The Ticking Clock
Posted: 29 August 2011
Word Count: 275
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The clock has stood in the corner of the room
since the days when our love first did bloom.
Second by second, hour by hour
it watched as the bloom turned into a flower.
Over the years it tenderly ticked and tocked,
Chiming with every new hour clocked.
The sound that filled the room a faithful companion
While the face of the place changed with the passing fashion.
Some days the room was colder than times that’d gone
But still, that constant clock kept ticking on.
Now, day by day the clock is slowing,
Showing signs of its prophetic knowing.
It stands quite high as it sombrely ticks,
empathising with every tear that drips.
One day the chiming will come to a still,
Marking the end of a terminal ill.
And on that day when the room will silent be,
The broken, old clock will stand helplessly;
Unable to make its cogs restart;
Unable to mend this broken, old heart.
Freeverse Version
The clock's friendly face has watched
from the first minute of our time.
It's sound has tracked our life,
joyfully chiming the passage of each new phase.
As we grew and the room it stood in changed,
the clock stood watching us still.
When the room grew cold;
when we learned of the illness;
the clock never stopped
but faithfully stood its ground.
It's still ticking now, as I let my tears fall.
But it's cogs are rusting
and it’s slowing down.
It’s laboured ticking matching your breath.
Soon the ticking will come to an end.
The final passage
marked by a silence so great
that time itself
will stand
still.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 14:30 on 03 September 2011
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Hello Jessica - welcome to the group. I've been away for a few days but will comment on your poem soon.
James.
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James Graham at 14:12 on 04 September 2011
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The idea of this poem is excellent - a clock measuring the seconds and hours of a whole lifetime, then beginning to run slow and finally stopping. It seems almost a living presence, and at the end it really seems dead, no more able to function again than a human heart that has stopped.
However I’m very doubtful about your choice of rhyming form. I think it gets in the way of the good poem that your basic idea should produce. Some lines sound artificial because of the need to find a rhyme: ‘ticked and tocked’ rhyming with ‘clocked’ is weak, for example, but the most jarring is ‘One day the chiming will come to a still, Marking the end of a terminal ill’. These lines about death, suggesting the kind of grief that accompanies a terminal illness - a grief that begins while the person is still alive - should be stronger and more moving than they are, but they’re spoiled by the rhyme. ‘Come to a still’ is an awkward phrase, and ‘terminal ill’ looks like the usual expression ‘terminal illness’ simply cut short to force the rhyme.
Some expressions in the poem are close to cliche, and I think this too is a consequence of using rhyme. The idea of love blooming and flowering is a tired one, found in many an old-fashioned pop song or in ‘songs from the shows’. Mending a broken heart is a cliche too. It’s easy to fall into these conventional phrases when you write a rhyming poem, because it’s easier to fit them into a rhyming line.
I’m sorry my first response to your first Write Words poem is so critical, but I do feel there’s a good poem here that hasn’t been written yet. I don’t know if you have ever tried free verse, so here are a few lines suggesting a different way to write this poem:
The clock has stood in the corner
since the first hours of our love,
counted its flowering
second by second,
tenderly ticking and chiming
even in later days
when the room was sometimes cold. |
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One thing you can do by this approach is to condense the poem and avoid spinning it out too much. The above version reduces your first ten lines to seven, and the lines are shorter. In free verse you choose freely when to begin a new line, though each new line should add something to the poem. The above lines also have rhythm just as the rhyming lines have. What has been lost is the rhyme, which I think is the main obstacle as your poem stands.
I hope you don’t mind my taking liberties with your poem, but as I said already I think the idea you have could develop into a much better poem. I’m happy to discuss the poem further, and would be interested to know if you agree or not with my free verse suggestion.
James.
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 JessicaPaul at 15:48 on 04 September 2011
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Hi James,
Thanks for taking so long over your reply. I know what you mean about the rhyme. I'm relatively new to writing poetry. I've always written in rhyme, never tried anything else. However, I'll have a go at writing it in free verse and put it on when I'm finished to see what you think. I'm glad you liked the idea behind it though.
