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Room 28

by YeOldeMariner 

Posted: 08 September 2011
Word Count: 1252


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This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


ROOM 28

Staff Nurse Ellen shivered as she observed an ambulance emerging from the swirling fog.
Two figures appeared from the vehicle and watched as nurses gently carried a hunched figure, through the huge oak doors of the Laurels Hospice

“What room is it going in?” A shaven headed prison officer asked.” I need to have a look before you wheel it in.”

“Well he’s hardly like to walk out is he?” Ellen replied.” He’s been allocated Room 28. Follow me.”


“Are they all here?” his companion asked

“Only the priest…. There’s no family, at least none that we know of.”

“Well what do you expect? No one would want to own to knowing the likes of him.” Shaven Head spat.
.

The skeletal figure was lifted onto the bed; eye’s burning with pain, gasps growing shallower by the minute.

“Not long to go now”

“Thank god for that, I’ve got a darts match at eight.”

The priest mumbled prayers for the dying.

“Well that’s it then, one less to worry about.” Shaven Head unlocked the handcuffs, removing them from the dead mans wrists.

After completing the formalities Ellen drove home to the flat she shared with Tim.

The front door sprang open. Tim’s angular frame filled the doorway but Ellen avoided his attempted embrace



“Nice to see you too. What’s the matter with you? Bad day?”

She told him about the prisoner in Room 28 over a glass of wine and how sad she felt at the occupant’s ignominious death.

“But he was a criminal Ellie.”

“He was a human being for fucks sake! You’re as bad as that bloody moron of a screw!” she dashed into the bedroom slamming the door behind her.

The next morning Ellen made her way to the nurse’s rest room for her usual pre shift coffee.

She spotted a white envelope sticking out of the pigeonhole reserved for internal memos.

“Oh shit. What now?”


The terse handwritten note requesting an interview with the chairman of the board of trustees was not the start to the day Ellen wanted.

Simon Winksworth gestured toward a plastic chair without looking up from a thin file he was studying.

“Ah Ellen. I believe we had a late night admission.”

“Sorry? Oh you mean the man from Oaktree prison. The governor rang saying they had an inmate with cancer and their medical people could no longer care for him. So I agreed we would admit him for palliative care. We’ve admitted prisoners before. Any way he died within an hour of admission so what’s the problem?”

“Do you know who he was, Ellen?”

“No. I’ve no idea who he was nor do I care .He was a man in the final stages of an evil illness and needed help, after all that’s what we’re supposed to be here for.”


“Ellen there’s no need to get on you’re high horse. I think you’d better read that”

He placed a copy of the Oaktree Gazette in front of her.

“Paedophile Dies in Hospice.” A banner headline screamed.

“James Henry Austin, dubbed the countries worst paedophile, died last night within hours of being admitted to the Laurels hospice. Local people were horrified that a convicted child killer was loose in there midst, and able to receive treatment meant for law-abiding citizens.”

“I’m sorry I don’t see where this leading. We had a dying man, who needed our help and we did our job, which believe it or not is to care for the dying.”

“I don’t need a lecture on the function of the hospice, Staff Nurse. There’s another problem. You know we’re dependent on outside sources for funding. It’s hard enough getting sponsors without publicity like this. I’ve just had calls from two of our more generous contributors withdrawing support. Without there help we are in very deep water. Oh and just to make my day the chair of the council finance committee wants an urgent discussion on future funding.”

“I don’t believe this. He was only here for a very short time and as for “being loose in there midst” that’s rubbish. He was in no condition to go anywhere. Does this mean we can’t admit anyone just because we don’t agree with there background? What would have happened if it had been a politician whose views weren’t in keeping with management or the council?”

“Oh come on Ellen there’s a huge difference and you know it!”

“Well you can tell your backers this. If it had been Saddam himself my actions would have been the same.”
She slammed the door behind her.



Simon arrived at the council offices and was immediately shown into the Chief Executives office.

Simon knew Charles Davies from his school days and welcomed him as an ally.

