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ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD

by Sarah G 

Posted: 10 March 2011
Word Count: 2541
Summary: Emma Johnson appears to have everything, a nice home, two adorable twins, and a husband who dotes on her. Behind closed doors, Craig is a controlling, violent, criminal with no regard for the law. When a man is shot and killed outside a West End night club, Emma finds herself caught up in a world of deadly secrets from which there is no escape.


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


ACT ONE - PART ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. HOME - DAY

[Large detached building set in an acre of land.]

CUT TO:

INT. JOHNSON HOME - KITCHEN.

[EMMA (28) an attractive sylph-like woman with dark curly hair and olive skin, is making cakes with her twins, TYLER and TIONI (4) cute with golden-brown curls and tan skin. Emma holds the bowl steady while Tyler scoops the mixture into the paper cases Tioni sets out a baking tray. The television is on in the background. The lunchtime news catches Emma's attention. She picks up the remote control and turns up the sound.]

NEWSCASTER
A white male believed to be in his mid to late thirties has been shot and killed outside a West end nightclub. The victim- who has not been identified- was shot outside Illusion nightclub in Regent Street, London. It has not been established if the victim was at the club prior to the shooting, or just passing by.

Police were called at 0545 BST, and he was taken to The Royal London hospital, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. No arrests have been made in connection with the killing.

The police are appealing for witnesses...

[Emma shudders and changes the channel.]

EMMA
Watch the cartoons for a minute. I need to ring Daddy. I'll be back in a sec.

INT. HALLWAY

[Emma sits on the bottom stair with her mobile against her ear. She chews on her fingernails as the high-pitched BLEEP of the answer phone kicks in.]

EMMA
Give me a ring when you get this message. I need to speak to you. It's important.


CUT.

INT. TWINS BEDROOM - EVENING

[Emma sits on couch under the window. The twins sit either side of her listening to her read from a storybook. The front door SLAMS downstairs. The twins jump up and scramble into their beds. Emma closes the book and follows them. She straightens the duvet around each child and gives them a kiss.]

EMMA
Night-night, don't let the bed-bugs bite.

[The twins giggle as she heads for the door. She blows them a kiss and snaps out the light.]

CUT TO. HALLWAY

[CRAIG throws his keys on the hall table next to a vase of fresh flowers. He bends to give his wife a dutiful kiss as she lingers at the bottom of the stairs. She averts her face.]

CRAIG
(Frowning)
What's up with you?

EMMA
Where have you been?

CRAIG
Out. Why?

EMMA
Out where? I tried to call. Your phone was switched off.

CRAIG
Is dinner ready? I'm starving.

[She skirts round him and makes her way down the hall to the kitchen. He follows her and seats himself at the scrubbed, oak-wood table. He notices the single placement setting.]

CRAIG
You not eating?

EMMA
I'm not hungry.

[She picks up a cloth and takes a plate of food from the oven.
His eyes rove over her body as she sets it down in front of him.]

CRAIG
Just as well really. You could do with losing a few pounds. Your tits are getting a bit heavy as well.

[She turns towards the darkened window and studies her reflection.]

EMMA
Are they starting to sag?

CRAIG
Don't worry about it. I'd still love you even if you were fifteen stone with tits down to your ankles.

[She gives him a weak smile, walks over to the kettle and flicks the switch.]

EMMA
Coffee or tea?

CRAIG
Orange juice- freshly squeezed.

[As she walks past him to get to the fruit bowl, a resounding SLAP stops her in her tracks.]

CRAIG
(Lewd grin)
Your tits might be sagging but your arse still looks good.

[Camera zooms in on the indignant expression on her face.

She finishes squeezing the oranges and uses a paper towel to polish the glass before handing it to him. She holds her breath while he inspects it under the light. Finally, he gives a curt nod of approval.]

CRAIG
So, what you been up to today then, anything interesting?

EMMA
Not really. What about you?

[He throws her a look of disdain.]

CRAIG
What was so important you had to ring my mobile, that couldn't wait till I got home?

EMMA
A man was shot outside Illusion. I saw it on the news.

CRAIG
So?

EMMA
What do you mean, 'so'? It happened outside your club.

