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My Very First Car
Posted: 15 October 2011
Word Count: 154
Summary: A poem I have written that I would love to turn into a small children's picture book about imagination and perseverance!
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My very first car
Was quite fantastic
Red and shiny
Made of plastic
Plastic seats
And steering wheel
Plastic smell
And plastic feel
I parked it in the sun one day
And watched my car just melt away
My very first car
Was flat and red
And so became
My very first sled
Fast as fast
I went down the hill
I still remember
How it made me feel
My sled broke in half
When it hit the trees
So my very first sled
Became my very first skis
I tied my skis
To my little feet
And slid everywhere
In the snow and sleet
I couldn't stand up
Or get very far
I wish I still had
My very first car
I got to my feet
and dried my tears
I said goodbye
to all my fears
I put my hands
in my nice warm pockets
and walked on home
dreaming of rockets...
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Comments by other Members
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 Steerpike`s sister at 14:34 on 15 October 2011
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What's really good about this is the simple, child friendly language and the strong rhythm/ rhyme. It does end on a negative note though, with the character saying that they can't stand up or get far, and they wish they had their car, which from your description is not the message you intended to convey. I think you should change it so it has an up-beat ending if you want it to be the kind of picture book you describe.
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Stuayris at 14:38 on 15 October 2011
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That's a good point you make! Thanks for the kind words too!
I will work on a last verse right now!!!
Stu
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Stuayris at 14:52 on 15 October 2011
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Two more verses added! You are right! It is so much better now and gives exactly the message I wanted!!
Stu
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cacooper at 17:05 on 15 October 2011
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Really like that. Have you read The Blue Coat? I think it's an old Jewish children's story. It reminded me a bit of that.
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 SusieL at 20:00 on 15 October 2011
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I love this. It's simple, unfussy and very visual. The ending is excellent.
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kabclarky at 20:46 on 15 October 2011
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Hi,
A really unusual idea, and with a good beat throughout - apart from this verse -
Fast as fast
I went down the hill
I still remember
How it made me feel
I found this a little clumsy compared to the other fluid verses. Very descriptive though, I enjoyed it a lot.
Kabclarky
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 Freebird at 17:09 on 16 October 2011
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This is such a fabulous idea, Stuart! I can imagine it being a great hit with little boys of all ages...
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Freebird at 13:52 on 17 October 2011
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If you have any specific questions, feel free to post them here. A few people have subbed picture book manuscripts. The main thing is to make sure it fits over the standard number of spreads in a picture book (often 12 double spreads, i.e 24 pages). Then check out publishers that will accept unsolicited manuscripts and be aware that rhyme is difficult to sell because it doesn't translate well into other languages.
Then compose a letter about yourself, the book, your background and writing experience, and anything that particularly qualifies you to write for small children, take a healthy dose of optimism... and submit!
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 Issy at 03:31 on 18 October 2011
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Very much like this, and its message about making things into other things and getting the best from them, an unusual twist that.
Yes, it could be a picture book, plenty of action to illustrate, or it could equally go into an anthology. It would work equally well without the pictures.
Freebird is very right about the difficulty is selling rhymes work, but it can sell and for new writers and of course, children do love rhythm. Good luck.
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Heather3 at 10:31 on 28 October 2011
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i really like the element of a large object getting broken down into smaller more useful objects; car, sledge, skis... it could be made very visual too by having diagrams that open out (like the sledge opening out into two skis) and textural too by having plastic inlaid into the book.
as mentioned, there is a certain negative tone to it. maybe play around with it slightly to turn the negative into the positive ie rather than him missing the car perhaps the skis are even better!!
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Jonny Hardway at 22:23 on 04 December 2011
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I really enjoyed this Stu, I think a younger audience would identify with the child's imagination, and it is very visual. Good job 
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