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Amethyst Mists
Posted: 26 March 2011
Word Count: 72
Summary: I wrote this to celebrate first meeting my husband.
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I'd never seen a lemon tree before.
We reached out that morning
to impossibly blue skies
and swam in turquoise seas.
I'd never known a sun so bright
and amethyst mists round islands as evening fell.
Your laugh flooded your generous eyes
as we walked in moonlit pastures
between stars and sunkissed corn.
You gave me a world.
I don't know where I was before
but I know I'll always love you.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 20:55 on 27 March 2011
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That sounded like a special meeting, Rosie. You paint a lovely picture here. I would suggest instead of your and your
| laughter flooded your generous eyes |
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Welcome to Writewords. I hope you're going to stay.
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 FelixBenson at 13:04 on 28 March 2011
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Hi Rosie,
Welcome to Writewords.
Well it sounds like you met your husband in an idyllic and romantic place! No wonder you wanted to write about it.
I think the opening line is perfect - it really grabs the reader's attention, and immediately gives the poem a sense of being overseas, and exotic. But it also captures the fact that this poem is about new, eye opening, amazing experiences.
I like these statements which begin each stanza, I think they give the poem a lot of power.
I'd never seen a lemon tree before.
I'd never known a sun so bright
You gave me a world. |
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I wondered about the last one though.
What do you think about . The other statements have a great sense of immediacy about them, and to say you gave me this world, mirrors that immediacy I think. But it's just a suggestion. If it doesn't feel right, just ignore me.
Certainly this sounds like a memorable meeting in a very beautiful place. And that really comes across in the poem.
Cheers, Kirsty
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 James Graham at 13:53 on 28 March 2011
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Hi Rosie - Welcome to WW. And what a debut! It can be hard to write a love poem without slipping into flowery, ‘romantic’ language but you’ve written one that comes across as absolutely genuine. A line like
| I'd never seen a lemon tree before |
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is the kind of thing I mean. Simple lines that really resonate.
| I don't know where I was before |
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echoes it and for me is the best line in the poem.
The only word that I feel a little uncomfortable with is ‘sunkissed’. ‘Sunkissed corn’ is surely a bit of a cliche. Something plainer, a more matter-of-fact word such as ‘ripening’, would have more impact, I think. The whole poem is full of the joy of the place and the experience and you don’t need a ‘flowery’ word to embroider it.
A pleasure to read.
James.
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 rosiebrown at 14:31 on 28 March 2011
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Thanks all very much for your feedback - James - re sunkissed, I actually thought the very same as you, the thing is I felt myself so 'sunkissed'! as it was the first time I'd been somewhere as far as Greece so wanted to put it in somewhere but I think I'll try and rearrange it in some way.
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 nickb at 21:12 on 29 March 2011
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Hi Rosie, not much more to add but really enjoyed it, especially the opening. I agree with Kirsty about the last line though, it feels a bit matter of fact given the wonderful images that preceeded it.
Nick
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James Graham at 19:12 on 30 March 2011
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'I'll try and rearrange it in some way' - yes, of course, but only if you can keep the whole poem intact while changing that little bit. I mean, whatever you do don't spoil it. It's a lovely poem.
Referring to revision in general, not this poem which needs very little if any at all, this is one of the really obvious things I'm in the habit of saying: even if you do quite a drastic revision, the original is still there. If you mess about but finally settle for the original, your revision is still valuable, because it has removed doubts.
James.
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rosiebrown at 14:09 on 31 March 2011
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No ,don't worry, I won't change it much if at all because unlike many of the poems that I've written, it's very dear to me because I was so pleased that I'd got the feelings down in words just as I'd felt them which isn't always easy with emotions. I think cliches can be a difficult one because much as I dislike them, some are so beautiful and describe what you're trying to say!!
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