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The Harvester - Chapter 1, Draft 1

by JessicaPaul 

Posted: 17 November 2011
Word Count: 753
Summary: A novel I've only just started and havent quite got clear in my head yet so this is a very rough start to see if I wanted to coninue with this or not.


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The room was almost silent. Apart from the steady, rhythmic beating of the heart monitor and the subtle gasping of the artificial lung, no sound could be heard. The room was lit by some overhead, industrial lights but they hardly made an impact on the dinginess of the room. Strips of natural light poked through the gaps in the metal blinds and formed an illusion of bars on the persons present. Jimmy noted the hint of humour in the vision.
The man in the bed was still alive. But only in the physical sense. His mind had ceased working when he impacted with the train. So his body was alive, but he would never live again. And anyway, that slight hiccup in the process was soon to be dealt with. From his seat in the corner of the room he watched the family. They stood so still, as if not daring to move for fear of causing alarm to the other. No one said anything, too lost in their own thoughts. He could only guess that their thoughts were occupied by all that they would spend the money on. Of course they didn’t admit that. Of course they played the part of the grieving relatives. They held their heads down solemnly and every now and then, wiped away the wispy tears in their eyes. But somehow it seemed forced. It was as if they were fighting a battle in their subconscious about the way they should feel and the way they actually felt.
Jimmy looked down at his watch impatiently. The doctor should have arrived five minutes ago and every minute that he was late was impacting on Jimmy’s commission. His clients needed the organs as soon as possible and paid a premium for fast delivery of the goods. Then, just as he was getting irritated to the point he might go in search of the illusive doctor, he heard footsteps down the corridor.
The doctor walked in and gave an apologetic nod to Jimmy who stood up from his chair. He then handed a clip board with a form attached to the next of kin and uttered an all too rehearsed condolence. Once the form had been signed and the family said their last goodbyes, the doctor pressed the switch and just like that the deed had been done. A young girl, no more than fifteen, let out a gentle sob that echoed the elongated; slowing sighs of the breathing apparatus, until eventually they stopped in unison. Jimmy presumed she was the man’s daughter.
Jimmy caught the arm of the wife as they made to leave the room. “Do you want the cheque now?” He asked as casually as if he’d been asking about her supper. The woman who looked aged well beyond her years stared at him for a what seemed like minutes, open-mouthed and in shock. Jimmy didn’t understand as it was the reason he was there. But then why would he understand? He wasn’t the one on the other side of the coin. When the woman had managed to compose her thoughts enough she reluctantly and begrudgingly nodded her head. With that Jimmy placed the cheque for $2,000 in her hands, along with his card “Just in case.”
He watched them all leave slowly and solemnly. It irritated him how slow they were walking. He needed to get a move on but it would be undignified to start the harvest when they hadn’t yet gone. As soon as he saw them go through the doors down the corridor he leapt into action. He was losing time and he couldn’t afford to waste any more. He searched out the Doctor who was updating his records and hurried him along.
When the harvesting was over, and the organs boxed and ready, Jimmy paid the hospital the $4,000 he owed them, making sure he got his receipt and made his way from the building with his load. It would take him half an hour to get across town to the airport and the plane would only wait so long if he was late. ‘I’d better hurry’ he thought to himself as he loaded up the car. He sped from the car park and out on to the road. He didn’t notice the figures at the bus stop huddled in a heavy hearted manner. He didn’t notice the young girl, no more than fifteen who, having just lost her father and left him behind, was shaking uncontrollably and inconsolably in floods of tears.






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Comments by other Members



Ben Yezir at 22:11 on 17 November 2011  Report this post
That's a great start, keep it up and post your word counts daily!

Manusha at 19:10 on 18 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Jessica, I look forward to giving you some feedback in IC (thanks for joining us), but I guess you'll have to wait another day before you can post again because of the time limitation on posting work.

It's looking good so far, how much further into the story are you? It will be great to see your progress so we can cheer you on.



