Park Life
Posted: 28 April 2011
Word Count: 101
Summary: For Jennifer's challenge
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Park Life
‘Lovely day, love,’ he said, taking her hand, getting closer on their bench. ‘Sixty-five years, eh? Cor.’
‘Yes, Jack. Who’d have thought? Us together all that time.’
‘Yes.’ He gazed at the ducks quacking away ... the kiddies at the ice-cream van, youngsters on their skateboards ... a courting couple under the old yew ...
‘Oh, Annie ...’ he said.
‘What?’
‘Who the bloody hell was Jack?’
Enid sighed, squeezed his hand some more, staring at the pond. ‘I wish I knew, Joe,’ she said.
He watched the ducks again for a bit. ‘Bill,’ he said, under his breath.
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Comments by other Members
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 Bunbry at 18:02 on 28 April 2011
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Hi Gerry, I might be reading this wrongly but this line
The ducks quacking away, kiddies at the ice-cream van by the gates, youngsters on their skateboards, a courting couple over there by the fountain ...
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seems to be from a third person's POV (because of the 'over there' bit).
Also it is in the present tense while the rest is is the past tense.
I'm not sure if this how you meant it to read.
Nick
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 dharker at 18:33 on 28 April 2011
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LOL! Almost brain melted until I realised she was getting his name wrong time and time again Gerry! Excellent! Question: was the line about the ducks him commenting on the scenery around them? then going on to ask who she was referring to as Jack?
Made me laugh when he then called Enid Annie...
Dave
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 Gerry at 18:48 on 28 April 2011
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Sorry, Nick. It's from Bill's PoV - I'll make it clearer.
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Gerry at 19:15 on 28 April 2011
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Yes, Dave - he looks around at the park before he decides to say it - it doesn't occur to him right away, of course. He looks at progressively older people having fun (not that the ducks aren't having a lark) before getting back to himself; and the sight of the courting couple makes him think about relationships - that was the idea anyway, but it wasn't so important if it didn't quite come off. Then it's only his looking at the ducks that makes him say 'Bill' - terrible joke ...
I only really got the idea when I got her name wrong myself; then I imagined these two oldies who'd both played the field to such an extent that it'd all got to be a bit of a blur, but still getting along pretty well; in fact, still quite happy, if befuddled ...
In an original version, the courting couple at the fountain were supposed to spark a memory of VE Day-infidelity for them, then I got her name wrong, Danny, and it all ... well, you know ...
Glad it got a giggle.
<Added>
The fountain has become trees now. Things change.
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 fiona_j at 23:02 on 28 April 2011
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Hello,
This was very funny. I wasn't sure if they just couldn't remember names very well anymore, or whether they were referring to each other with the names of past lovers.
I didn't get the hint with the ducks but once you pointed it out I had a little giggle about it.
Fi
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Forbes at 02:27 on 29 April 2011
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I liked this muchly.
See the point about the POV (ish) - perhaps just take 'there' out and it generalises it more.
Two senior moments entwined.
Cheers
Avis
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Gerry at 06:37 on 29 April 2011
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Thanks to everyone for their comments. Glad it's going down well.
Gerry.
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Gerry at 06:49 on 29 April 2011
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Fi - At some point I wanted the reader to feel as bewildered as the characters - so your response (and Dave's) was very nice.
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 Desormais at 06:56 on 29 April 2011
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Good one, Gerry. Didn't get it at first, but a third reading clinched it. 
Sandra
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 Manusha at 11:38 on 29 April 2011
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Loved it, Gerry,
Gave me a good laugh, and the more times I read it the funnier it got! Nice one. More please!
Andy
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tusker at 06:58 on 01 May 2011
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Yes, this is funny. I enjoyed the read, Gerry.
I reckon those names were past lovers.
Jennifer
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Comments by other Members
V`yonne
Cornelia
