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Daniel

by Katf25 

Posted: 13 September 2011
Word Count: 1520


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


Daniel dragged the toe of his shoe over the top step, feeling the sheen of recent rain. It was quiet. The building loomed in darkness behind him ’“ every day he was the last to leave. The air felt cold and moist against his cheeks and he could see the faint outline of his breath when he exhaled. Looking ahead from this vantage point, the city spread out before him, a mixture of warm orange glows and sharp spikes of white and blue light. Daniel began a slow, almost plodding descent down one step then the next until he reached the gravel drive where the crunch and grind of the stones was muted by shallow puddles.

He turned right onto the makeshift path which was a much used short cut in summer but by October had become a mush of mud and weeds. He brushed past overgrown bushes at the gate. Raindrops which had lain perfectly formed on plant life since the lunchtime downpour now splattered against his knees and gleefully permeated the fabric of his trousers.

Daniel walked slowly towards the empty bus stop. A poster twisted inside the plastic panel distorting the photo of a family around a breakfast table so that their smiling faces were hit by the glare of the flickering light. Standing at the bus stop he noticed a solitary moth trapped inside the panel. He watched it display a futile repetitive dance, ricocheting against invisible barriers on both sides. The number 12 drew up and puffed its doors open but before Daniel stepped onto the bus he saw that the moth had relented and was now crawling slowly in the bottom of the panel.

As the bus swept down the hill, jolting to a standstill occasionally when a lone passenger wanted on or off, Daniel felt his stomach complaining which was fair enough as all he had eaten all day was a Snickers for breakfast. It was hunger that had finally goaded him to leave work and head for his flat. Not that much work was being done for the most part he had been meandering pointlessly from one website to another. Something he could do just as easily in his flat.

A man climbed slowly onto the bus and lowered himself into the seat next to Daniel. He smelt of cheap beer, roll-ups and old age. Daniel noticed the man was wearing Homer Simpson slippers and he looked sharply out of the window, unsure whether he was hiding his own shame or avoiding the old man’s. He wondered if the man was also going home to a microwavable sausage pizza with an impenetrable overcooked crust.

At home he didn’t bother switching on any lights but instead choose to stand in the glow of the microwave and wait patiently for the three beeps. Daniel briefly considered washing a knife and fork under the tap but knowing he would have to scrape dry tomato sauce off each implement with his fingernail he decided against it. Instead he balanced the cardboard pizza stand on finger tips and swept it through to the sitting room where he deliberately let it drop when his hands were just an inch from the top of the coffee table. Daniel watched the middle of an episode of CSI and bit into the still scorching hot pizza.

When the coarse winter daylight raided his eyelids for a weak spot Daniel woke with a groan and stretched. He then became very aware of the tinkling sound of a teaspoon being stirred. Sitting still on the edge of the sofa, Daniel tried to heighten his sleepy senses and work out what the noise meant. He could hear the padding of bare feet on linoleum and then someone clicked on a radio. His radio. The sound of some X Factor reject squeaking his way through a Sting cover was definitely coming from his kitchen.

In the small square hall Daniel edged slowly towards the kitchen. A chair scraped and at the possibility of coming face to face with whoever it was Daniel found himself hiding behind the bathroom door, gripping the towel rail. He got up the nerve to look through the slither of space between the door and its frame, his heart thrusting violently against his ribs.

A woman walked past and into his bedroom.

She re-emerged pulling a coat on and as she stuffed her feet, covered with thick woolly socks, into ankle boots he finally allowed his long-held breath to trickle cautiously past his lips. He gulped another deep breath. It seemed he was staying in the bathroom - opting for the do-nothing approach to crisis management. There was no point even considering how he might react if she chose to enter the bathroom.

Who on earth was she? Where had she come from? What the fuck was she doing in his flat? Had she brought her own sugar for her tea? Why was she acting like she lived here, like his flat was her home? He didn’t have a clue. So Daniel continued to peek through the door and remained motionless even when he was aware that his slightly stooped stance was beginning to niggle his back.

