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Portrait of a jealous man

by YeOldeMariner 

Posted: 21 September 2011
Word Count: 1467


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Portrait of a Jealous Man


The simple room with its whitewashed walls and panes of dimpled opaque glass cast an ethereal light on three men sitting around a small green table.
“Are you sure you don’t want a legal representative present?”

“I killed her. There’s no need for a solicitor. It’s as simple as that.”
“For the benefit of the tape those present are Detective Inspector Ian Craig, Detective Sergeant Christopher Sims and the accused, James Anthony Scott.”

“James tell us what happened, in your own time.”

“Jo had said this year would be different …”

“For the benefit of the tape, who is Jo?”

“Josephine is …was my wife.”

“Carry on”

“Last year was bad. It’d started with me getting a new job but the firm went arse over tit and it was last in first out.”

He paused and reached into his jacket pocket with a bloodstained hand

“Take your hand out!”
“Sorry I was just looking if I had any smokes left.”
“Carry on but keep your hands on the table where we can see them.”


“It took me six months to find employment. The new job was right up my street and for a while everything was wonderful.” his brown eyes welled with tears.

“Do you want that cigarette break now, Jim?”

“No…no let’s get it over with.” He took a deep breath“Jo had been on for ages about what I wanted for my birthday. Said she was going to get something special and make up for the bad year. I couldn’t make my mind up so asked her to surprise me.” Jim sobbed.
“Carry on”



“It started about three weeks ago. We were informed that anyone falling below their sales target were out on their ear. We were to apply more pressure on customers to buy our burglar alarms. I was given a new area to canvass. It covered the area where we lived, so on the first day I decided to surprise Jo and say hello.”

His body shook and hands clasped so tightly the blood drained from his knuckles.

“That’s the first time I saw...” he lapsed into silence again.

“Saw what Jim? What did you see? Take you’re time. You aren’t going anywhere.”
.

“There was a car parked in our driveway: a gleaming white sports job. Way, way out of my league. I drove round the block to make sure I wasn’t mistaken and stopped further up the road so I could watch the house in my mirror. Then I remembered the phone calls….”

“What calls?”

“Two or three times the phone had rung and she had rushed to answer it before I had chance. Then she would come into the room back to her book without a word.”

“Tell me about your wife, Jim. Was she the type to have an affair?”

Jim stared at the table.

“I met Linda...”

“Sorry? You’re confusing me here. Who is Linda?”

A wry smile played on Jims pale lips.

“The lovely Linda, they used to call her. That was the name Jo worked under as a prostitute, but she was different from the rest.”

Sims looked at his colleague exchanging knowing glances.

“She was. I know what you’re thinking...but she wasn’t like all the others.”

“Are you in the habit of using street walkers?”

“No it was my first ...and last time, I was working away from home, lonely and bored when I saw her standing on her own by the bar. I began talking to her but she reeled off prices for different services. After, you know... I asked her for a drink but she said she never mixed business with pleasure. But I’m a stubborn beggar and eventually she gave in. probably to get rid of me. Any way to cut a long story short our feelings for each other grew and she promised to give up her life on the street.”

“That’s what they all say..” Sims interjected.

“We made plans to get wed but made the mistake of telling my family.” Leopards never change their spots”” my mother said. Linda changed her name to Josephine and for the first couple of years life was good. She seemed content. We were so happy.” He sobbed.

“So why did you kill her?”

“A few days ago I was sat in my car observing that flash car in MY driveway… and it dawned on me. Why hadn’t I realised before? She’d gone back on the game, despite her promises!”
“What made you think that? It could have been a friend visiting?”
“I saw her close the bedroom curtains and I could see her smiling. I wanted to go in and catch them at it!”

“So what stopped you?”

“My mobile rang. The boss wanted to know where I was and told me my job was on the line. By the time I’d done a few more calls and arrived home the car was gone and the curtains were open.”
“How did Jo seem?”
“Her usual cheery self, as if she hadn’t a care in the world.”
“Were there any more calls that night?”

“One but as usual she wouldn’t tell me who it was and I thought” another customer” Then she said I was acting strangely and was I ill? It was as if she was laughing at me"
“What did you do next?”

“Nothing... not that night. But over the next couple of days I found every excuse to drive past the house at different times of the day. Most times...”