CRAIG
I didn't shoot him if that's what you think.

EMMA
What am I supposed to think when I find a gun hidden in the wardrobe- my wardrobe at that, you didn't even have the decency to hide it in your own. And then a week later there's a shooting outside your club. Bit of a coincidence wouldn't you say?

CRAIG
I already I told you. The gun belongs to mate. I'm just minding it for him. It's got nothing to do with what happened in Regent Street.

EMMA
How can you be sure?

CRAIG
Give it a rest, babe. You're starting to piss me off now.

EMMA
I'm your wife. I have a right to know what kind of business you're involved in.

[He slings down his knife and fork and glares at her through narrowed eyes.]

CRAIG
I don't see you complaining when you get behind the wheel of my convertible BM. I don't hear you asking questions about how legit my business is when you're buying designer clothes for yourself with my money.

EMMA
That was before I realised you've got friends involved with firearms.

CRAIG
I haven't, okay? It belongs to my sister's bloke, if you must know. So shut the fuck up and let me eat my dinner in peace.

EMMA
No, I won't shut up. What if one of the kids had found it instead of me?

CRAIG
Don't be stupid. It's on the top shelf. They can't reach that high. If it bothers you that much I'll get rid of it.

EMMA
You know it bothers me. You shouldn't have agreed to look after it in the first place.

[He pushes his plate away and stands up. Emma shies away as he moves towards her. He backs her against the stainless steel American-style fridge, and caresses her cheek with his index finger.]

CRAIG
I swear on the twins' life the gun has got nothing to do with me, okay? I might duck and dive a bit, here and there, but I would never get involved in that sort of shit.

[He grabs her round the back of her neck and plants a kiss on her forehead.]

CRAIG
I gotta pop out for a bit. I won't be long.

EMMA
But you've been out all day.

CRAIG
Wait up for me. I'll only be a couple of hours.

CUT

INT. PUB - EVENING.

[SIMON (30's) Tall and broad shouldered with short cropped hair, is sitting at a table laughing and joking with GARY (30's) Slightly built and covered in tattoos, with mad eyes, CHALKY (30's) A black man with a bald head and a heavy build, and PETER (30's) a man of few words, with a medium build, dressed in an immaculate suit. Craig swaggers over and joins them.]

SIMON.
Hey, we was wondering when you'd show up. What kept ya?

CRAIG
I had a bit of grief with the old woman. She kept harping on about the shooting in Regent Street.

PETER
You didn't tell her nothing, did ya?

CRAIG
Behave, my name ain't Simon, you know?

CHALKY
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a nosey woman with a big gob.

CRAIG
You and me both, mate. She's lucky she didn't get a slap.

[He holds his thumb and forefinger a centimetre apart.]

CRAIG
She came this close to it, I tell ya.

GARY
(Grinning)
If she had the tits to match her gob, I reckon I could make an exception.

CRAIG
You'd make an exception for anything female, Gaz.

GARY
Yep, you're right there. If it moves I'll shag it.

SIMON
Ain't you afraid of taking something back to your misses?

GARY
Nah! I make sure I carry plenty of protection.

[He puts his hand in his pocket, pulls out an assortment of condoms, and offers them around.]

GARY
Chocolate, strawberry, ribbed. I got all sorts, take your pick.

[Craig makes a random selection and rips it open.]

CRAIG
Extra strength- it's the thickness of a balloon. What the fuck do you want that for?

GARY
That's for when I fancy a bit of Chad valley.

[He plucks it out of Craig's grasp and stuffs it back in the packet.]

GARY
Don't wanna take no chances there. One split and you're in the shit.

CRAIG
I don't know how your old woman puts up with you. You're a proper dirt box.

[Camera pans over the CROWD and rests on the pub door. The door opens and a YOUTH dressed in Adidas trousers and a matching top enters the pub.

Craig stands up and follows the youth over to a door with a sign saying 'GENTS' above it]

CUT TO.

INT. PUB - TOILETS.

[The youth stands at the urinals with his back to the door. Craig joins him and unzips his fly.]

CRAIG
You done a good job. I'm pleased with ya.

[He pulls an A5 manila envelope from the inside pocket of his jacket and hands it over.]

