|
|
 |
Misty Morn
Posted: 01 June 2011
Word Count: 30
|
Font Size
|
|
Severn flows,
relentless, sinuous,
coursing to the sea.
Mist-wraiths,
dance and rise
within riparian bounds.
Soft, still air
blankets fields.
ghostly trees stand guard.
Through
silken silence
a pheasant calls.
|
Comments by other Members
| |
 V`yonne at 09:09 on 01 June 2011
 Report this post
|
Dawn this time ; You have worked a nice bit of soft alliteration into this one.
Riparian - nice word 
In stanza 2 I'd put mist-wraiths rather than misty to show that the mist itself seems alive.
In 3
Soft, still air
blankets fields,
while ghostly trees stand guard. |
|
'while' drags me out of the scene here - it's your intervention - I see the poet not the poem here so
Soft, still air
blankets fields.
Ghostly trees stand guard. |
|
or even ghost-trees like mist-wraiths.
That stanza reads almost like haiku!
Stanza 4
I would turn this round to wake up the day and shorten it off:
Through
silken silence
a pheasant calls.
and then I'd change the title to Wake Up Call
Youn realise I keep saying I would. There is no right or best in this just suggestions but the thing to do is read that out with those changes and see whether it works and also listen to what everyone else here says.
I got a real sense of morning from this. Nice work Dave!
|
|
| |
 dharker at 09:26 on 01 June 2011
Report this post
|
Brilliant deconstruction again Oonah! Thank You! I'm beginning to see what you mean also and that pleases me a lot! I really love the suggestion for the last stanza - it does make a profound effect on the entire piece - improving it immeasurably!
I'm starting to get bitten by this... ;
As for Haiku... I'll walk before I run but I'm not so averse to giving that a go now!
Thank You!
Dave
| |
V`yonne at 10:04 on 01 June 2011
Report this post
|
|
haihu is really quite a challenge. Every word really has to work overtime and then some and yet always seem unstudied. You're doing brilliantly!
|
|
| |
 tusker at 14:43 on 01 June 2011
Report this post
|
The expert, Oonah, has given you good advice, Dave.
I loved this. I can see the scene.
I think that last stanza is very Hauki-like too.
Jennifer
| |
|
|
tusker at 15:24 on 01 June 2011
Report this post
|
I started last summer and still find the process a little un-nerving, but writing poetry is very soothing.
If I had to decide on being a member of only one forum, I'd have to opt for this forum. I'd never have thought that 2 years ago. Never thought about attempting poetry back then, but it helps to have good constructive advice and encouragement which makes you feel as if you're among friends and not critics. And if critisism does come which it must at times, it's not taken as a direct insult.
I'm always aware that a new writer and member starting on other forums might be put off by some harsh comments that are made at times. My motto is, constructive not destructive.
You'll end up a good poet yet, Dave, if this poem is anything to go by.
Jenifer
| |
Nella at 19:24 on 07 June 2011
Report this post
|
I think this is beautiful, Dave. It really paints a picture. Well done!
Robin
Jennifer, I'm so glad you like the forum and haven't regretted joining! Your input has been so good.
| |
dharker at 19:36 on 07 June 2011
Report this post
|
Thank You Robin! I'm still pretty new to writing of any sort so your comments are much appreciated!
Dave
| |
|
|
Neezes at 10:22 on 12 June 2011
Report this post
|
I got a really strong image from this, Dave, and I think it captures the location really well. Great stuff.
Jonathan
| |
 crowspark at 10:56 on 12 June 2011
Report this post
|
Lovely, Dave.
Mist-wraiths,
dance and rise
within riparian bounds |
|
And the contrast of the silken silence and the pheasants call!
Great job.
Bill
| |
| |
Comments by other Members