Jim hesitated, fists opening and shutting in rhythm.

“Most times that bastards’ car was in the... my ...driveway as bold as brass.”

“Were the bedroom curtains always shut?”

“Not every time…. but yesterday...”
“Yesterday being the day before your birthday?”


Jim took a long deep breath before continuing.


.

“I drove past and saw the car reversed at the porch door and the bastard loading the boot. I couldn’t see what he was putting in but I guessed it was luggage. It was obvious to me she was going to do a runner with her lover. My mother had been right all along.”

“What did you do when you got home?”

“I ...I tried to act normally. I wanted to see what she would do if the phone rang again...Needless to say it did and she rushed into the hall to answer it. I heard her say “Yes tomorrow” Bloody cow, she wasn’t even trying to hide it! The next morning. This morning. She gave me a card. Said I’d have to wait ‘til later for my present.”

“Why didn’t you confront her. Ask her what was going on?”

“I don’t know. I suppose I was afraid of the truth. Even though I knew what that was. I carried on as normal, tried to anyway. There was no point in keeping tabs on the house as I assumed they’d already flown to a love nest
“What time did you arrive home?”

“About six...six fifteen. I opened the door I heard noises from the kitchen. She was at the table with a bowl and wooden spoon .I heard it clattering against the side.”
I yelled at her “What the hell are you still doing here?”

She dropped the spoon on the floor and stammered
“What...what do you mean?”

I know what’s been going on...you whore! Up to your old tricks again aren’t you…AREN’T YOU? Before she had a chance to reply I smashed my fist into her face. Screaming” Nice of you to wait until we’d had tea before you run off with you’re fancy man! Don’t try and deny it I’ve been watching you!”



.

“”No Jim it’s not what it seems”…She tried to stand so I hit her again …and again…until the blood ran onto the tiles...and the terrible reality of what I’d done hit home”

The Inspector read the murder charge to him and uniformed officers arrived to escort the sobbing man away.
An hour later the detectives relaxed in the canteen.

“Wish every case was as easy as that to wrap up.” The sergeant said.” One thing puzzles me though sir”
”What’s that?”
“If she was going to run off with her bloke why did she stay? Surely she realised he would be suspicious of all those calls. Was that the surprise? Strange kind of birthday present if you ask me.”
“Nothing is as it seems. Never forget that Sergeant.”
“Sir?”

“After Scott’s 999 call we searched the house. In the bedroom we found an artists easel with a portrait of the deceased and a white envelope attached “with all my love Jo “written. A few minutes later a white sports car drew up. Turned out the driver was an artist who’d returned to collect some brushes he’d forgotten when packing his gear yesterday.”











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Comments by other Members



BifferSpice at 12:10 on 22 September 2011  Report this post
hi yeoldemariner!

i like the way you introduce the story. it's a good visual setting, and the dialogue is authentic. the characters are introduced nicely and i can really see it as a tense and interesting setup.

the whole cigarette conversation is confusing though. when he goes for his pocket, it's like he's on the street and they've got a gun trained on him. surely they know he has no weapons, and it can't be unusual for suspects being questioned to have a cigarette. while it's clear he's desperate for a fag, when he gets the option to have one a few seconds later he declines. and it's offered as a cigarette break, yet they've only just started the conversation. surely he can carry on talking while he smokes, and if so, why would he refuse when he was just wanting to have a cigarette just seconds earlier?

i then don't get why he throws this into his summary of what was going on:
“Jo had been on for ages about what I wanted for my birthday. Said she was going to get something special and make up for the bad year. I couldn’t make my mind up so asked her to surprise me.”

it clearly has relevance to the story for us, as appears later, but makes no sense to what he was saying or what he says next.

Sims looked at his colleague exchanging knowing glances.

this doesn't read quite right. maybe "Sims threw a knowing glance at his colleague" or something.

one last nit, i don't know why the seargent wouldn't know the facts of the case. he's involved in the questioning but doesn't know about the painting, etc? that surely can't happen. he doesn't know about the house being searched and what was recovered??

i liked the idea, i like the writing, but there are some elements of the plot that could do with being tidied up, in my opinion. hope it helps

Midnight at 22:38 on 01 October 2011  Report this post
Hi YOM,
Really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing. I was waiting for the twist all along, knowing there would be one, but not quite sure what it would be. I felt there was a good balance of dialogue. I do think that all officers involved would know about all of the evidence.