Jessica
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clyroroberts at 11:34 on 12 September 2011
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Hello Jessica
I also think the idea behind the piece is very good and agree with James that you should have an attempt at a free verse version. It would be interesting to find a rhythm for the piece that slows as the poem ends. Words like "standstill" have a nice internal ticking rhythm that you could build on. And with a word like that you could separate the two elements and spread them further apart on a line or couple of lines, a line like "Still, after long passed time, it stands." or It's still standing after . . . ." Just a few basic examples. Hope this helps.
Thanks for posting the poem.
James R
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 V`yonne at 15:20 on 16 October 2011
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I too think a free verse version of this would be great and I lookmforward to seeing it.
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JessicaPaul at 15:58 on 14 May 2012
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Okay everyone, I know it's been a very long time since I said I'd try a free verse version of this.....and I'm still struggling. The bottom line is I just don't know how to make the connection between the clock and the illness that I can when I use rhyme. Whats more is, even when I try to wirte without rhyming, the rhyming just comes naturally and then I find that I avoid it to the point that I can't find a way to say what I want to. Help! Here's what I have so far...
The clock's friendly face has watched
from the first minute of our time.
It's sound has tracked our life,
chiming the passage of each new phase.
As we grew and the room it stood in changed,
the clock stood watching us still.
When the room grew cold -
when we learned of the illness,
the clock never stopped
but faithfully stood its ground.
It's still ticking now,
as I let my tears fall.
But it's slowing down
and soon it will come
to an end.
Bearing in mind that I'm not really sure how to write free verse, please give me some pointers! Is this what you meant by finding a rythm that slowed as the poem reached the end James R?
Jessica
<Added>
How about formatting it more like this?:
The clock's friendly face has watched
from the first minute of our time.
It's sound has tracked our life,
chiming the passage of each new phase.
As we grew and the room it stood in changed,
the clock stood watching us still.
When the room grew cold -
when we learned of the illness,
the clock never stopped
but faithfully stood its ground.
It's still ticking now,
beating on as I let my tears fall.
But it's slowing and soon
it'll come to an
end.
<Added>
I wasn't happy with those so I've given it another go and added the version that I'm most happy with beneath the original piece!
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James Graham at 14:31 on 18 May 2012
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Your final version is the best. It may be partly my personal preference for free verse, but for me this poem is miles better now. No, it’s not just personal preference; there are real weaknesses which you’ve avoided altogether. By working without the need to rhyme you’ve lost such things as ‘our love first did bloom’. This includes the ‘did’, which was acceptable in Shakespeare’s time, and closer to the normal speech of that time, but is no longer natural; and ‘bloom’ which is rather a tired ‘poetic’ word to describe first love. Instead, you have
The clock's friendly face has watched
from the first minute of our time |
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- the second of these two lines especially is very fine. In a way it says more than ‘since the days when our love first did bloom’; it tells us that the clock has shared our whole lifetime with us. The words are simple, but the line is subtler and more profound than the original rhymed line.
Another ‘poetic’ cliche you’ve lost is ‘this broken, old heart’. The last five lines of your free verse version are much more effective. The ‘narrowing down’ works well, and again we have simplicity of language.
You’ve also lost one or two expressions that aren’t strictly speaking correct English idiom, e.g. ‘come to a still’ and ‘end of a terminal ill’.
I’ve very little criticism of your new version, except possibly that it’s a little repetitive. One ‘stood’ could be avoided by:
| As we grew and the room around it changed |
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As I look at other repetitions such as ‘passage’ and ‘ticking’ I don’t think there’s anything wrong there. That one 'stood' is the only one that matters.
I could suggest a slight rearrangement and the omission of one word, in the lines beginning ‘When the room grew cold...’ -
When we learned of your illness,
and the room grew cold,
the clock never stopped
but stood its ground. |
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‘And the room grew cold’ placed after ‘learned of your illness’ (‘your’ - better than ‘the’, perhaps?) becomes a very strong line. A moving line - five words conveying the feeling of desolation that follows such news.
‘Faithfully’ isn’t necessary; the faithfulness of the clock is clear from the whole context.
These are just minor possible changes. To lapse into a cliche, but a very sincere one - your labours have borne fruit! This is an excellent poem.
James.
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