The woman fluttered in and out of the kitchen and bedroom and Daniel continued to steal gulps of air as and when he deemed it both feasible and vital to his continued existence. She sailed past the bathroom door once more and then she was gone ’“ with the shuddering jolt of the front door and the click of heels on concrete as she went down the stairs.

Daniel finally let go of the towel rail and flapped soundlessly round his bathroom, rocking from one foot to the other, pacing one step in each direction. What was going on? A quick and determined inspection of his one bed flat just added to his bafflement. Nothing was missing, she was not a eccentric thief ’“ at least not yet. In fact, if anything things had been added. There was a new toaster in the kitchen, cushions on the bed and unfamiliar CDs in the rack in the sitting room. He might have been hideously embarrassed at being in the wrong flat if it wasn’t for the familiar fag burn on the sofa and the broken lava lamp down the side of his bed. If it wasn’t that nothing of his was out of place.

Daniel’s adrenalin levels got an extra boost when he saw that it was 8.35am already and he was about to miss the last bus that could get him to work on time. No matter how late he left work in the evening his boss still demanded punctuality ’“ in fact he was one of those bosses who thought it was a fantastic idea for his minions to arrive 15 minutes early so they weren’t making that first cup of coffee during work time. With his heart still battering sporadically in his chest Daniel found himself reaching for a shirt that he had discarded over the back of a chair a few days ago. It would be well aired by now.

Daniel caught the bus with no seconds to spare, the driver taking pity on him as he lunged across the road waving his arm in the air while impotently mouthing the words ’œStop’ and ’œWait’. There were no seats available and he clung onto a hand rail, mildly disgusted by the residue of stranger’s sweat. As he worked at regaining his composure, wiping his own sweaty forehead and trying hard to regulate his breathing, he thought of the woman in his flat. He still had no idea what on earth she had been doing there but in a way the most ridiculous thing about his whole morning was that despite it all he had actually rushed to get to work on time.

Why, after all the unexpected randomness of this morning had his instinct yanked him onto a bus headed for work? It wasn’t like he particularly cared about his work, it was bearable at best. It wasn’t even that there would be any serious repercussions for being late. So why was it that the thing that had got him most animated this morning was not the inexplicable appearance of an enigmatic woman in his flat but that familiar anxiety about getting to work on time? In fact, what the hell was he doing on this bus?

Daniel had piled off the bus before he was even conscious of making a decision not to go to work. His stomach swirled at the sudden realisation that a whole day stretched ahead of him and that he could do just what he wanted with his time. He could go back to the flat, await the return of the woman ’“ after all her belongings were strewn all over the place, it seemed unlikely she had just abandoned them. But what would be the use of sitting around all day, waiting?

Daniel decided he would walk into town and later when he returned home he would see whether or not the woman had reappeared.










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Comments by other Members



Katerina at 14:59 on 14 September 2011  Report this post
Hello Kat, welcome to the group.

Well this is a different story, and it leaves you with plenty of scope to continue it.

You have quite a few long sentences, lots of places where commas are needed but not been inserted.

A good tip is to read your work out loud, and where you naturally pause, put a comma.

I'll give you some examples -

He turned right onto the makeshift path which was a much used short cut in summer but by October had become a mush of mud and weeds. He brushed past overgrown bushes at the gate. Raindrops which had lain perfectly formed on plant life since the lunchtime downpour now splattered against his knees and gleefully permeated the fabric of his trousers.


In this bit, I would put a few commas so that it reads like so -

He turned right onto the makeshift path, which was a much used short cut in summer, but by October had become a mush of mud and weeds. He brushed past overgrown bushes at the gate. Raindrops, which had lain perfectly formed on plant life since the lunchtime downpour, now splattered against his knees and gleefully permeated the fabric of his trousers.

You can even replace commas with short dashes in some cases, such as -

He turned right onto the makeshift path - which was a much used short cut in summer - but by October had become a mush of mud and weeds. He brushed past overgrown bushes at the gate. Raindrops, which had lain perfectly formed on plant life since the lunchtime downpour, now splattered against his knees and gleefully permeated the fabric of his trousers.

There are lots of other areas where commas are needed, so have a read through and see where you can put them.

