 tusker at 14:40 on 26 May 2011
 Report this post
|
Lovely Dave. Good first attempt. So you're a closet poet too.
I really liked this. Loved: Sun dips into the horizon,
quenched by the sea.
A great feeling of the dying day on a beach.
Jennifer
| |
 dharker at 14:43 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Thanks Jennifer! Oonah bossed me into giving poetry a try (I'm glad she did but no-one tell her! Sssssh!!)
I'm still not sure I know what I'm doing but I did enjoy this so will continue to make attempts!
I'm so glad you enjoyed this!
Dave 
| |
tusker at 15:35 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Oonah bossed me too, last summer. What a woman!! It's the Irish in her.
Glad she did though as I do get more satisfaction out of writing poetry but, having always thought it was something cleverer people did, I was afraid of making an idiot of myself.
They're a good lot here and give encouragement and advice without pontificating, if you get what I mean. A calmer forum to be in.
Jennifer
| |
 V`yonne at 16:24 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
I'll boss the pair of you if you're not careful ;
Dave this is really nice. I love the auditory sence at the beginning - it takes us right there to the place and time of day and I also like the fact that this is a solitary gull "The gull" the only one left in the sky. This tells us the exact moment with so little effort.
I would take a line break after those first two lines so that the reader has time to pause and savour that place and time a moment before going on. A bit like letting the gull's voice die away... you know? Becasue poetry works in pauses.
Sun dips into the horizon,
quenched by the sea,
its warmth diminishes and dies. |
|
Again a beautiful image and it matches the wheeling away of the gulls - like everything departs at dusk. It's as if the entire seaside scenario is disappearing - going to bed. I'd take another line break there.
Very nice start. It's short and contrasts well with the longer lines and presents a break in form between day and night/ warmth and cold. I don't know why you chose to put those two words on their own but your instinct was spot on!
Then we have this lovely elongated line that changes the pace again from sudden cold to persisting cold
| waves cast an ozone chill into the still night air. |
|
It is a lovely phrase and you used internal rhyme chill and still to good effect. (That's rhyme that's not at the end of the line and therefore not IN YOUR FACE as a lot of rhyme can be.) Well done on that. The effect of chill and still, both very soft words, is to slow the poem after that shock of "steely grey" It's like night creeps slowly in now until the final line - nicely understated
If you want you can even just end
Day is done.
because in poetry the fewer words the better so it's usually best to cut out what you don't absolutely need.
This cannot be your very first poem and if it is I can only say we have a poet.
|
|
| |
dharker at 16:56 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Thanks Oonah! (How did she find out about the bossing about Jennifer???)
This is my first serious attempt at poetry, although I have a light hearted piece about a tree dropping its leaves which I like. I'll perhaps upload it so people can take a look...
Thank You also for the breakdown you've provided - what I've done is thrown some words together that I like. Having thrown the words down I found I liked what had happened and got a lot of feeling and atmosphere from them, and I really liked the result. You've dissected those words and helped me understand why I feel comfortable with this piece.
Dave
| |
 Desormais at 17:52 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Nice work Dave. This would make a nice caption for one of the photographs on your web site. Welcome to the group.
Sandra
| |
|
|
jenzarina at 19:27 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Hi Dave, a really warm welcome to the group!
What a wonderful poem. I really can't add much to what Oonah said, although I think that you could take away the last line without losing anything, although that is purely my personal opinion. It seems a little didactic, as if it is telling you what to think, whereas the rest of the poem *shows* you.
| The gull cries its goodnight wish, |
|
I love this as an opening line, starting with the end, as it were.
| |
dharker at 20:48 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Thank You Jennifer! I can see exactly what you're saying about that last line. I'll take it out I think!
Dave
| |
Neezes at 21:11 on 26 May 2011
Report this post
|
Lovely poem Dave, very well done and great analysis by Oonah!
Jonathan
| |
|
|
V`yonne at 16:56 on 27 May 2011
Report this post
|
| helped me understand why I feel comfortable with this piece. |
|
I think that's why you'll benfit so much from this group. You can learn a lot just from other people's comments and you already have a lovely feel for language.
|
|
| |
Nella at 20:22 on 28 May 2011
Report this post
|
Well done, Dave. It's a lovely snap-shot of a certain moment. Oonah has made great comments.
I came to this after you had done some changes. I wish I could compare the poem as it now to the original!
Looking forward to your next poem.
Robin
| |
dharker at 20:47 on 28 May 2011
Report this post
|
Thanks Robin!
Dave
<Added>
The words are the same (apart from the removal of a last line "The day is done"). Being a complete novice I took on board Oonah's comments about phrasing and put in some of the line spacing suggested....
| |
 FelixBenson at 14:56 on 30 May 2011
Report this post
|
Good poem Dave. I agree with all the positive comments that have already been said.
And welcome to the group.
Kirsty
| |
|
|
Comments by other Members
