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The Antiquarian 1st Draft Chapter One

by Theo 

Posted: 12 December 2011
Word Count: 1305


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-Chapter One -

Two Things

I did two things on my sixteenth birthday. I hid under a table. Then I murdered a corpse.

Hiding under the table was less dramatic but just as messy. The table was at Nolan’s Rare Books where I worked and not more than half a mile from where I was born and raised. It hadn’t been easy getting the job, apparently some people still think that being blond and a girl means that you simply can’t know about old books. Luckily my dad, who happens to be the mayor, cracked a few heads and got me the job. Being the daughter of the Mayor has its advantages.

So, the shop. Tall and ramshackle, with books on every floor even up the narrow stairs. As a contrast, it has a bank on one side done up to look like a temple and on the other side a Jewellers. A respectable place of business but it is definitely the poor relation on the street. The sign read ANTIQUARIAN BOOKS. I remember looking at those two words each time I went in, admittedly the first time I had to look up antiquarian but ever afterwards I thought, how can two words go so perfectly together and yet give so little away. Unlike the other shops that declared, in large black letters and coloured signs every, little thing they sold.
My friends said that I would get all dusty and old working in a shop like that. I hate that they think I’ve become one of those people that prefer the dusty and old to the shiny and new. They don’t understand that a dusty book is still a good read.

I was at work early; I always am. Mr Nolan was getting ready to open up the shutters when the ground started to shake. I hid under a table, as shelves toppled each triggering its own papery tsunami. It had taken me such a long time to get it all catalogued, it really was vexing. We get these tremors every now and then; I think I was six last time one this bad hit though I don’t really remember it all that well. Still I ended up taking Mr Nolan to Dr Harris. He had a scalp wound and bled so much that I thought he was going to die.

After all that, killing a corpse wasn’t really all that dramatic.

My town was too small for its own police station. It was rare that there was any real mystery in this town. Everyone knew everyone else’s business, only too well.
So I was surprised when Mr Dickson our town constable came up to me wearing an expression quite unlike the one he wore when he came to speak to Dad at the Mayor’s office. “Miss Tayor I need you to come with me”, he said in an even tone intended not to carry.

“What is the problem?” I was still dusty and horrible, plus I was going home, so I didn’t see a reason to be polite if he wasn’t going to be.

“Miss Tayor” he repeated. “I need you to come with me” He then relented and added “I can’t say why, everyone is shaken up enough already”

“Earthquakes will do that”, I said. My attempt at marginally sarcastic humour went ignored and judging by his expression unappreciated.

That was pretty much how most of my jokes were received; good to see that I had not lost my touch.

So, I followed Mr Dickson not speaking again till we were both sitting in his tiny office once the fitting room of a dressmakers the police house replaced.

“When did you start working for Mr Nolan?” he asked.

“Since July, is it important?”
This finally got him to slow down

“You did know him before you started working at his shop?”

“Well I know most people in this town and I’ve always liked books. So, yes, I did know him”

“I talked to Dr Harris who informs me that Mr Nolan was admitted earlier today, covered in blood”

“Yes, he hit his head in the quake” I said “It was an accident”

“Are you certain that he was injured in the quake?”
I was beginning to think that Mr Nolan might not have been the only one to have hit his head. “Yes, he hit his head on a bookshelf,” I said.

“Did Mr Nolan have any family a brother perhaps?”

“Oh, he wasn’t that badly injured.” I said “there was just a lot of blood” Feeling relived at knowing what this was all about. Strangely he didn’t seem pleased at this news.

“Miss Tayor, I have a man who appears to be Mr Nolan’s twin dead in the overnight cell,” he said. “Now is there anything you would like to tell me?”

Eventually Mr Dickson seemed convinced that I was not a witness or perhaps an accomplice to murder. So, I found myself looking at my first corpse. I never knew Mr Nolan had a twin. What a way to find out.

The overnight cell was really the empty cellar of the dressmakers the police house replaced. It was dim and dusty but smelled better than I expected. I was a little disappointed. Less a dungeon and more a root cellar with a strong door.