CRAIG
There's five big ones in there, plus a little bonus on top.

[The youth takes it and stuffs it inside his jacket.]

YOUTH
Nice one, mate. Cheers for that.

[Craig tugs at his zipper and walks over to the sink. He speaks to the youth through the mirror as he washes his hands.]

CRAIG
I might be able to put a bit more work your way. I'll give you bell.

[He dries his hands on a paper towel and tosses it in the basket.]

CRAIG
Oh, and by the way. I ain't yer fucking mate. You got that? You need to be out of short trousers before you even consider me as an acquaintance.

INT. PUB - BAR

[Craig strolls back over to his mates and sits down.]

SIMON
Everything all right?

CRAIG
Sweet as a nut.

[Peter drains the rest of his beer and stands up.]

PETER
Same again for everyone?

CRAIG
Not for me. I'm chipping.

CHALKY
You're not coming to the club?

CRAIG
Nah, I better not. I gotta go home and appease her, ain't I? I've been out-and-about all day. She'll have my balls on platter if I stay out half the night as well.

CUT


EXT. RUNDOWN COUNCIL ESTATE - NIGHT.

Tall blocks of flats form a perimeter around an estate of houses in the centre. With his hands deep in his pockets the YOUTH from earlier swaggers along the street with a jaunty air. As he approaches his house he sees a MAN dressed in a dark jacket and jeans standing in MICK and DEBBIE's front garden. The youth stops in the street crossing his arms protectively over the envelope under his jacket.

Camera focuses on the man's hand. A baseball bat slips down from under his sleeve. He raises it high in the air and brings it crashing down on the windscreen of the car on the drive.

The youth dives behind a transit van parked in the street and watches his neighbour Mick run out of the house.

MICK
What the fuck you doing?

MAN
Where's my money?

MICK
I told ya, I'm doing my best to scrape it together.

MAN
You said that last week and the week before. And every time you lie your debt gets bigger like Pinocchio's nose.

He walks round the car and does the same to the back window.

A young girl (20's) with dark straight hair appears in the open doorway holding a screaming toddler.

MICK
Get inside, Debs.

DEBBIE
(To the man)
Look what you've done? He's a taxi driver. You've taken away his livelihood.

MAN
Not my problem. Don't smoke the Hash if you ain't got the cash. Next week feller or the windows of your house get it. I might even take a pop at your misses if I fancy it. Knock a few quid off yer bill.

He tucks the bat up his sleeve and saunters off. Mick puts his hand on Debbie's back and ushers her indoors. The youth steps out from behind the van.

YOUTH
Mick

The man and girl turn round.

YOUTH
What was all that about? You got yourself in a spot of bother?

MICK
Nothing I can't handle.

YOUTH
Didn't look like you were handling it from where I was standing. How much you owe him?

MICK
You don't ask questions like that, Jay-Jay, but put it this way, it's a lot more than it started out.

[The youth- who we now know as Jay-Jay, strolls up the path and hands Mick a wad of notes.]

JAY-JAY
Here's a couple of hundred sobs. Get yer windows done. You can't afford to be off the road.

DEBBIE
Oh my God, Jay-Jay. You're a star. We'll pay you back, I promise.

JAY-JAY
Don't worry about it, you're me next door neighbours. There's plenty more where that came from.

[He swaggers off and fishes out the key to his front door. A black and white staff bounds up to him as the door opens, and licks his hand.]

JAY-JAY
All right, Jukey-boy. What you been up to?

[The dog follows him through to the lounge, a neat and tidy room with cheap furnishings. His mum, a woman in her 40's dressed in jeans and a plain jumper, turns in her wheelchair.]

MUM
Hello, Son. I wasn't expecting you home so early.

JAY-JAY
Why, you got a hot date lined up.

[She laughs as he plants a kiss on her cheek.]

MUM
I wish. So, what do we owe this honour? None of your mates wanna come out to play?

JAY-JAY
Shut-up, Ma, I fancied an early night. I'm shattered. I stopped off at Morrison's on the way home. Put a deposit on one them new wide screen TV's you've been on about.

MUM
What, Billy Morrison?

JAY-JAY
Well, I ain't talking about Morrison's supermarket, am I?

