Still Doing his Bit
Posted: 20 July 2011
Word Count: 151
Summary: Inspired by a programme about the Wootton Bassett ceremonies of epatriation
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Still Doing his Bit
Every card, plastic flower
rain-soaked soft toy,
he collects with aching fingers
broken heart ,
this old soldier
marching now on battery power
fills the shopping basket
on his red, mobility scooter,
lurches, wide circle, for home,
turning his back on the bare
Wootton War memorial.
He straightens painful creases
wipes, dabs, winds scarlet ribbon, gathers
petals, photos, paper poppies,
dries each heartfelt gift, preserving
strangers’ tributes
to another fallen soldier. Bags
tags and glues every token
into unwieldy, weighty volume,
heavy archive boxes. No message lost,
no tear missed, no prayer unheard.
Wearily he sinks into body moulded armchair,
thinks, remembers times
long past, lessons he’d
thought learned in
Normandy’s blood soaked fields.
Knobbled fingers brush
painful rhythm on worn
twill trousers. Tearful, he slips
into dreams too terrible to tell,
of other young men, a brother,
cousin, friend. Why was
their loss not lesson enough?
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Comments by other Members
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 clyroroberts at 11:34 on 20 July 2011
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Hello SallyJ
On first reading this is a really strong piece, and very moving. I shall keep reading it and post again.
thanks for letting us read your work.
James R
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 James Graham at 10:58 on 21 July 2011
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Hello Sallyj, welcome to the group. I've had a look at your blog, and will go back to it. I'll take a little time over this poem and post a comment soon.
James.
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James Graham at 16:34 on 22 July 2011
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A very touching portrait of the old soldier. The poem makes us very aware of the struggle he now has to go on collecting and preserving these tokens. His death seems imminent, and we’re forced to reflect on the fact that his whole life has been dominated by his war experience. That’s the strongest impression I have, but the visual glimpses you give -
Knobbled fingers brush
painful rhythm on worn
twill trousers |
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add a touch of documentary reality, and fill out the portrait. (Would ‘Gnarled fingers’ be better? ‘Knobbled’ has a slightly comic overtone for me.)
Your closing lines are very well handled. The closing question especially allows the reader to weigh different meanings. The question is ambiguous in the best sense. Why was it not lesson enough for those who conduct wars? In view of the old man’s obsession, we might ask why it was not lesson enough for the survivors. Or why not lesson enough for young men who still want to be soldiers. We might also ponder answers to the question - those who start and conduct wars, for example, don’t learn the lesson because they don’t have to risk their own lives, and may profit from the deaths of others.
The old man is dreaming ‘dreams too terrible to tell’ but the question isn’t necessarily in his own voice. It may have occurred to him - ‘lessons he’d/ thought learned’ - but I can hear the poet’s voice here too, suggesting more levels of meaning than perhaps would occur to the old man.
I think the first stanza needs a few punctuation changes. It’s a ‘documentary’ poem, reporting on a real person in a real situation, and quite rightly has formal prose punctuation almost throughout. So I’ve added a little to the first stanza:
Every card, plastic flower,
rain-soaked soft toy,
he collects with aching fingers,
broken heart.
This old soldier,
marching now on battery power,
fills the shopping basket
on his red, mobility scooter,
lurches, wide circle, for home,
turning his back on the bare
Wootton War memorial. |
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You may think the punctuation is too heavy now, but I think it’s more consistent with the rest of the poem.
As I say, it’s a moving poem, not least in the lists of items collected and of the old man’s meticulous actions, but most of all in the sympathy we’re made to feel for him. And the poem has that openness to the reader to give more thought to the old man’s plight and to questions about war that poets keep asking and never seem to be satisfactorily answered.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
James.
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Sallyj at 17:37 on 22 July 2011
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Hi Graham,
Thank you for such in depth feedback.
I was trying to avoid gnarled, but you are right that knobbled isn't a good choice of word either. Also I think the punctuation did need tightening up, so thank you for helping out with that.
I am glad you found the old soldier a 'sympathetic character'.Also glad you could feel different levels of questioning...that was my point really, although the man himself really moved me when I watched him on the programme.
Thanks again for taking so much time over this poem. I appreciate it,
Sally
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 nickb at 23:42 on 22 July 2011
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I agree with much of what Graham says Sally, it is a very moving subject and well handled. It is the small detail that makes the impact and the pathos. Here is a man who has seen the horror of war and presumably feels it in an entirely different way to the rest of us. I particularly liked the ending as well.
The only bit that didn't work with me was "Normandy's blood soaked fields", seemed a bit of a cliche to me. We know Normandy was a bloodbatch and in this case maybe less is more?
Really enjoyed reading.
Nick
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Sallyj at 10:22 on 23 July 2011
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Thanks Nick...you are right...maybe just 'Normandy's fields? or perhaps a word lick 'blasted' or something like that would work better.
Thanks for reading and commenting. it is so helpful to get honest feedback.
Sally
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clyroroberts at 10:18 on 24 July 2011
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I must admit I don't have a problem with blood-soaked fields - I think we need to be reminded, we need the jolt.
If it is to be changed then perhaps linking the scarlet ribbon to the bloodshed in some way?
James has said most of what I would have said, the only line that I would change would be "broken-heart". I think the reference to the aching fingers in the previous line conveys the emotion well enough.
A very moving portrait overall.
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