JessicaPaul at 10:28 on 19 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Andy,
just thought I'd answer your question here quickly but I have posted a reply on the welcome message you posted. This is a very rough start and I haven't yet gone any further with it. looking forward to seeing what you think,
Jess

Manusha at 12:55 on 19 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Jess,

Welcome again to IC and thanks for posting some of your work.

This is certainly an intriguing opening scene with a great twist. I’m thinking that the money referred to is an inheritance and then – whoa! It’s about the collection of organs! Nicely done. Jimmy is a cold-hearted businessman, and if he is the main MC, I’d be interested to see how you manage to engender empathy for him from the reader.

I have a few points to make, as always it is just one opinion. I hope some of it helps, please disregard the rest. This is a first draft so a lot of my points might be redundant as I’m sure you would iron them out if you chose to develop this further. But considering that it is a first draft, it already reads well.

The room was almost silent. Apart from the steady, rhythmic beating of the heart monitor and the subtle gasping of the artificial lung, no sound could be heard.

Good opening line, we get a sense of what the scene is about straightaway. The ‘no sound could be heard’ bit is simply repetition of the first sentence though and could be dropped.

The room was lit by some overhead, industrial lights

You could drop ‘some’, it doesn’t add anything. ‘Industrial lights’ doesn’t convey much, are they strip-lights? Flood-lights? Perhaps you could be more specific to convey the image.

Strips of natural light poked through the gaps in the metal blinds and formed an illusion of bars on the persons present.

Nice image. ;

Jimmy noted the hint of humour in the vision.

Is it ‘humour’ he noted, or ‘irony’?

So his body was alive, but he would never live again.

Perhaps you don’t need to repeat this idea, you've already stated it in the previous sentences.

that slight hiccup in the process was soon to be dealt with

Good, it brings a question the reader’s mind. Are things not what they seem?

From his seat in the corner of the room he watched the family.

So far in this paragraph, ‘he’ has referred to the dying man, so I think you need to say ‘Jimmy watched the family’, to make it clear that it's not the dying man.

Of course they didn’t admit that.

‘didn’t’ or ‘wouldn’t’?

Of course they played the part of the grieving relatives.

Repetition of ‘of course’, you could drop this one without losing anything.

wiped away the wispy tears in their eyes

I like the poetic sound of this, but visually I’m having difficulty ‘seeing’ wispy tears. But it might just be me. See what other's think.

It was as if they were fighting a battle in their subconscious about the way they should feel and the way they actually felt.

Don’t think you need this, it’s already been said more succinctly in the previous sentence.

His clients needed the organs as soon as possible and paid a premium for fast delivery of the goods.

Whoa! The whole scene turns in a completely different direction than expected. Nice one.

Then, just as he was getting irritated to the point he might go in search of the illusive doctor, he heard footsteps down the corridor.

This felt a tad awkward. Just a suggestion: With his impatience growing, he thought to search out the elusive doctor, but then heard footsteps down the corridor.

the doctor pressed the switch and just like that the deed had been done.

The ‘just like that’ bit reminds me of Tommy Cooper (you’re probably too young!). Perhaps something like: the doctor pressed the switch, and with such a simple act, the deed was done.

let out a gentle sob that echoed the elongated; slowing sighs of the breathing apparatus,

Think you could drop ‘elongated’, it makes the sentence too, er, elongated!

for a what seemed like minutes, open-mouthed and in shock.

Minutes seemed a little too long, maybe ‘for a moment’. Don’t think you need ‘and in shock’, it’s implied in her staring open mouthed. Or at least drop the ‘and’.

Jimmy didn’t understand as it was the reason he was there.

I know what you mean but perhaps this could do with rewording.

But then why would he understand? He wasn’t the one on the other side of the coin.

There is a point of view problem here. We have been in Jimmy’s POV, but now we are in the POV of an outside observer, Jimmy wouldn’t ask that question of himself. But I also have a slight problem with this section beginning with ‘Jimmy didn’t understand’. He really didn’t understand? Unless he has some spectrum of autism he would surely have some idea of how the woman felt, even if it was with little sympathy. Perhaps he simply had little time for her emotion, or something.