The corpse really did look like Mr Nolan, he was still dressed in worn and stained travelling clothes. I could tell them apart only by the crescent moon tattoo Mr Nolan said was a relic of his misspent youth. At least that meant the two could be told apart; perhaps that was why Mr Nolan got it in the first place, if I had a twin I wouldn’t like to be taken for the other one. “He just looks like Mr Nolan but without the tattoo” I said hoping Mr Dickson would take the hint and let me go.

“I would like you to be certain.” He said as he pulled open the old coal chute hatch to let some light in.

While Mr Dickson tried to get the rusted hinges open I looked down at the corpse. There was something round its neck, like a thin bit of string. I reached out and touched it just as light spilled into the cellar. There was crack like an axle breaking and the corpse jerked half sitting up.

Jumping back I still gripping the bit of string tied round its neck. It snapped. In the same moment the ‘corpse’ flopped back to the flagstones like a day old fish.

Mr Dickson talked about escaping gases making a corpse seem to breathe and not to make any more of it. I had either to believe him or believe that I had just murdered a corpse.

-Chapter Two -

Rumours

“Mr Nolan killed his brother, so they say.” Mavis confided as she bustled around my room setting my night things out. “Drove him mad they say.”
I had the strong urge to fling open the shutters and hurl Mavis out. Alas, the house lacked sufficient height for the convenient disposal of servants; high towers it seemed were the exclusive preserve of princesses and evil wizards.

So, Mavis would not find herself making the closer acquaintance of the flower bed outside my window. More’s the pity. Mavis had been attached to the mayor’s household for so long that she seemed to me like some fat, ambulatory tapestry. I was amazed that someone so obviously ancient could still work dawn to dusk, chivvy the younger servants into exhaustion and still find time to gossip. I had spent half my life listening to her expound darkly on her suspicions of this person or that. I had never been so glad of the excuse of tiredness to turf her out of my room.






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Comments by other Members



Manusha at 22:41 on 15 December 2011  Report this post
Hi Theo,

Welcome to the group and to WW! Sorry that I've only just seen that you've posted your story. I hope to give it a proper read in the next day or so, but just wanted you to know it's not being ignored. ;

Regards, Andy

Manusha at 21:46 on 16 December 2011  Report this post
Hi Theo,

First impression – I really like this! I was immediately drawn in by the story and by the end I wished it was longer. I like the voice, I immediately felt to be the confidant of Miss Tayor, and that’s a good place to have the reader. This is a good first chapter, I already like the MC and I am hooked by the mystery of Mr Nolan and his possible twin (or is it him, I wonder!).

I was a little surprised to have two paragraphs of chapter two tagged on at the end; I would have preferred to see it in its entirety – mainly because I wanted to read on! ;

Obviously you’ve posted this for some critique, and in that spirit I have a few small points to make. Nothing serious, because I think the story works well already. It’s just one opinion, I hope some of it helps, please discard what doesn’t.

I did two things on my sixteenth birthday. I hid under a table. Then I murdered a corpse.

Great first line, you’ve got my attention immediately!

Hiding under the table was less dramatic but just as messy.

Great follow up line and that can be hard to do.

The table was at Nolan’s Rare Books where I worked

Tincy point: I wondered if ‘in’ would be better than ‘at’.

Luckily my dad, who happens to be the mayor, cracked a few heads and got me the job.

‘Cracked a few heads’ felt a little strong, as though we’re in gangster territory. And if there had been that much pressure on the employer I would think some resentment would follow. Perhaps it could be that her dad had a quiet mayoral word or something.

Tall and ramshackle, with books on every floor even up the narrow stairs.

Comma after ‘floor’.

it has a bank on one side done up to look like a temple

Nice perceptive imagery.

on the other side a Jewellers

Small ‘j’ for ‘jewellers’, unless it’s the name of the shop.

in large black letters and coloured signs every, little thing they sold.

The comma needs to be before ‘every’.

I hid under a table, as shelves toppled each triggering its own papery tsunami.

Lovely imagery. ; You just need to move the comma to after ‘toppled’.

It had taken me such a long time to get it all catalogued, it really was vexing.

I like how her main concern is the mess made of her careful work rather than fear of the shake. It gives a nice feel of the character.

I think I was six last time one this bad hit though I don’t really remember it all that well.

Do you mean ‘this bad hit though’, or ‘though I don’t really remember it’? Depending on which one, you need a comma either before or after ‘though’.

