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Don Juan Dances

by Ticonderoga 

Posted: 17 May 2011
Word Count: 199
Summary: another by Angry Me...........man's inhumanity to woman...


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Don Juan dances in the moonlight
sowing the air with silver phrases
setting hearts and feet a-flutter

'madder music, stronger wine' he cries
the night grows darker and uncanny
the atmosphere coagulates

off-kilter rhythms and notes of panic
infect the dance and twist the tunes
monstrous shadows loom in unseen threat

laughter curdles and grows shrill
young limbs distort, writhing weirdly
footfalls echo heavily, primordial

a corpse-grey golem rises from the earth
commanding, vast, implacable, enraged
unholy semblance of a murdered father

determined to revenge his daughter's....
squatting with a cardboard coffee cup
forced night and day to beg in alien cities

for coins that go straight to her gang boss;
sleeping with twenty men a night in Mumbai
under threat of never seeing her son again

her son by the man she was forced to marry
by the man who stole her from home in Nepal
had her cut open to give a rich man a kidney

and used the proceeeds to pay her dowry;
lying emaciated, bleeding, doped and senseless
on a filthy cot being serially raped

by 'paying customers', after lying tales
of easy work in England stole her life.

Don Juan dances in the moonlight.......












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Comments by other Members



Ticonderoga at 12:28 on 17 May 2011  Report this post
partially inspired by the horrendous but now reasonably happily resolved life of the phenomenally courageous Radhika Phuyal

James Graham at 11:48 on 19 May 2011  Report this post
Sorry, only a brief comment as Iím off for a weekend break. (Back Tuesday.) I read the story of Radhika Phuyal and immediately understand the anger you express. Itís multiplied, of course, when you realise how widespread this is and how many other victims there are. Youíre right to frame it with Don Juan, showing all he represents in a very different perspective. And your ending

Don Juan dances in the moonlight.......


and it all starts again, another victim, more hideous exploitation.

James.

Ticonderoga at 13:36 on 19 May 2011  Report this post
Thanks James -

Have a good break. M

SarahT at 23:24 on 23 May 2011  Report this post
Hi Mike,

There are some good poetic moments in this. For instance, the first stanza is strong on alliteration and I liked the partial rhyme at the end of the first and third line here:
laughter curdles and grows shrill
young limbs distort, writhing weirdly
footfalls echo heavily, primordial

And later on, you have 'doped' and 'raped'

However, in some places, I found myself seeing this as a series of chopped up sentences, rather than a poem. This is especially true towards the end of the poem, where the lines feel much looser, almost as if you have cut them straight from headlines:
for coins that go straight to her gang boss;
sleeping with twenty men a night in Mumbai
under threat of never seeing her son again

her son by the man she was forced to marry
by the man who stole her from home in Nepal
had her cut open to give a rich man a kidney


I think part of my difficulty with these lines is that I didn't get any sense of a rhythm. Also, on a point of personal taste, I thought the following was a bit too much 'tell'.
a chill of danger frosts the scene


I hope this is useful.

S






Ticonderoga at 10:47 on 25 May 2011  Report this post
Hi Sarah -
the shift in tone and rhythm is very deliberate, the more jarring the better, to wrench the poem away from the Romantic notion of Don Juan into the here and now and the horrendous legacy of Don Juanism........blah, blah, blah! But I'll read your comments thoroughly and take them on board. Thanks,

Mike









SarahT at 21:07 on 26 May 2011  Report this post
Yes, I'd wondered if that was your intention but I'm not sure it works for me. At the moment it feels as though you are sacrificing the medium for the message. Maybe cut up the lines a little more, if that makes sense.

S

Ticonderoga at 11:41 on 27 May 2011  Report this post
ta sarah.................will think on...............

M

purpletandem at 07:52 on 28 May 2011  Report this post
By the end of this poem I feel a sense of sickness, and rightly so, so well done. The change of pace and style did work for me.

However, I agree with Sarah's comment on 'a chill of danger frosts the scene'.

The word 'gang' is very arresting. Up till that point there is a lilt to the rhythm which is suddenly interrupted. If that was intentional it works well.

Can I just ask about 'daughter's'? It feels like there is a noun missing. Daughter's what? Is there a rogue apostrophe perhaps?

I do like this poem. It is hard hitting.

pt

FelixBenson at 10:46 on 28 May 2011  Report this post
A subject worthy of a furious poem! This poem is tightly controlled, and the structure seems to demonstrate the complexity of this exploitation. Each verse revealing a further layer, as this misery deepens, and passes on to the next generation...or just keeps going on like a waking nightmare. It really is so harrowing. It's not easy to write about this, but you have managed a very good poem of very dark material.

Kirsty


Ticonderoga at 13:05 on 28 May 2011  Report this post
Hi pt -

Thanks for all that; yes the shifts and gear changes and jarrings are all intentional; however, I may have mis-punctuated after daughter's. Obviously in the DJ story it's rape, but I wanted that to be the point where it shifts; I think I'll try....... instead!

Best, Mike

Ticonderoga at 13:07 on 28 May 2011  Report this post
Kirsty -

Thanks for reading it so closely.......you got exactly what I intended!

All best, Mike




<Added>

PS pt & Kirsty -

I'll have alook at that chill................

M

<Added>

The chill has gone...................

V`yonne at 17:33 on 22 June 2011  Report this post
OMG That is just so sickening I almost wish I hadn't read it but of course that is your intent and well done for making it so!


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