“Simon good to see you, take a pew. I suppose you know what this is about. You’ve read the papers.”

“Of course”


“You don’t need me to tell you this kind of exposure does the hospice and council no good at all. Rolling heads are being called for and...”

“Mines on the block.” Simon interjected

“Well it was suggested your resignation would appease the “mob” however there may be another way out of this mess.”

“Go on”

“The council can’t be seen to giving more funds especially, as it could be construed as agreeing this type of criminal is worthy of being treated as any other human being.”

“But in the eyes of God we are all equal”

“Yes. Yes that’s as maybe but not in the eyes of Joe Public.”

“With respect David, I’m not here to get involved in a philosophical discussion.”

“Yes quite. I’ll get straight to the point. The Laurels occupies a sizeable plot of land. Twenty five acres if my memory serves me right.”

Simon tensed; he didn’t like the direction the conversation was moving.

“You’re not suggesting the hospice be closed and the land be sold off surely.”

“Nothing like that. Well not quite anyway. The East wing takes about a third of the land doesn’t it? It’s the oldest part of the property and its upkeep takes up a sizable proportion of the budget.”

“And coincidentally houses room 28” Simon interrupted.

“That’s the room where…”

“Yes David, you know full well it is.”


David cleared his throat before continuing.


“If you were to apply for permission to demolish the East Wing, sell off that part for social housing not only would you be raising funds for the hospice but the public would be appeased.”

“That’s a preposterous idea. It’s pandering to mob rule.” Simon exclaimed.


“Think about it Simon. I don’t think there are many options open to you in this situation. Not if you want the work of the hospice to continue.”




A sultry summer day welcomed the great and good of Oaktree as they gathered for the opening of the refurbished hospice.

Three detached houses had been built on the site of Room 28 and the East wing.

Ellen and Simon stood side by side as they watched the Mayor cut the ribbon.

“Was it worth it, Simon?” Ellen asked.

He handed her a copy of the Oaktree Gazette. A thin smile played on her lips as she read the front page.

COUNCIL CHIEF RESIGNS IN PORNO. SCANDAL

“Councillor Davies, the councils Chief executive was forced to resign earlier this week as his personal office computer was found to have been used to view pornographic images.”

“I wonder if they’ll be wanting to demolish the council offices now.” Simon laughed.











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Comments by other Members



Lilly_Lass at 00:01 on 09 September 2011  Report this post
Hi, YOM. You already know I rate your writing, so I won’t repeat myself.

Room 28, cause for a good debate. You always have the ability to flip the coin, which is a good thing.

These are just my personal opinions.

ambulance emerging from the swirling fog
I would use through instead of from.

as nurses gently carried a hunched figure
I’m not sure this creates the image you are looking for. How are they carrying him? If he is on a stretcher, how can they tell he’s hunched?

I need to have a look before you wheel it in.”
Now he’s in a wheelchair or on a stretcher with wheels. So why were they carrying him?

No one would want to own to knowing the likes of him
This sentence doesn’t seem right, I paused & reread.

“Thank god for that, I’ve got a darts match at eight.”
Who said this? I’m guessing it was shaven head, but not too sure.

“No. I’ve no idea who he was nor do I care
I would drop, who he was.


Typos:
I’m far from perfect when it comes to grammar. So I am taking liberties, but I always like it when people point-out my mistakes. I even like it when they call them typos, it’s less embarrassing than admitting it wasn’t a typo. (Not that I’m saying yours ain’t genuine typos.)

“Well he’s hardly like to walk out is he?”
Likely

being for fucks sake!
Fuck

Any way
I’m sure it’s one word.

I’m sorry I don’t see where this leading.
Missing, is.

we don’t agree with there background
I’m sure this should be their. God I could be so wrong, but I would put their.

The council can’t be seen to giving more funds
I think this is missing be after to.


The one thing I did notice when I got to the end, the piece was a little short on actions.

I always read everything you upload and always wish it was a Chapter from a novel. Your short stories have the potential to be so much more. You excel yourself at times. I hope I don’t seem negative, because it isn’t my intention.