When the woman had managed to compose her thoughts enough she reluctantly and begrudgingly nodded her head.

Think you could drop ‘enough’, and remove either ‘reluctantly’ or ‘begrudgingly’. To have both is repetition.

He watched them all leave slowly and solemnly. It irritated him how slow they were walking.

Repetition of ‘slow(ly)’, perhaps you could drop the first one.

He searched out the Doctor

Small ‘d’ for ‘doctor’.

Jimmy paid the hospital the $4,000 he owed them,

You could drop ‘he owed them’, the reader would guess that.

‘I’d better hurry’ he thought to himself as he loaded up the car.

You could definitely drop this. It’s like the thought bubble that appears above a character in a comic!

He didn’t notice the figures at the bus stop huddled in a heavy hearted manner. He didn’t notice the young girl, no more than fifteen who, having just lost her father and left him behind, was shaking uncontrollably and inconsolably in floods of tears.

Another POV change. We are in Jimmy’s point of view, so if he didn’t notice the figures etc, how could the reader? Perhaps he barely noticed them, or paid them little regard.

I hope that isn't too much, Jess. They’re just little points really, as the idea you have here is really good and holds a lot of promise. I certainly want to know where he’s taking the organs and what other characters he might be dealing with in the shady world of organ trading. It’s the sort of world we don’t see much of (for obvious reasons!), so to get a glimpse is a fascinating premise. Good luck with developing this, and I look forward to seeing more.

Regards, Andy

Lilly_Lass at 19:24 on 19 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Jessica.

Firstly, I never read any comments before I posted my own. I don’t want to be swayed. But I’ve just noticed Andy as already commented on this piece. (He does a proper pucka job, nothing gets passed him.) So I’m sure I will create an echo, sorry.

This is an intriguing start, a good captivating first chapter. I liked the way I thought it was going down one path only for the story so swerve onto a different route. I don’t know where this story is heading, but I sure wanna find out.


My nit-picks: Please remember these are just MY opinion, I’m commenting on a single chapter and only you know what is right for your story.

The thing I noticed with your work is just a tinny little bit of overwriting, this slows down the pace. I should know all about overwriting, I was a dab-hand. ;

The man in the bed was still alive. But only in the physical sense.
Just a thought, it quickens the pace. The man in the bed was only alive in the physical sense.

So his body was alive, but he would never live again.
This is an example of overwriting. A good sentence, however you are just using a different sequence of words to repeat yourself. You have to be brutal, avoid overwriting.

From his seat in the corner of the room he watched the family.
Who did? This read that the man in the bed watched his family.

Jimmy noted the hint of humour in the vision.
Rereading back over the piece I feel this sentence came a little too early. You are introducing a character, however you than go straight onto the man in the bed.
Maybe: (Jimmy noted the hint of humour in the vision. From his seat in the corner of the room he watched the family.) Sorry if I’m taking liberties with your work.

Of course they didn’t admit that. Of course they played the part of the grieving relatives.
I would get rid of the second “of course” it’s a repetition which came too soon.

He could only guess that their thoughts were occupied by all that they would spend the money on.
Just a thought, again: Sorry I’m interfering. (He guessed their thoughts were occupied by the money.)

they played the part of the grieving relatives
Rereading your piece for the second time I questioned the above line. Are they playing, or are they genuinely upset. (I truthfully don’t know the answer, so am left confused.)
Because at the end of your piece.
He didn’t notice the figures at the bus stop huddled in a heavy hearted manner.
This is conflicting information, and this is why I’m confussed.

wispy tears
This jarred a little, wispy tears sorry can’t picture them.

When the woman had managed to compose her thoughts enough she reluctantly and begrudgingly nodded her head.
This piece is in Jimmy’s POV, so I don’t think he would know the woman had composed her thoughts, would he?

I really think this is good, a different story line. I would certainly turn the page to find out what happens.