I've some nit picks and identified some typos.

“Carry on”
Full stop missing.
a bloodstained hand
Full stop missing
Carry on but
Do you need a comma before but?
wonderful.” his brown eyes welled
Capital H for his.
He took a deep breath
Full stop
“Carry on”
Another carry on without a full stop. Also, it's the third carry on. Could the police say something different, like keep going or continue or what happened next?

“I met Linda...”

“Sorry? You’re confusing me here. Who is Linda?”

A wry smile played on Jims pale lips.

“The lovely Linda, they used to call her. That was the name Jo worked under as a prostitute, but she was different from the rest.”
I'm lost here. I'm not sure who is speaking. It is pulling me out of your lovely story and I want to stay in your imagination.

in. probably to get rid
Capital P

their spots””
typo
A few days ago I was sat in my car observing that flash car in MY driveway…
Would the my work better in italics?

” another customer”
Not sure you need the quote marks here. But you do need a full stop.

“Nothing... not that night. But over the next couple of days I found every excuse to drive past the house at different times of the day. Most times...”

Jim hesitated, fists opening and shutting in rhythm.
If it is Jim who is speaking you don't need the space between the speech and what he is doing.

I opened the door I heard noises from the kitchen. She was at the table with a bowl and wooden spoon .
Space before the full stop

She dropped the spoon on the floor and stammered
Full stop or comma, the speech can also be on the same line.

aren’t you…AREN’T YOU?
Not sure about the capitals.

Thanks for sharing. Hope this helps.
Diane


Lilly_Lass at 19:24 on 02 October 2011  Report this post
Hello Yom:

Dialogue is one of your strong points as a writer. You have the ability to do a conversation that is natural and attention-grabbing. However, telling a story based mainly on dialogue is very hard to pull off, but with this piece it worked. I think it worked because you kept everything down to a minimum, one room, three characters. So well done for pulling it off.

A few little nit-picks, sorry I can’t help myself. It wouldn’t feel complete if I didn’t add my two pence worth.

He paused and reached into his jacket pocket with a bloodstained hand
“Take your hand out!”
Why the drama?? He’d have been searched, so I didn’t understand the reaction.

The lovely Linda, they used to call her. That was the name Jo worked under
Linda changed her name to Josephine
Confusing, if Linda was only her street name why did she have to change her name to Josephine?

All in all an enjoyable read.

Lilly


Donkeyjacket at 15:38 on 03 October 2011  Report this post
Hi Mike,

A sad little story (and I mean it - the fuck ups we make in life by making wrong conclusions etc really do make me sad!) One niggle apart, I did like the opening paragraphs, I liked the twist and title added an extra quirk to that.

I see I have pasted the following to touch on:

a small green table: As I said, it was a compelling opening para; and it would have been no less compelling had they all simply sat around a table. Did we need to know it was small and green? I think the answer is no - in fact the detailed description of an inconsequence only served to detract from the compulsion of otherwise great opening paras. Sometimes it matters to set a scene (vide Sunset; but in this case, the scene is perfectly well set without them

brown eyes: Ditto. I am getting a certain empathy for the bloke and I can feel his pain. That's more than enough and it matters not a jot to me if his eyes are blue green or brown.

sobbed: New here I think you could have worked a bit harder to set the scene for us rather than dishing us up with a throw away cliché. Here is your chance to make us really feel for him. There are a million ways of doing that: choking back a sob, turning away to hide the tears which he seemed incapable of holding back, etc etc etc - but not just sobbing, which gives me as much sympathy as I would have for a Walls sausage about to go into the frying pan.

One final point - and please don't think I am being patronising: I am not, because this is a point about which I am passionate: You really do owe it to your reader (and to the fruits of your labours) to give your MS the very best, best, best edit you can before submitting same. The reader is more tolerant and the MS stands a better chance of going somewhere. Even if you live alone in a garret umpteen stories up on Eastbourne seafront (I did once!) there has to be someone, somewhere who can spot the things that the writer somehow remains blind to.

Go to it!

Anthony


<Added>

Oops...and I forgot to close a bracket in the third para. But as they say 'Do as I say, n ot as I do'.


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