I felt that the repetition of his name was a bit niggling, maybe use something else instead - rephrase things a bit? Maybe instead of saying - Daniel caught the bus with no seconds to spare, you could say - he caught the bus with no seconds to spare

You can easily rephrase things, this for instance, this -

In the small square hall Daniel edged slowly towards the kitchen. A chair scraped and at the possibility of coming face to face with whoever it was Daniel found himself hiding behind the bathroom door, gripping the towel rail.


Could be changed to something like -

As Daniel edged slowly towards the kitchen, he heard a chair scrape, and at the possibility of coming face to face with whoever it was, he hid behind the bathroom door, gripping the towel rail so hard his knuckles turned white.

There is an awful lot of telling in this - it would be better if you could show us what's happening with some action and dialogue if possible.

Another very long sentence here, which could be broken up with commas or even shortened. The phrase 'why use twenty words when you can say it in five' is very true especially in short stories. If something isn't necessary to the plot, then remove it.

He still had no idea what on earth she had been doing there but in a way the most ridiculous thing about his whole morning was that despite it all he had actually rushed to get to work on time
.

This cold be changed to something like -

He still had no idea what she'd been doing there, but the most ridiculous thing about his whole morning was that he'd actually rushed to get to work on time.

This says what you want, but with fewer words.

I liked this story, liked the intrigue, but, I feel that unless the story is in instalments and there's more to come, as readers, we need any loose ends to be tied up, so, I'd like to know who the woman is.

I think it would make it a more complete story if we found out at the end who she was.

Maybe Daniel has lost his memory and she's his wife or girlfriend?

Hope my comments have helped Kat, see what the others say as well.

Kat x





<Added>

This cold be changed to something like - lol, COULD!

Katf25 at 20:03 on 14 September 2011  Report this post
Thanks for the comments - they are really useful and spot on I think. You've given me lots to work with!

fluffyduffy at 20:14 on 15 September 2011  Report this post
Hi Kat,

I, too, thought this story was different but good and you created a wonderful image of Daniel's mundane life. Is this the first half of the story? Is there more to come? The reason I ask is that I found myself asking who the woman was, why Daniel didn't want to confront her, even if she was a stranger in his flat. At first I thought I thought maybe Daniel was actually a ghost - without realising - and he was continuing as though he were still alive and the woman was actually the new occupant of the flat, hence why her belongings were in the flat as well. Do you see what I mean? But then realised that wasn' the case if the bus driver and boss could see/interact with him.

I did feel a little confused at the end, so many questions unanswered, but if this is the first part of the story then the answers would be answered in later sections

Kat has already mentioned the long para's so I won't repeat it. I think this has a lot of potential and I am certainly intrigued by what's to happen next.

I hope this helps, Kat

Alana

fiona_j at 20:51 on 15 September 2011  Report this post
Hello,

This was definitely a very intriguing story. You paint the picture of a man stuck in a rut. Like Alana, though, I thought the man might turn out to be a ghost. I do think you need to tell us what's going on a bit more. Otherwise, we're left a little frustrated.

There is quite a bit of tell in this. One way, maybe of changing this would be for him to have some polite dialogue with the bus driver or the random man on the bus. You could show that he's drunk by having him talk with a slur and look with a squint, for example.

I would like to read more of this, find out what's going on, who this woman is, it's all very strange and interesting. Please post up a re-write when you have it.

Fi x

Account Closed at 09:32 on 18 October 2011  Report this post
Hi Kat

I enjoyed much of the description and it was an interesting read, but it felt like this was part of a wider story. I agree with the others - why didn't he confront the woman, why hide away and then go off to work, what happens next?

I felt the moth mirrored the wider story in a way. We see the moth fluttering around and then we know he's settled to wandering at the bottom of the panel. However, I felt I wanted to know more about the moth and his fight for freedom and felt a bit frustrated by the not knowing.

I don't have much to add that has not already been outlined, but the following tripped me up:

Daniel noticed the man was wearing Homer Simpson slippers and he looked sharply out of the window,

It isn't clear who looked sharply out of the window until you read further on in the sentence. At first I thought you meant the old man looked sharply out.

I did enjoy the story, but I'd love to know what the woman was doing in the apartment. I really would.


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