The Scrubber
Posted: 22 November 2011 Word Count: 404 Summary: For Oonah's 'award' challenge
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Years ago, the landlord of the Fox and Duck, Sam Jenkins, told regulars that Janet was the cleanest scrubber in town. Then he put it on the Notice Board until, under duress from the local vicar, took it down again.
Today, Janet has returned to the pub that holds so many memories. Stepping inside, she casts a gaze around the bar and notes a lot has changed.
‘Can I help you?’ a male voice asks from behind the bar.
Janet turns and smiles at a man in his late fifties. ‘Twenty odd years ago, this pub used to be my local. I was wondering if any of the old regulars are still around.’ Then she sees menus on the tables and an aroma of cooking wafts out through a door left ajar. ‘They didn’t do meals in those days,’ she adds, ‘Apart from crisps, pickled eggs and Clark’s pies.’
As she speaks, the door opens behind her letting in a cold draught. ‘Afternoon, Dave,’ an elderly voice addresses the landlord.
‘How’s the gout, Sam?’ The landlord is already drawing a pint of Bass.
‘Bloody awful,’ comes the reply in unison to the squeak of rubber on tiles.
Janet turns round to look at the new arrival. Then recognition strikes. ‘Sam!’ Rheumy eyes regard her until a smile grows on the elderly man’s lips.
‘Janet Thomas.’ He shuffles forward on his Zimmer frame. ‘Well I’ll be damned! What brings you here after all this time?’
‘Just passing through.’
‘Hungry?’ She nods at his question. ‘Are your delicious faggots on today, Sam?’ he asks the landlord.
‘Made fresh this morning,’ the landlord replies.
‘Janet will love your faggots.’ Sam winks and, as if forgetting his need for a Zimmer frame, limps with eager haste over to a corner table.
After they’ve eaten and as their dishes are being cleared away, Sam says to the landlord, ‘This lady was the best scrubber in town.’ The landlord flushes with obvious embarrassment. ‘Men would go into the Gents,’ Sam tells him,‘and come out with their eyes streaming.’
The landlord coughs, his flush deepening. ‘Stop teasing the poor man, Sam,’ Janet says with a chuckle.
‘Those were the days.’ Sam laughs.
‘And I swear to this day, you can’t beat neat Domestos to clean out urinals,’ Janet states.
‘Have you still got those golden gloves I presented to you?’
‘Not anymore, Sam.’ Janet laughs with him. ‘That bleach massacres rubber.’
Comments by other Members
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Prospero at 01:39 on 23 November 2011
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Ah the sweet smell of Domestos and the sweet smell of success.
Great story, Jennifer.
Best
John
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Gerry at 09:47 on 23 November 2011
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Great stuff, Jennifer. 'Golden gloves' - LOL! Liked it very much.
Like Ariel, Domestos is one of those products that really do the business. Worth shelling out a few extra pence for, I say.
Thanks.
Gerry
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tusker at 14:01 on 23 November 2011
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Thanks Gerry.
I've ruined a few clothes due to Domestos but you can't beat it.
Jennifer
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Terry Edge at 11:31 on 25 November 2011
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This is nicely written piece, in both senses of the word. Well balanced, lots of rich imagery and the style matches the sentiment - warm, wistful, nostalgic.
For me, however, it just lacks a small thing or two to make it really hit home. I think this may be to do with the overall joke; the play on words. It's an okay-ish joke but not strong enough to justify the slight but key emotional diversion it causes. I wanted more of Janet in this piece - for you to go a little deeper into what she's really feeling. But the play on words kind of muffles that a bit. It produces a last line, for instance, which doesn't carry the punch that a more direct look at what she's feeling could.
Also, the POV wobbles around somewhat in the first few paragraphs, and that means it takes longer to settle into what is a short piece anyway. The first paragraph is either in Sam Jenkins' POV or omniscient. 'Today' in the second paragraph, zooms us out of Janet, too; towards omniscient again. 'and notes a lot has changed' is closer to her POV but could still be omniscient.
The third para causes a directional wobble. You said she's gazing around the bar, i.e. looking at the bar. So my attention snagged on 'a male voice asks from behind the bar', because I was thinking that she's surely looking at him, so why 'a male voice', as if she isn't?
'Janet turns and smiles at a man in his late fifties' snags a little too, since I'm not sure how she would know so quickly - or even need to think - that he's in his late fifties: it's more an author's observation.
Small point: I think she'd have turned again earlier than she does here, i.e. before Dave and Sam have exchanged a couple of lines of conversation.
I think the exchange about faggots weakens the emotional building of the story. It's not entirely clear if this is meant as another pun. And when it leads into Sam making another sex-based pun, it makes him a little too Benny Hillish, I think.
Small point: it's hard to chuckle and speak at the same time!
Overall, a really nicely written piece. You have a lovely touch with dialogue and subtle, positive emotion. I just feel if you sacrificed a bit of the pun-ny stuff, the deeper levels of those emotions would come through more.
I think most writers, me included, find (largely unconscious) ways to muffle the emotional content of our writing. My current theory is we transfer our need to muffle our feelings in real life, into our writing. I don't know if you've read any Lorrie Moore, but she's really good at getting under that muffle layer, yet does it with great subtlety.
Terry
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Bunbry at 13:12 on 25 November 2011
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Hi Jennifer I think in your shoes I would try writing this in the past tense - I think it would suit the story more written that way.
Good luck with it.
Nick
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dharker at 13:46 on 27 November 2011
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I just loved it Jennifer... sorry for the late critique! Couldn't find fault anywhere - engaging, real and a good read! Thank You!
Dave
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tusker at 14:29 on 27 November 2011
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Thanks Dave.
I used to be a scrubber along with other P/T jobs.
Jennifer
<Added>
Forgot to say that men really did come out of those toilets with eyes streaming.
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