Lilly


Manusha at 13:27 on 10 September 2011  Report this post
Hi Michael,

I like this story. I want to make that clear because I’ve a bunch of nit-picks and I don’t want it to seem that I don’t like the story. You’ve managed to pack in a lot of action in so few words, seven different scenes, no less, although one could possibly be dropped. My main thought is that I would’ve been quite happy for it to be a bit longer. It feels as though you’re trying to tell the story too quickly, as though it’s a flash and you’re limited to a wordcount, whereas a slightly slower pace would allow the reader time to become more immersed in the scenes. Also, at the moment I feel that I’m in white space with simply the names and dialogue of the characters to hang on to, more imagery would help to ground the reader in the different settings.

As always, this is just one opinion, I’ll run through this one scene at a time:

Staff Nurse Ellen shivered as she observed an ambulance emerging from the swirling fog.
Two figures appeared from the vehicle and watched as nurses gently carried a hunched figure, through the huge oak doors of the Laurels Hospice

“What room is it going in?” A shaven headed prison officer asked.” I need to have a look before you wheel it in.”

“Well he’s hardly like to walk out is he?” Ellen replied.” He’s been allocated Room 28. Follow me.”

A good start, we have the setting, it’s a bit creepy with the swirling fog and Ellen shivering, and we know we are at a hospice. There’s a jump between the ambulance emerging and the two figures appearing though. Could the ambulance draw to a halt before her first?
After 'officer asked' and 'Ellen replied', the speech marks are attributed to the speech tag rather than the dialogue.
A small ‘a’ for ‘a shaven headed prison officer, comma after ‘asked’; it’s a speech tag.
Comma after ‘Ellen asked’.

“Are they all here?” his companion asked

“Only the priest…. There’s no family, at least none that we know of.”

“Well what do you expect? No one would want to own to knowing the likes of him.” Shaven Head spat.

This could be either be a part of the previous scene or the one after. Could you make it clearer which one it belongs to? Is it Ellen that says ‘Only the priest, etc’?
Full stop after ‘companion asked’. The ellipsis is probably not needed.

No one would want to own to knowing the likes of him.

Perhaps: Who would want to own up to knowing the likes of him?

Does Shaven Head really spit? How uncouth, and in a hospice too! Without a comma at the end of the speech it becomes an action. It might work better with ‘growled’ or ‘snarled’ or something.


The skeletal figure was lifted onto the bed; eye’s burning with pain, gasps growing shallower by the minute.

“Not long to go now”

“Thank god for that, I’ve got a darts match at eight.”

The priest mumbled prayers for the dying.

“Well that’s it then, one less to worry about.” Shaven Head unlocked the handcuffs, removing them from the dead mans wrists.


We’re in a new setting, presumably Room 28, but I’m in white space. There’s a bed in there somewhere, and the characters (only one of which do I have any idea of what they look like, unless you count the priest who I guess is priestly looking), but I’m not shown anything else apart from the handcuffs and the dead man’s wrists. Just one line of description would help set the scene in my mind.

gasps growing shallower by the minute.

Good description, I know he’s getting close to death.

eye’s burning with pain

This is a change of POV. We are seeing this through Ellen’s POV, so how can she see that his eyes are burning with pain? Her clinical knowledge might tell her that in this stage of the illness his eyes would feel that way, but it is her perception that we’re in, not the man’s.

Full stop after ‘Not long to go now’, and I’m not sure who says this, or the next line of dialogue.

There’s a jump from the man dying (‘prayers for the dying’) to him being dead (‘dead man’s wrists’). Perhaps there could be a link along the lines of ‘his last breath rattled in his chest’.

After completing the formalities Ellen drove home to the flat she shared with Tim.

The front door sprang open. Tim’s angular frame filled the doorway but Ellen avoided his attempted embrace

“Nice to see you too. What’s the matter with you? Bad day?”

She told him about the prisoner in Room 28 over a glass of wine and how sad she felt at the occupant’s ignominious death.