Lilly


p.s Sorry if there are "typos" in my comments I manage to sprinkle a few everywhere

JessicaPaul at 09:20 on 20 November 2011  Report this post
Thank you both Lilly and Andy. You both made some brilliant points. Thaks for pointing out all the bits where I've beenrepetitive Andy, I'll go back over it and sort those out. Lilly, you hit the nail on the head when you say I overwrite - it's my worst habit and even when I go back over a draft I tend to sort out what I've overwrit, but just overwrite some more elsewhere!
The fact that you both seemed to like the premise and think it's promising has spurred me on to continue with this. I'm going to go back over it and beef it out a bit more because there's quite alot of info that I feel needs putting in to make this chapter work. When I'm finished I'll upload the new version.
Thanks again to both of you,
Jess

P.S. Lilly, never say sorry for typos, apparently they're the sign of an intelligent person because your brain is moving at a higher speed than you can physically! (That's what I tell myself whenever I make one anyway!)

Manusha at 11:53 on 20 November 2011  Report this post
The fact that you both ... think it's promising has spurred me on to continue with this.

Cool! Go for it, Jess!

I look forward to seeing the updated version.

Andy

Lilly_Lass at 15:19 on 20 November 2011  Report this post
Bless you, Jessica

Lilly, never say sorry for typos, apparently they're the sign of an intelligent person because your brain is moving at a higher speed than you can physically
LOL...That is certainly an excuse i'll be using from now on.

And I look forward to seeing your new version.


Lilly

Midnight at 22:17 on 21 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Jessica,

Interesting start you have there. I have read the other two crits but if I repeat anything than please excuse me. Thanks for sharing your imagination, here are my comments.


The room was almost silent. Apart from the steady, rhythmic beating of the heart monitor and the subtle gasping of the artificial lung, no sound could be heard. The room was lit by some overhead, industrial lights but they hardly made an impact on the dinginess of the room.
Room appears three times here.


Strips of natural light poked through the gaps in the metal blinds and formed an illusion of bars on the persons present.
I know Andy commented on this but I have to agree this is lovely.

And anyway, that slight hiccup in the process was soon to be dealt with.
Is Jimmy really this heartless? He has me intrigued.

No one said anything, too lost in their own thoughts.
How does the MC know this? I know the word appeared is distancing but perhaps it needs added to this sentence.


He could only guess that their thoughts were occupied by all that they would spend the money on. Of course they didn’t admit that.
The MC really believes that at a time like this the family are thinking about spending the money.

wispy tears
I agree with Lilly and Andy here I'm afraid.

But somehow it seemed forced
How was it forced. What did the MC see that made him think this. Show me please.

Jimmy looked down at his watch impatiently
Here you could show more impatient actions. Was he tapping his fingers in a rhythm on the bedside cabinet, tapping his feet. Did he look at his watch and then look at it again and notice only one minute had passed?

along with his card “Just in
I think you need a comma or a full stop after card.

He watched them all leave slowly and solemnly
How was it solemnly? Were their heads hung? What were they doing for the MC to think they left solemnly?

It irritated him how slow they were walking.
the slow walking is repeated in the sentence above. We know they were walking slowly because they leave slowly.

The crits above have already given you detailed feedback and I know this isn't much but I really don't have anything else to add. Thank you for sharing this. I am really interested in finding more out about this.

Diane


JessicaPaul at 08:10 on 22 November 2011  Report this post
Hi Diane,
Thank you very much for your comments, you made some very good points too.
He could only guess that their thoughts were occupied by all that they would spend the money on. Of course they didn’t admit that.

The MC really believes that at a time like this the family are thinking about spending the money.
Perhaps this bit should come after he says about tem looking forced but I should reword the whole thing because I see what you mean about this, somehow it doesn't work as it is. I'm glad you all seem to think Jimmy is heartless, that's what I was going for as it's vital to the story that the readers believe he is, but perhaps a little bit in the first chapter to explain that might help. That's part of the information I'm putting in at the minute so hopefully when I upload the revised piece you'll all be able to tell me whether you think it works or not.
Thanks again for commenting,
Jessica

Midnight at 12:09 on 22 November 2011  Report this post
I look forward to reading it Jessica.



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