My town was too small for its own police station. It was rare that there was any real mystery in this town.

Perhaps you could avoid the repetition of ‘town’, by saying: any real mystery here.

So I was surprised when Mr Dickson our town constable came up to me wearing an expression quite unlike the one he wore when he came to speak to Dad at the Mayor’s office.

If you read this aloud to yourself you might notice how long this sentence is. Perhaps some punctuation or even separating it into two sentences would help.

he said in an even tone intended not to carry.

This is a POV slip into Mr Dickson’s. How could she know what his intention was? She could guess at it though.

So, I followed Mr Dickson not speaking again till we were both sitting in his tiny office once the fitting room of a dressmakers the police house replaced.

Again, perhaps this could be broken up a bit to separate the action from the history of the setting.

This finally got him to slow down

Not sure about this, I didn’t feel he was being particularly hasty. Perhaps you could show how he was feeling pressured. Was he tapping the table with his pen, strumming his fingers, did he have the facial tick he only had when he was anxious?

“Oh, he wasn’t that badly injured.”

This seemed an odd response to the question. Is it because she thinks Mr Dickson is asking for a next of kin? If so, maybe you could reveal that in her thoughts before her answer.

I said “there was just a lot of blood” Feeling relived at knowing what this was all about.

Just a suggestion, but perhaps this might flow better as: I said, feeling relieved to know what this was all about. “There was just a lot of blood.”

he was still dressed in worn and stained travelling clothes.

After being spoiled by your wonderful descriptions, I felt that ‘travelling clothes’ was a bit vague. I still have no visual image of what he is wearing.

There was something round its neck,

With ‘round’ meaning circular, perhaps ‘around’ would fit better.

I reached out and touched it just as light spilled into the cellar.

I really like this moment, but think the sentence could do with a reorder to put the emphasis on her touching the object rather than the light spilling in. Excuse my suggestion: I reached out, and just as more light spilled into the cellar, I touched it.

the corpse jerked half sitting up.

I know what you mean, but this doesn’t quite make sense. Perhaps something like: the corpse jerked and almost sat upright.

Jumping back I still gripping the bit of string tied round its neck.

Okay, ‘gripping’ should be ‘gripped’, but my point is that maybe this could do with a slight reorder. Just a suggestion: I jumped back, still gripping the bit of string tied round its neck.

the ‘corpse’ flopped back to the flagstones like a day old fish.

More of your great imagery. ;

Mr Dickson talked about escaping gases making a corpse seem to breathe and not to make any more of it.

Could you add a little more to this? It’s a pivotal moment and it didn’t feel the right place to summarise. Maybe you could say how shocked she was, and seeing it, Mr Dickson comforted her with an explanation about the escaping gases.

I had either to believe him or believe that I had just murdered a corpse.

A great line to end the chapter, I love how it ties back to the opening. Just move ‘had’ to after ‘either’.

I want to hold comment on the taster of chapter two because I’m hoping to see it all first! But I will say:
she seemed to me like some fat, ambulatory tapestry.

Great stuff!

This is a fine debut to WW, Theo, and if you get some Christmas money dole out your twenty quid on a years sub. Believe me, you won’t regret it. I’m being selfish as well, of course, because I want to read the next instalment of your story!

Regards, Andy

Theo at 12:52 on 17 December 2011  Report this post
I am glad you liked it. This is an extremely helpful critique and will really help me to revise the first chapter. Your comments on the scene in the police house were especially helpful.

I am writing chapter two at the moment but I have to do a bit behind the scenes research first, so that I have a clear idea of the mechanics of the mystery. I am trying to make her make the wrong call for good reasons but this is proving tricky. Since she is bright and so I can’t make her do something dumb without a really good reason.

I am definitely going to buy myself a membership; I just can’t resist getting full use of the 30 day trial


Manusha at 14:11 on 17 December 2011  Report this post
I know what you mean, it can be tricky when a character has to do something for the sake of the story but still needing to keep it true to the character. I hope you manage to find the right balance.

I just can’t resist getting full use of the 30 day trial

I agree, freebies are certainly irresistible! Glad to hear that you'll be joining us. You won't be able to upload another piece of work until then though - shucks, I guess that means I'll just have to be patient for the next chapter! ;

Good luck with it, Theo.

Andy



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