MUM
You be careful dealing with him. You know he's got a dodgy reputation around here.

JAY-JAY
It's all right. Don't worry. Her at number five had a TV off him last week and she ain't had no come back. I ordered you the next size up, so you can make the neighbours jealous when you invite them round to watch your soap operas.

MUM
Where you getting the money from? Have you been you been up to no good?

JAY-JAY
Course not. I been working, ain't I.

[Screaming and shouting comes through the walls next door along with the muffled sound of a baby crying.]

MUM
Did you hear what happened to them just now?

JAY-JAY
I saw it. I give em a few quid to get the car fixed up.

MUM
You're a good lad, Jay. I can't help worrying about you, though.

JAY-JAY
Well don't.

[He walks over and gives her a goodnight kiss.]

JAY-JAY
I've got a steady job now. I can take care of us properly.

FADE OUT


PART TWO TO FOLLOW






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Comments by other Members



AnneC at 20:48 on 10 March 2011  Report this post
Hi Sarah
Screenplay is not something I have ever critiqued but I will give it a go!

There is some good, solid writing in this - natural sounding dialogue and character interactions, but there are some places where the dialogue slips and author shows steps in front of character if that makes sense. I think these tend to be the places where you need to get a point across and prioritise that over maintaining the speech-style of the character. The bits I am talking about read almost as exposition, rather than natural speech:

Nah! I make sure I carry plenty of protection.

Sounds a bit like one of those adverts for safe sex - I think it needs to be a bit more colloquial, or perhaps he could just pull them out and wave them around without comment.

before you even consider me as an acquaintance.

A bit of a jump from colloquial speech to quite formal speech.

You've taken away his livelihood.

Again, a bit formal - you need the audience to know this more than the woman needs the repo man to hear it and I think it shows.

you're me next door neighbours.

Again, this is something you need the audience to know, but doesn't feel quite natural in the conversation.

Those are the only bits that jumped out at me out of some otherwise smooth dialogue.

The only other observations I have are:

tits - too many repetitions, I think. Can you use another slang term? Knockers? Funbags? [resists urge to start IC game of 'name the tit'!]

CHALKY
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a nosey woman with a big gob.

CRAIG
You and me both, mate. She's lucky she didn't get a slap.

[He holds his thumb and forefinger a centimetre apart.]

CRAIG
She came this close to it, I tell ya.

GARY
(Grinning)
If she had the tits to match her gob, I reckon I could make an exception.


I am not sure this piece of dialogue entirely makes sense. What is Gary making an exception to? It is Chalky who doesn't like gobby women. Also, Craig's comments seem to break in to another conversation.

Hope those aren't too picky - I think this is a pretty promising start and I will be interested to read more.

Anne




firethorne at 08:28 on 11 March 2011  Report this post

Will get to this on Sunday (and other work in the queue.)

Not sure the title is enough to capture a TV? film producers attention.

Was thinking something like Gilt- gold plate, guilt ( phonetic), gilt as in currency etc.



Kali at 12:03 on 13 March 2011  Report this post
Okay... I've been havign trouble posting. Keep clicking "submit content" and nothing happens. Let me try this one more time and hope it works...

-

Hi Sarah,

I like this. I used to be a script reader, but it was so many years ago now (about 17 or so) that I'll resist acting like I actually know what I am talking about -- just say that I found it all very credible and the drama is well established and keeps building, which is good. Things are paced well from scene to scene.

The only technical quibble I had (and it is a quibble) is I don't think you need to hold off on naming Jay-Jay until he's called by his name. I don't see the need to keep him as an unnamed youth and then name him later -- as a script isn't read by an audience, but is more instructions for the actors/filmmakers there's no dramatic or other benefit to holding back his name from the reader until it's spoke aloud. So this:

The door opens and a YOUTH dressed in Adidas trousers and a matching top enters the pub.


could easily just be this

The door opens and a youth, JAY-JAY, dressed in Adidas trousers and a matching top enters the pub.


avoiding this later on

The youth- who we now know as Jay-Jay...


