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Never Goodbye

by The Walrus 

Posted: 16 December 2003
Word Count: 419

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So carefree. So funny. The eloquent irreverence dancing in your eyes. The Champagne days I will never forget. We shared so much.

Dumbing down your considerable gifts, your abundant talents, to allow the rest to feel comfortable. Your feminine gentleness charming us all. And, forever, one step ahead. A young woman with such promise. Such a wonderful life ahead.

And then it came. The monstrosity. The filthy, disgusting alien, disfiguring your beautiful body, becoming involuntarily a part of you. It inhabited you. But, how you fought it with your serenity. You fought it with everything you had and more. Such grace, such courage in the face of horror, I doubt I will ever see again.

And we were with you, every step of the way. And even though the battle was lost, we pretended with you. We held you in our arms. You were never alone.

And as it spread, as it invaded you bit by bit, took you over, we held you in our arms. You were never alone.

And throughout it all, you smiled.

And, I remember massaging you to relieve your brutalised body and as you took off your clothes, I looked with horror at the scars across your breasts. I looked with outrage at the burns and I cried inside to see your beautiful hair cropped, your eyelashes gone, your face pale and wan. Before me, stood a woman who bore the scars of battle. And, as I laid my hands upon you, I wished that I was not so helpless, that I could do something to take away this horror.

And then came the day. The day, the day when we had to say our goodbyes. And I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t form the word ‘goodbye’. And I asked you, whether you had accepted. And, your face wet, through your oxygen ventilated voice, struggling to speak, you said “No, Chrissie, how can you?” And I said, “Fuck, don’t then. Don’t accept it. If you can’t reach Nirvana, no point in struggling. Don’t accept it”.

And I held you in my arms and said “My darling, there is more in heaven and earth. And, this thing, this thing, can take away everything, but it can’t take away the love.”

And, I didn’t take my leave, I could not form the word ‘goodbye’. I kissed you and left.

We celebrated your birthday in February.
We celebrated your marriage in April.
You left us in May.

My friend,
Hear me now.
You live on.

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Comments by other Members

Fearless at 21:30 on 16 December 2003  Report this post

A very moving, heartfelt, gentle, aching tribute to a much-missed friend, soul mate and confidante. A portrait of one hell of a woman.


The Walrus at 21:38 on 16 December 2003  Report this post
Thank you for your kind comments Fearless. And, yes, she is one hell of a woman.

The Walrus

roovacrag at 21:57 on 16 December 2003  Report this post
I know exactly what you mean. Been there and seen it happen. PAin heals but takes time. Best to get it out of your system and treat it. xxxxxxxxxx Alice

Bobo at 09:26 on 17 December 2003  Report this post
Walrus - this conveys so much about your friend and the friendship you had. To have someone close ripped away is about as painful as it gets. Beautiful piece.

BoBo x

Dee at 09:41 on 17 December 2003  Report this post
Walrus, I was weeping by the time I got half-way through this. How moving. How painful for you. And how brave of you to share it with us. Beautiful emotion.


The Walrus at 09:51 on 17 December 2003  Report this post
Alice, Bobo, Dee, I thank you. I wasn't sure about posting it. I am glad I did.

The Walrus

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