Leavetaking
Posted: 30 August 2011
Word Count: 113
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Enter no man’s land, where worn book marks stop
time dead, and quiet dust suspends thick hours,
stagger to the lip of a quantum drop,
to the stomach punch of funeral flowers.
Fold up clothes, close books, merely pack away
his life through the arc of a crimson sun.
Shawl old fires, wrap up loves that yesterday
were sinuous in a sea breeze. Keep one
eye on the door, and an ear to the wind,
wait, tearfully, for footfall on the stair,
stare unseeing at wreckage left behind,
touch, once, his jumper on the study chair.
When your son enters too, don’t catch his eye
which has caught the universe, sensed the lie.
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Comments by other Members
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 Sallyj at 12:32 on 31 August 2011
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Very powerful. I liked so much of this it is hard to pick any special parts. I think the images you use are very effective - the stomach punch of funeral flowers is just so right.
The only line I am still thinking about is the last - I may be very slow, but I don't understand what the 'lie' is.
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clyroroberts at 16:17 on 31 August 2011
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There are some great images in this - dust suspends thick hours - being my favourite of the whole poem, as if time has suddenly shifted into some new, achingly slow dimension. Wonderful image.
I also very much like - stomach punch of funeral flowers - A very fine line. And - worn book marks stop time dead - as if the suspension of the narrative represented in the book is also the suspension of a life, an excellent idea I think.
The last line suggests to me a young boy. Perhaps the woman is trying to keep the death from him? Catching the universe meaning that he sees mortality for the first time? Maybe I'm wrong.
I really enjoyed this piece and I'll keep reading it.
thanks
James R
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 nickb at 13:25 on 01 September 2011
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Thanks for the feedback guys. Never tried a sonnet before so it was a steep learning curve and I'm not sure how well I've coped with the discipline in imposes. Also wasn't sure about the ending which I guessed you picked up on Sally (although James was about right in what I intended - intrigued to know why you thought this was from a woman's perspective though).
Cheers
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 James Graham at 12:29 on 04 September 2011
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A very fine piece of work - you need have no doubts about it as a sonnet. Starting with the basics, the rhymes are all perfectly natural and there’s no sense that any line has been in any way contorted to make a rhyme. Every line is at least interesting, and most are strikingly inventive. I tried listening to the metre and found it just a bit irregular - some lines seem to have four beats and some five - but it would be pedantic to make anything of this as the poem reads smoothly and the inventiveness of the language makes such an impact.
Moving on from technicalities, the poem as a whole powerfully captures an experience of bereavement. There are vivid details such as ‘touch, once, his jumper on the study chair’ which convey the heightened awareness we have of things left behind by the deceased. The ‘worn book marks’ image suggests actual books the deceased was reading and will never finish, and this is one of the most telling details, especially as its meaning broadens out to a contemplation of time and the sense we have of time stopping, even for those who are still alive. There’s much more to be found and it adds up to a poem that makes an immediate impact but also has depth.
There seem to have been one or two issues. The voice doesn’t seem to me to be a woman’s especially, though I suppose it might be. The deceased is most likely a grandfather, the father of the speaker, whose son is also present. That doesn’t present a problem for me. The other question is about ‘the lie’. I take it to mean the illusion of life after death; the son (grandson) has ‘caught the universe’, looked up into the night sky perhaps, and concluded that there is no heaven. But perhaps you don’t agree with this interpretation. It works for me; the whole poem falls into place for me on that understanding.
After several readings one word still jars with me: ‘quantum’. It’s a word that’s bandied about quite a lot. I’ve next to no idea what it means scientifically, but it can be used loosely just to mean huge, ginormous etc. I suggest ‘sunless’ might be a better word: it would be echoed very interestingly by ‘crimson sun’ three lines further on. There’s already an echo of ‘book marks’ in ‘closed books’, and there’s ‘Keep one/ eye on the door’ and ‘catch his eye’, so the poem already works to some extent through these correspondences.
Let me know what you think of my reading of the poem. It’s a poem that deserves more attention and longer discussion.
James.
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nickb at 21:42 on 04 September 2011
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Hi Graham, thanks for your thoughts on this. I certainly agree with you about "quantum", it never felt quite right to me and I struggled with this bit more than the rest. I tried a whole range of words in here but none of the them seemed quite right. I think your suggestion of "sunless" is an excellent one.
With regard to the lie, I can see that you could legitimately interpret it the way you have and I have no issue with that. I think when I was writing it I was thinking more along the lines of the loss of innocence about death. When you're young life seems to stretch out forever, and when a close family member dies it is a huge jolt to a comfortable, and comforting existence. Perhaps in that sense "lie" is a little forced - after all we don't go round telling our kids they will live forever. On the other hand we do tend to protect them from anything that might be hurtful as far as possible, creating, perhaps, a false sense of security.
I take your point about the irregular metre. I have to say I found the discipline of the sonnet form a real challenge, though ultimately very rewarding.
Nick
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James Graham at 17:40 on 07 September 2011
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No, I don't think 'lie' is forced. There's something of a 'lie' or at least evasion implied by your interpretation as well as mine. It's always interesting to find that there can be more than one valid reading of a poem. Usually that's a sign of the poem's strength - certainly in this case it is.
James.
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 V`yonne at 15:27 on 16 October 2011
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I love this. The only word that's wrong seems to me is quantum. That has to do with energy and you need something to do with time - a momentary drop? or maybe it's an inevitable drop - something that smacks of finality.
I think this one is wonderful. Sorry to take so long to get to it.
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