Don Juan Dances
Posted: 17 May 2011
Word Count: 199
Summary: another by Angry Me...........man's inhumanity to woman...
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Don Juan dances in the moonlight
sowing the air with silver phrases
setting hearts and feet a-flutter
'madder music, stronger wine' he cries
the night grows darker and uncanny
the atmosphere coagulates
off-kilter rhythms and notes of panic
infect the dance and twist the tunes
monstrous shadows loom in unseen threat
laughter curdles and grows shrill
young limbs distort, writhing weirdly
footfalls echo heavily, primordial
a corpse-grey golem rises from the earth
commanding, vast, implacable, enraged
unholy semblance of a murdered father
determined to revenge his daughter's....
squatting with a cardboard coffee cup
forced night and day to beg in alien cities
for coins that go straight to her gang boss;
sleeping with twenty men a night in Mumbai
under threat of never seeing her son again
her son by the man she was forced to marry
by the man who stole her from home in Nepal
had her cut open to give a rich man a kidney
and used the proceeeds to pay her dowry;
lying emaciated, bleeding, doped and senseless
on a filthy cot being serially raped
by 'paying customers', after lying tales
of easy work in England stole her life.
Don Juan dances in the moonlight.......
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Comments by other Members
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 Ticonderoga at 12:28 on 17 May 2011
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partially inspired by the horrendous but now reasonably happily resolved life of the phenomenally courageous Radhika Phuyal
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 James Graham at 11:48 on 19 May 2011
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Sorry, only a brief comment as I’m off for a weekend break. (Back Tuesday.) I read the story of Radhika Phuyal and immediately understand the anger you express. It’s multiplied, of course, when you realise how widespread this is and how many other victims there are. You’re right to frame it with Don Juan, showing all he represents in a very different perspective. And your ending
| Don Juan dances in the moonlight....... |
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and it all starts again, another victim, more hideous exploitation.
James.
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SarahT at 23:24 on 23 May 2011
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Hi Mike,
There are some good poetic moments in this. For instance, the first stanza is strong on alliteration and I liked the partial rhyme at the end of the first and third line here:
laughter curdles and grows shrill
young limbs distort, writhing weirdly
footfalls echo heavily, primordial |
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And later on, you have 'doped' and 'raped'
However, in some places, I found myself seeing this as a series of chopped up sentences, rather than a poem. This is especially true towards the end of the poem, where the lines feel much looser, almost as if you have cut them straight from headlines:
for coins that go straight to her gang boss;
sleeping with twenty men a night in Mumbai
under threat of never seeing her son again
her son by the man she was forced to marry
by the man who stole her from home in Nepal
had her cut open to give a rich man a kidney |
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I think part of my difficulty with these lines is that I didn't get any sense of a rhythm. Also, on a point of personal taste, I thought the following was a bit too much 'tell'.
| a chill of danger frosts the scene |
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I hope this is useful.
S
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Ticonderoga at 10:47 on 25 May 2011
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Hi Sarah -
the shift in tone and rhythm is very deliberate, the more jarring the better, to wrench the poem away from the Romantic notion of Don Juan into the here and now and the horrendous legacy of Don Juanism........blah, blah, blah! But I'll read your comments thoroughly and take them on board. Thanks,
Mike
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SarahT at 21:07 on 26 May 2011
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Yes, I'd wondered if that was your intention but I'm not sure it works for me. At the moment it feels as though you are sacrificing the medium for the message. Maybe cut up the lines a little more, if that makes sense.
S
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purpletandem at 07:52 on 28 May 2011
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By the end of this poem I feel a sense of sickness, and rightly so, so well done. The change of pace and style did work for me.
However, I agree with Sarah's comment on 'a chill of danger frosts the scene'.
The word 'gang' is very arresting. Up till that point there is a lilt to the rhythm which is suddenly interrupted. If that was intentional it works well.
Can I just ask about 'daughter's'? It feels like there is a noun missing. Daughter's what? Is there a rogue apostrophe perhaps?
I do like this poem. It is hard hitting.
pt
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 FelixBenson at 10:46 on 28 May 2011
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A subject worthy of a furious poem! This poem is tightly controlled, and the structure seems to demonstrate the complexity of this exploitation. Each verse revealing a further layer, as this misery deepens, and passes on to the next generation...or just keeps going on like a waking nightmare. It really is so harrowing. It's not easy to write about this, but you have managed a very good poem of very dark material.
Kirsty
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Ticonderoga at 13:05 on 28 May 2011
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Hi pt -
Thanks for all that; yes the shifts and gear changes and jarrings are all intentional; however, I may have mis-punctuated after daughter's. Obviously in the DJ story it's rape, but I wanted that to be the point where it shifts; I think I'll try....... instead!
Best, Mike
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Ticonderoga at 13:07 on 28 May 2011
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Kirsty -
Thanks for reading it so closely.......you got exactly what I intended!
All best, Mike
<Added>
PS pt & Kirsty -
I'll have alook at that chill................
M
<Added>
The chill has gone...................
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 V`yonne at 17:33 on 22 June 2011
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OMG That is just so sickening I almost wish I hadn't read it but of course that is your intent and well done for making it so!
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