Soldier
Posted: 03 August 2011
Word Count: 132
Summary: A pantoum which was inspired when I first saw my son in uniform amongst other soldiers ...
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I don’t know the man who stands
camouflaged, in green battledress,
feet apart, straight back, still hands,
unwitting, not dressed to impress.
Camouflaged in green battledress,
hard-cropped head turned away,
unwitting, not dressed to impress,
despite glossed boots, badged beret.
Hard-cropped head turned away
exposing bare vulnerable neck,
despite glossed boots, badged beret,
braced shoulders – a flawed effect.
Exposing bare, vulnerable neck,
pulse rippling beneath soft skin,
braced shoulders, a flawed effect,
veiled gaze, attention within.
Pulse rippling beneath soft skin,
my son’s rifled brow, drilled with lines,
veiled gaze, attention within -
then blue eyes lift, smile into mine.
My son’s rifled brow, drilled with lines,
feet apart, straight back, still hands,
then blue eyes lift, smile into mine
and I see my boy in the eyes of the man.
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Comments by other Members
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 James Graham at 19:37 on 04 August 2011
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Not being very good at formal verse, especially very strict forms, I always admire a successful poem like this. This particular form has curious effects due to the ‘spiral’ movement it creates, always turning back on itself and at the same time moving forward. If it’s successful, each exercise in the form will have its own distinctive quality. I think yours has.
Stanzas 1-4 work well, building a portrait of the soldier, clearly not a veteran but a young, inexperienced and vulnerable soldier. The repeated lines suggest to me the observer (the mother of the young man) taking in impressions and a moment later confirming them - ‘hard-cropped head turned away’, for example, an observation which has a strangeness about it, but which becomes a little less strange with the repetition of the line.
Where you make the form work best is in stanzas 5 and 6. The line
| veiled gaze, attention within |
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from stanza 4, now repeated in 5, becomes the prelude to a wonderful moment:
veiled gaze, attention within -
then blue eyes lift, smile into mine. |
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The next forward movement is at least as good:
then blue eyes lift, smile into mine
and I see my boy in the eyes of the man. |
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I notice too the way your repeated line ‘my son’s rifled brow, drilled with lines’, with its strong military connotations, contrasts with those other lines I’ve just mentioned.
The moment of eye-contact is quite magical, and the insight in the last line is memorable. This, I think, is why the poem succeeds and is much more than an exercise in strict form.
James.
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 Sallyj at 19:49 on 04 August 2011
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Thank you James. This poem originated in free verse, but was too self indulgent. Putting into the pantoum form really clarified my thoughts and helped present them clearly.
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 V`yonne at 16:36 on 07 August 2011
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I think you did well to get a pantoum to convey that much emotion. I was quite moved at the end. I think the only place where this really fell down for me was in the 3rd stanza - just that last line (which I know would therefore impact on the next stanza too, so it's a knotty problem...
Hard-cropped head turned away
exposing bare vulnerable neck,
despite glossed boots, badged beret,
braced shoulders – a flawed effect. |
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I wish I could suggest something but I'm not great at pantoums myself so my hat's off to you.
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Sallyj at 17:20 on 07 August 2011
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Hi Yvonne - this line was a bit difficult, and flawed effect does not easily convey all that I mean, which is that what you perceive is not necessarily reality,just as a rottweiler can be as gentle as a lamb. probably trying to put too much in as usual.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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V`yonne at 20:45 on 07 August 2011
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How about:
shoulders braced against attack
veiled gazed focused all within |
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?
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Sallyj at 07:47 on 08 August 2011
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Hi,
Just realised the mistake with your name ...sorry about that.
This is a good substitute - thank you. I might leave out the 'all' and just leave it as
'veiled gaze, focus within.'
Thank you for taking the time to wrestle with this recalcitrant line...
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