“But he was a criminal Ellie.”

“He was a human being for fucks sake! You’re as bad as that bloody moron of a screw!” she dashed slamming the door behind her.


The spaces between scenes seem a little random and don’t really separate the scenes properly. Despite the paragraph gaps (or lack of), I don’t consider this a part of the Room 28 scene as it leads into the scene at her flat. To be honest, I don’t think you need this part, it doesn’t really add anything that can’t be shown in the next scene, namely, that she’s upset about the attitude of others toward a dying man. Also, perhaps it’s simply one scene too many in such a short story.

If you want to keep it, why overcomplicate it with Tim being a flatmate? If he is, why would he try to embrace her? What can’t he simply be her boyfriend? If he is a flatmate, drop the embrace bit. Capital ‘s’ for ‘She dashed into the bedroom’.

The next morning Ellen made her way to the nurse’s rest room for her usual pre shift coffee.

She spotted a white envelope sticking out of the pigeonhole reserved for internal memos.

“Oh shit. What now?”

The terse handwritten note requesting an interview with the chairman of the board of trustees was not the start to the day Ellen wanted.

Pre shift = pre-shift.

This is almost a scene of its own because there is no descriptive link between it and her being in Simon’s office. Perhaps you could add that after reading the terse memo she reluctantly left her office to go to his. Then it becomes part of what follows.

“Ah Ellen,

Comma after ‘Ah’.

“Sorry? Oh you mean the man from Oaktree prison.

Comma after ‘Oh’.

He was a man in the final stages of an evil illness and needed help,

I work with nurses and don’t think they would describe an illness as ‘evil’ in such a formal situation, just ‘an illness’ would do. At this point I should say that from my experience I think you’ve got a nurse’s attitude bang on.

“Paedophile Dies in Hospice.” A banner headline screamed.

“James Henry Austin, dubbed the countries worst paedophile, died last night within hours of being admitted to the Laurels hospice. Local people were horrified that a convicted child killer was loose in there midst, and able to receive treatment meant for law-abiding citizens.”


Could you make this clearer that she’s reading from the paper rather than Simon or someone saying it? Perhaps by dropping the speech marks and putting it in italics or something.
countries = country’s.
‘Their’ instead of ‘there’ before ‘midst’.

“I’m sorry I don’t see where this leading.

Comma after ‘I’m sorry’.
We had a dying man, who needed our help and we did our job,

No comma after ‘dying man’.

Without there help

Without their help

He was only here for a very short time and as for “being loose in there midst” that’s rubbish.

Comma after ‘midst’. ‘Their’ instead of ‘there’ before ‘midst’ (hang on, is there an echo in here?). Because you’re using double speech marks for dialogue I think you need to put quoted speech within dialogue in single marks to avoid confusion.

just because we don’t agree with there background?

‘Their’ instead of ‘there’ before ‘background’ (I really must get the acoustics sorted in here).

What would have happened if it had been a politician whose views weren’t in keeping with management or the council?”

Nice point, well argued, Ellen. ;

I must admit that I’m starting to doubt the story now. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of a public outcry about someone receiving medical attention, whatever their crimes. Yes, privately we might say stuff like, ‘They should just let them die, they don’t deserve any better,’ but as a society we know we can’t go down that route. Even Saddam received medical treatment, and I don’t remember anyone publicly complaining about that.

If you do choose to drop the scene in her flat you would avoid closing two scenes with her slamming the door behind her.

Simon knew Charles Davies from his school days and welcomed him as an ally.

I think you could drop this, its clear enough from the following dialogue that they know each other, the detail as to how and why isn't important to the story unless it’s a longer one.

“Simon good to see you, take a pew. I suppose you know what this is about. You’ve read the papers.”

“Of course”

Comma after ‘Simon’.
Full stop after ‘Of course’.
Just a suggestion: “Simon, good to see you. Take a pew. I suppose you know what this is about?”

Rolling heads are being called for and...”

