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Hundreds and Thousands

by Gerry 

Posted: 02 May 2011
Word Count: 467
Summary: For Dave's challenge.

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Hundreds and Thousands

'I love you, Toms,' said Ronnie. But she didn't turn to him, just tucked her feet in the tatty plimsolls up on the park bench, arms around huddled knees.
It'd be better, he reckoned, if she shut it. She'd been shouting her mouth off since they got caught.
The copper, the bloke, he was up the hill a way, his back to them now. And the other one, the woman, she'd gone towards the main gates, like she was off somewhere.
Then again, it wasn't like they were going to run away, was it?
Ronnie said, 'D'you hear me?'
He watched her staring at the pond - the ducks quiet now, drifting about. Then he saw her lift her head, squinting at the sun.
And he wanted to touch her again, her hair especially, the thick blackness of it, and see that look of hers, the violet eyes, and feel that pike-slim body next to his.
Half an hour ago, among the laurels and the yew bushes, he would have reached out, but here, what with all the people and that ...
'Ronnie ...' he said, hoping there'd been enough in his voice to make her look at him, show him those eyes again ...
'What?' she said, still staring down the hill. 'Dun't say nothing.' Her fingers were in her hair now, twisting it, saying, 'Unless you wants to say what I just said.' That soft Gloucester voice - Burronica.
He left it a while, watching her pulling at the black strands, winding them round her thumb. 'I do love you, Ron.'
'No,' he said. 'Really.'
'Love.' She shook her head, tutted. 'We're not supposed to know what that means, are we?'
'Bugger it,' she said. And she uncoiled her legs, came towards him, arms going round his neck now, then her lips on his: her lovely liquorice taste. He tried to get her to ease off a bit, then saw the woman walking back with a couple of 99s and felt the panic knotting in his belly again.
'They said we're just to sit here ...' he said.
'Sod them and what they want us to do.' He felt the snake belt on her shorts pressing into his side.
He pushed his fingers through her hair, saw past it to the woman: going quicker now, frowning as she walked over the grass.
'Hold up, Ron. The woman.'
'Bollocks to that bitch.'
'She's got some ice-creams. Maybe we're just going to get told off. Maybe it's going to be OK.'
But Ronnie had a hand down his trousers and was love-biting his neck, hard.
'Don't, Ron,' he said. The WPC came round the pond, eyes blazing.
'Ice cream's for kids,' said Ronnie. 'And we stopped being them just after lunch.'

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Comments by other Members

Prospero at 14:17 on 02 May 2011  Report this post
Hi Gerry

I liked the basic idea of this, but needed something more to hang the ending on. Why was the WPC buying ice-creams for the 'children'. If she was supposed to be watching them, why did she leave to buy ice-cream?

Couple of stylistic picks. Ithink she would have put her plimsolled feet on the bench, otherwise the implication is that she isn't wearing the plimsolls. Also clearly angry, rather than dead angry. As I say, purely stylistic.

You have a 104 words to spare, if want to use them to expand your tale and let us know what is going on.



Gerry at 14:52 on 02 May 2011  Report this post

All valid points. I'll tidy it up. I thought the maximum word-limit was 400.


Prospero at 17:11 on 02 May 2011  Report this post
If the word limit is 400 I am in big trouble ;o)


Gerry at 17:18 on 02 May 2011  Report this post

I've checked - it is 500. By the way, does the above version answer the questions you posed earlier?


Prospero at 22:42 on 02 May 2011  Report this post
Hi Gerry

Yes, thanks. This is much better.



V`yonne at 20:37 on 04 May 2011  Report this post
I think this needs paragraph breaks to make it easier to read on screen but I suspect they like it at EDF you know... It has a slam dunk ending.

Gerry at 21:13 on 04 May 2011  Report this post

Thanks, Oonah, but I don't know anything about EDF. Can you help me with this?


V`yonne at 23:49 on 05 May 2011  Report this post
www.everydayfiction.com They can take a wee while to reply and to be truthful I can't garantee but it may be worth a try. Read some of the stuff on their site and decide if you think it's the right place - thing is if they refuse you can try loads of other places You just have to keep trying in this game!

Gerry at 06:34 on 06 May 2011  Report this post

Thanks, Oonah. I'm not sure about this piece myself. But if you think I might get somewhere with it, it'll give it a go.


Bunbry at 14:04 on 07 May 2011  Report this post
This is very well written Gerry, some lovely phrases are used and I like the way you play with words and persectives.

Unfortunately I found myself disliking both of your characters and didn't really care if they were caught or not,or if they were shagging like rabbits or not.

I always think it's important to like a character, so that you can hope or fear what they hope or fear. If you don't care for the character you don't get involved in the story in the same way.

Obviously you can have a bad character so that your reader hopes he gets what's coming!


Gerry at 14:28 on 07 May 2011  Report this post

Thanks, Nick. Fair comment. I tend to do this more often than I notice it.


crowspark at 08:20 on 08 May 2011  Report this post
Hi Gerry.

I like this a lot. Great ending and once I had read the ending I fully understood my second read through.

So if there is an improvement it would be use some of your spare words to smooth out the opening to orientate the reader quickly. I'd use "park bench" early on. Put the reader in the scene first then introduce the "puzzle" of other people and what they are doing and what they have to do with the action.

Hope this helps.


Gerry at 08:24 on 08 May 2011  Report this post

Thanks, Bill. Yes, you're right about those things. I'll have a look.

Thanks again,


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