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Boxes

by Neezes 

Posted: 02 October 2011
Word Count: 134
Summary: For my own moving house/longing for stuff challenge :)


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When the day came, we tried to play for time -
cheeky games born of sullen nostalgia.
but the house had other ideas: boxes

sprouted legs and started walking,
files took to the air
with a papery flop, and furniture
charged down doors as if the whole fell house was
on a slope.

Roped-in friends could only watch,
their borrowed hands clinging to the bannister.
The taps were running dry
but still outpacing the battered tins
and the pills, packets and scented soaps,
while lamps, secured in bubble wrap, sizzled as they rose,
shades tip-tapping at the car door.

Everything must go. The Earth turned, the house
moved, our bodies last of all: animated plaster-pale faces
with only our still-beating hearts left behind
amongst the dust and broken toys on a blood stained carpet.






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Comments by other Members



Nella at 08:56 on 03 October 2011  Report this post
Excellent, Jonathan. You really capture that moving-day feeling, scenario. I've moved so many times I can really relate.

I really like the first line and this bit is great:
boxes

sprouted legs and started walking,
files took to the air
with a papery flop, and furniture
charged down doors as if the whole fell house was
on a slope.

Love that!

The blood stained carpet came as a shock, though, and suddenly there was something sinister in the moving - i.e maybe there was a sinister or tragic reason for moving out. I'm not sure if you meant it to come across that way.

Robin



V`yonne at 09:03 on 03 October 2011  Report this post
WOW. That's something. Have you sent it anywhere? It's the sense of imbalance and inevitability I love here but also the heart left behind.

I thought the only part I'd change would be the last three words to 'tear stained carpet' or maybe time stained? - unless you are going for surreal - but this has way too much depth for the surreal to be allowed the last word. I took it to be a surreal landscape of emotion BUT with all the reality of mixed feelings that goes with that uprooting of moving house.

A remarkable piece of work Jonathan.

Neezes at 22:31 on 03 October 2011  Report this post
Thanks very much - it's great to get such positive feedback. I obviously need to work on a couple of bits, especially the last line - it want meant to be that sinister, Robin, just blood pumping from the displaced hearts if you see what I mean... But could be read that way as it stands. I do like the surreal elements, Oonah, but you say, it is more about emotions/perceptions. No, haven't done anything with it yet, just wrote it this week... I will tidy it up and see

Thanks again,

Jonathan


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