Crow Meadow
Posted: 22 March 2011
Word Count: 144
Summary: Not sure about the ending....may be a bit cheesy
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You have shut my eyes,
cut short my speech.
All I do is listen for your last words.
They are there each day
hooked on the curving hedgerow,
or squatting on the buckled gate.
I lost your last look,
deep in the morning mist
of ash, where light bends
citrine and blood orange.
You took it when you left
without looking round,
with crow scattered steps
across the field.
I try not to remember your touch,
it is too much, and makes a fist
in my pocket.
Black eyes watch me then,
and crow feet strut
familiar but unfriendly,
like this morning meadow.
They are poor company,
unintentionally cruel.
Their knowing look hits me
where I am vulnerable,
in a silence so deep I hear
my breath rise and fall.
But they don’t leave me,
and beyond the mist
I hear their bothers caw…..caw….call.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 00:39 on 23 March 2011
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I saw a couple of things I'd be inclined to change here
citrine to blood orange.
You took it when you left
never looking back, |
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and at the end of st3
familiar but unfriendly,
like this morning meadow. |
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morning meadow has a friendly sound to it.
I think what struck me most in the final stanza was the change of pov. I immediately had to go back and look for who 'they' might be. I don't think that works quite right. There seemed to me to be not enough of a connection between the you and the they
I quite liked
caw…..caw….call. 
I particularly like
I try not to remember your touch,
it is too much, and makes a fist
in my pocket. |
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 James Graham at 20:18 on 24 March 2011
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I couldn’t really see a problem with ‘you’ and ‘they’. ‘You’ is someone who has gone away, a lover almost certainly. ‘They’ are the crows - which seems clear even from the first stanza.
This is a very inventive poem about parting and loss, placed in a context that heightens the feeling of loss. You use the presence of the crows well. These are telling lines:
They are poor company,
unintentionally cruel |
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and
The poem’s narrator is left with the ‘poor company’ of the crows, which we feel is worse than no company at all. The second of these two quotes makes the point of the poem: you have left me, but they remain and seem to mock my loneliness. A sinister air is given to the crows by the way you describe them as ‘hooked’ on the hedge and ‘squatting’ on the gate, as well as by ‘their knowing look’ and of course the last line.
I agree with the change to ‘citrine to blood orange’ but see ‘without looking round’ as ok. I also agree that
I try not to remember your touch,
it is too much, and makes a fist
in my pocket |
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is excellent.
One or two bits that might need changing. For me the third line would be better as
| I listen for your last words |
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which is tidier and more abrupt, as such a painful line should be.
‘Morning meadow’ is a line you could think about. You could substitute another word instead of ‘morning’ to reinforce the unfriendliness mentioned in the previous line. The line as it stands could be taken as ironic, but maybe the irony is too veiled.
‘Crow scattered steps’ doesn’t quite make sense to me. I don’t know what to suggest, but I feel a new idea is needed to express how the departing person crossed the field.
But apart from these odds and ends, I think your poem is well imagined and realised. There’s something quite haunting about a sense of loss being filtered, as it were, through the medium of the crows.
James.
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 plurabelle at 22:40 on 24 March 2011
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I find this poem very haunting, and its ambiguity captures, for me, the painful obsessiveness of loss. "All I do is listen for your last words..." Those words still hang around, like the crows
"unintentionally cruel", unlike the "last look" which the lost person took away by leaving without looking back, and the "touch" which the protagonist tries desperately not to remember. It makes perfect sense to me that the words and the crows are completely identified with each other, so I wonder if you could simply make the last line "I hear their caw...caw...call." (I'm assuming that 'bothers' is a typo for 'brothers'.)
James says he's puzzled by "crow scattered steps", but if you put a hyphen between 'crow' and 'scattered" it would suggest to me that the lost person's steps scattered the crows (feeding in the misty morning light ?) as he/she crossed the field.
Una
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 nickb at 17:48 on 25 March 2011
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Thanks for your excellent feedback guys, lots of good points to work on.
N
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 FelixBenson at 10:42 on 28 March 2011
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Hi Nick
I agree with much of what has been said. The crows and the last words and lost love, they all work very well together. And that sick feeling when the familiar world looks sinister and strange. Crows are very good for this. They are unsettling creatures. I love them for that.
There was some debate about the morning meadow phrase.
familiar but unfriendly,
like this morning meadow. |
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I really like the idea of a meadow being unfriendly. It really fits with what you are trying to say, I think. I wondered if the word 'morning' was necessary though. 'Unfriendly like this meadow' gives it more impact, I think, and there is already a mention of morning earlier on. I would be inclined to drop it.
I didn't have a problem with crow scattered steps, but agreed that a hyphen would help it. It made quite a visual image for me. I wasn't so keen on caw, caw call. But it does give the reader a chance to hear the call, which I think was the purpose. And to just end it will call (and no caw) might be a bit flat.
If you do a revision, I'd be interested to see it. I like this poem very much.
Cheers, Kirsty
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SarahT at 23:36 on 30 March 2011
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Hi Nick,
You have a variety of views from everyone on this and I think I pretty much disagree with at least one thing that someone else has said, so apologies in advance!
First of all, I thought the strength of the poem was in lines/story such as:
I lost your last look,
[...]
You took it when you left
without looking round, |
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and
I try not to remember your touch,
it is too much, and makes a fist
in my pocket. |
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And, I don't think anybody has mentioned but the imagery in the first verse, of the memory of the words hanging like crows on the hedgerows, is an excellent way to start the theme of the poem.
They are there each day
hooked on the curving hedgerow,
or squatting on the buckled gate. |
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I also thought that 'morning meadow' worked because I took it to mean early morning, that is damp, chilly, not warmed up to the day so it does suit the mood. Although, having said that, you have already used morning earlier in the poem so perhaps, if you do change it, use a more explicit word to convey the chilliness/dampness of early morning instead.
But I really didn't like caw...caw...call which just sounds a bit cheesy to me.
Overall, I can see that there are probably a few tweaks that could be made and, like others, I would be interested to see how this finishes.
S
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nickb at 00:04 on 01 April 2011
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Thanks Kirsty and Sarah, really interesting to see your reactions. There is a lot to think about here. I think I'm coming round to your point of view about the ending Sarah, it does seem a bit contrived. Will do a re-draft.....
Cheers,
N
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