“Mines on the block.” Simon interjected

If Simon interjects it means Charles’ speech is cut off, he’s not pausing. Therefore an em-dash would be better to convey that than an ellipsis.
Full stop after ‘interjected’.
Unless there really are mines lying around the block you need an apostrophe in ‘Mine’s’. And does Simon really have to interject rather than simply Simon said? (Hey, I’ve just thought of a game!)

“Go on”

“But in the eyes of God we are all equal”

I know a place where full stops are on a buy-one-get-one-free offer if you’re a bit short! Is Simon the priest as well or is this a religious-based hospice?

“Yes. Yes that’s as maybe but not in the eyes of Joe Public.”

Comma after the second ‘yes’, not sure if you need the first.

“With respect David,

Comma after ‘respect’. But who is David? Is it Simon’s chum name for Charles Davies?

Simon tensed; he didn’t like the direction the conversation was moving.

Good, you could even go further by saying where in his body he felt the tension. I want to feel it too. The line of dialogue that follows could be on the same line as this one.

“You’re not suggesting the hospice be closed and the land be sold off surely.”

Just a suggestion: “Surely you’re not suggesting the hospice be closed and the land be sold off?”

“And coincidentally houses room 28” Simon interrupted.

“That’s the room where…”

“Yes David, you know full well it is.”

Comma after ‘room 28’. Perhaps it could be ‘Simon said’ rather than ‘interrupted’; Charles’ dialogue seemed to have ended anyway. I think you could drop from, ‘That’s the room’ to ‘you know full well it is’, and replace it with Charles simply saying, ‘Exactly’.

David cleared his throat before continuing.

The dialogue that follows really needs to be on the same line as this, that's assuming David is Charles Davies.

“If you were to apply for permission to demolish the East Wing, sell off that part for social housing not only would you be raising funds for the hospice but the public would be appeased.”

Would they be appeased? I’ve heard of public outcries about a hospital or hospice being closed. Would they be pleased because part of it is going to be knocked down? And just because one room was used to treat a paedophile?

“That’s a preposterous idea. It’s pandering to mob rule.” Simon exclaimed.

I think you could vary the structure of speech tag/dialogue here with; “That’s a preposterous idea, ‘’Simon exclaimed, ‘’It’s pandering to mob rule.”

“Think about it Simon.

Comma before ‘Simon.’

A sultry summer day welcomed the great and good of Oaktree as they gathered for the opening of the refurbished hospice.

Three detached houses had been built on the site of Room 28 and the East wing.

All of this can be in the same paragraph.

COUNCIL CHIEF RESIGNS IN PORNO. SCANDAL

“Councillor Davies, the councils Chief executive was forced to resign earlier this week as his personal office computer was found to have been used to view pornographic images.”

Whoa! Capital letters shouting at me! The previous headline didn’t need to be capitalised, I don’t think this one needs to be either. It would also retain continuity if it wasn’t. No full stop after ‘porno’. Again, perhaps it would be clearer that this wasn’t dialogue if it was without speech marks and in italics.

“Councillor Davies, the councils Chief executive was forced to resign earlier this week as his personal office computer was found to have been used to view pornographic images.”

Councils = council’s.
I think you could change ‘as’ for ‘when’.

It’s a good ending scene, the two characters together and sharing the moment when the tables turn. Ah, the hypocrisy of politics!

As I said at the beginning, I like this story, and I’d happily read a more filled out version. Perhaps it just needs tightening up on the reason why there would be such a big outcry. Maybe one of the children of one of the main sponsors was a child molested/killed by the dead man, a child who was particularly well loved by the local community. Perhaps the child had an illness and the town had rallied together to raise funds for their treatment, funds that might have gone toward the hospice.

Anyhows, it’s just one opinion, please balance it with other crits that you receive. I look forward to reading more, Michael.

Regards, Andy

YeOldeMariner at 20:00 on 10 September 2011  Report this post
Thanks to both for 2 fantastic and helpful comments.I've printed them off and will be using the commentsto improve this.

Mike


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