm, but I think some of the lines could be simplified a tiny bit to strip out small words, which add unnecessary syllables and which slow down the flow of your lines. I suppose you might want to keep some of the hesitancy, since your soldier is deliberating, but still I think that should be the odd exception. a longer line about his hesitancy, and then reverting to the fixed rhythm to show how, ultimately, he has cleaved to his fate.
Other than a bit of tweaking the rhythm, thanks for a great (and inventive) entry to our canon of aubades!
Cheers, Kirsty
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 V`yonne at 12:45 on 15 January 2012
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I liked the enjambement here
I can not yield
to thoughts of last night's wench who lies beneath furs warm and peeled
out the door and down the stairs resolve now fully steeled
I face the day |
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I'm not a fan or rhyme but it was well used here.
I wanted standard full stops and capitals for the beginning of sentences. I had to double back a few times but I agree with the others - a most revealing charactrer aubade - the soldier's choice.
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Nella at 16:35 on 15 January 2012
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Well done, Mike! I agree that this is a very unusual aubade. A good medieval story.
I agree with Kirsty about looking at some of the longer lines and thinking about losing some of the syllables. A couple of lines are a little difficult to read, but it wouldn't take much to fix that.
Robin
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Neezes at 20:16 on 15 January 2012
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Nice work, Mike, And an interesting idea. I especially liked he last stanza. Not so keen on the use of 'wench' even if it is meant to be medieval.... The rhymes were well worked.
Jonathan
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M. Close at 01:32 on 16 January 2012
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Thank you all for the comments and advice. I wasn't sure about the capitals and punctuation. Like Oonah, I also think it should have capitals and punctuation, but I'm not sure when to use them and when to do without, so this one started without and I went with it.
I'll work on a rewrite to tighten up the rhythm and maybe add cps and punctuation.
I learned a lot from this challenge! Thanks,
Mike
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