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Iron Men
Posted: 29 October 2011
Word Count: 80
Summary: This started as a one-stanza poem, but I would like to expand it. I am having trouble with the third stanza which is predictable and slightly boring. All comments would be welcome...
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The ex-Marine and the Paratrooper
run further than a marathon;
long distance bike ride;wild swim.
Not one leg between them,
just relentless grit, these
intrepid
iron
men.
The Trooper and the ex-Marine
use banter and extreme endeavour
to win battles beyond war;
rebuild their lives; find
endless drive-
dauntless
iron
men
These maimed men of our armed forces
admit no barrier they can't demolish.
They've lost limbs but still they fight
through darkest night
to hopeful dawn-
audacious
iron
men.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 12:25 on 31 October 2011
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Hello Sally - I’ve given this third stanza a bit of thought, but I don’t know how helpful my suggestions about it will be. We’ll see. In the first two stanzas I can see an acknowledgement of the genuine courage and determination of the ex-soldiers as they rebuild their lives. At the same time I sense an irony. The words ‘grit’, ‘endeavour’, ‘intrepid’, and ‘dauntless’ in particular are the kind of words used by senior officers when paying tribute to the dead, or by the Queen perhaps at a military ceremony. They have a distinctly sugary flavour. The other irony I see is in ‘further than a marathon’ etc - they go too far, they seem obsessed with proving that being maimed in war is no great tragedy, even that it’s acceptable and it’s ok for it to go on happening to other young men because they can look forward to a new, ‘dauntless’ life, full of ‘endeavour’.
Here’s my suggestion for what it’s worth. A completely new third stanza. Write about an incident in which another soldier is maimed - a roadside bomb incident probably. A little internet research might lead to a detailed account of a real incident, which would give the stanza authenticity. This man will rebuild his life too, for he too is an ‘iron man’.
It could even perhaps be about an incident in which a soldier is killed instantly. He was an iron man too, but all his grit and dauntlessness are cancelled out for ever. The fine soldierly words are meaningless now. However I’m less sure of this idea.
I hope this may at least set off a train of thought for you. If not, I’m happy to discuss other ideas you may have.
James.
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 Sallyj at 12:22 on 02 November 2011
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Hi James...this is a great idea! I'm glad you picked up on the excess inherent in the poem. Too much is expected and too much given. I wasn't sure if that would actually translate on the page.
What an inspiration...thank you so much. I will post the new version asap.
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 FelixBenson at 13:19 on 02 November 2011
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Hi Sally
I look forward to the new version. I think a shift in stanza 3 is great advice, another angle or a new way of showing your themes will further illuminate the first two stanzas.
Good luck with it.
Cheers, Kirsty
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 nickb at 23:45 on 04 November 2011
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Hi Sally,
I agree the third stanza doesn't feel right somehow, especially the "fight" and "night" rhyme jars a bit for me. I think the concept is a good one though and I like the format of the stanzas. It struck me that they are iron men in all sorts of ways, not least by the surgical metal used to reconstruct shattered bones etc.
One small point - I was wondering why there is an ex-marine, but the paratrooper and the trooper are not ex?
Would like to see the new version.
Nick
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Sallyj at 13:46 on 05 November 2011
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Good point Nick..maybe I should replace 'ex' with 'Royal'. It makes little difference as metre is not uppermost in this poem.
Am still playing with the last verse..and the poem has slid out of control in that I no longer Know which is my overriding point...!
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 V`yonne at 23:23 on 11 November 2011
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I think there are names of ships here Dauntless, Endeavour etc? Well I agree with the above and how about the man brought down by friendly fire? The mentally wounded?
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