The shifting of Craig's vocabulary didn't bother me so much. I don't know much about contemporary UK slang (as I grew up in the USA many decades ago), but I remember guys who were hustling back in the day who thought it was clever to slip out of slang and throw in the odd fancy "SAT word" as they used to say. They thought it made them seem slick and a bit foreboding... so the 'acquaintance' line didn't jar for me. But it would be good to know if Craig slips those words in easily, slickly? or clumsily, with effort? That would tell us something about his character and background, I'd think.

But a couple of other lines did jar a bit -- such as the 'we are neighbours' (we'll see that when he walks in his door); Gary's "If it moves I'll shag it" seemed more than we need, since the other guys already say it and react to other comments about his ways; and I agree with Anne about the condom lines -- if we see him with them and hear comments about why he has such a variety, I don't think he needs to say the 'plenty of protection' line.

And the only last thing I thought was that MUM's lines could be more economical:

"Where you getting the money from? Have you been you been up to no good?" -- & "You be careful dealing with him. You know he's got a dodgy reputation around here." -- we don't need the second sentences, as the context, her visible/physical air of conern, and the first sentences alone convey it all very clearly.

Again, overall, I liked this and would like to read more!

-- Steph

<Added>

Oh, and a short thought on the title. When I first read it, I thought that you didn't need the entire phrase. It's a very well known phrase, "all that glitters is not gold" -- and I thought it would be more dramatic and catchy to cut it off at "All That Glitters" rather than carry it all out. But that could be more a personal preference, I know.

firethorne at 20:57 on 18 March 2011  Report this post

Okay I've never read a script before, so do a few steps back and take from this whatever is useful.


All in agreement, the title needs some thinking about because it's the first thing the script reader will see.

Onto the work itself:

Firstly , reading Anne and Kali's comments I think they have more or less pinpointed a few lines that stand out. As they have implied, most of this reads very well. However you are creating characters and a setting where you need coherence , and if something stands out for WW readers, it will to the script readers as well. These are minor bugs and can be easily sorted because the rest of it reads pretty solid. I want to develop this later but I'd like to suggest another angle to come at Anne's critique of the dialogue, where Criag is in pub.

I've actually spent time in pubs with guys this when I was younger. Interesting thing happens. You get the alpha- like Craig. If you run into an 'mate' of Craig, one of the first things he'll tell you is he's a mate of Craig. Then he'll go on to say how hard Craig is - hard mates in this kind of place are like when the very middle, middle class play how much my house is worth, or what my daughter is doing at which university.
( as you observe ,'Craigs' don't actually have many mates but a lot of people ascribing that title to themselves when out of earshot.)

The second interesting thing is, some Craigs have a gift, more of an ability. They can talk complete and utter bullshit and their troupe will take it all in. They'll start talking like Craig and will repeat what he says and copy his mannerisms all over the place. When Craig is talking it's always about subjects that interest him. Craigs will often repeat lines out of songs, films , sports commentary and commercials, they become buzz words. They mix up - give you an example : years back one guy used to say " I could do with a D"- that was a line from a Tetley Tea commercial - but it had various meanings depending on the context in which they were said - A "DD" was a stupid person, or a woman with large breasts etc.


Interrupt Craig and the whole troupe goes red-flushed faced with, I'm still not sure if it's embarrassment or anger. It's a world where Craig's mates live in fear of other people like Craig, whose own 'mates' also go around projecting the big picture of their alpha - like "he dropped this guy in the toilet and left his calling card in his crack" - and so it goes , around. From this angle I would consider the protection and condom part could be vailid in this context.


If we ever presented a totally faithful picture of everyday life , and language of these kind of characters I'm not sure how readable it would be. Petty gang and interconnected life is banal , boring and even in it's own context meaningless ,in a nihilistic way, as so often is the conversation.

I think you are doing the right thing here, but I do agree with most of the other criticism that only a small part of this stands out the and rest seems to fit the convention we expect in a hard, gritty gangsta film or TV series and it does 'feel' quite realistic in places.

Hope that is of use to you.

Andy










<Added>

I have just realised,, Craig has got me talking about Craig. What Craig is and does isn't the main potential interest in your script . The real interest is in Emma and how she responds when she finds out , and that I'm genuinely looking forward to reading. To get me on the hook does she need a little more development ?
That's a question not a suggestion.




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