If I had known by Katy Kat - WriteWords.org.uk

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If I had known

by Katy Kat

Posted: 27 February 2011
Word Count: 63
Summary: Too late for the challenge but I thought I would share it anyway...

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If I had known
this day would come
I would have walked away

I would have chosen
not to know
the joy of you

But we shared secrets
in the dark
and whispered
of forbidden pleasures

and we unlocked the gates
that led to
fragrant gardens

I thought I knew
that you would stay

If I had known
I would have
walked away

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Comments by other Members

Desormais at 17:33 on 27 February 2011 Report this post

I liked this a lot Katy, there's a beautiful wistful voice in there. Very well done.
Sandra

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Katy Kat at 19:06 on 27 February 2011 Report this post

Thanks for reading and your kind comment Sandra. Best wishes
kate

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V`yonne at 21:37 on 27 February 2011 Report this post

I like it. It has been said before but nonetheless... I have a few suggestions if I may

I would have chosen
not to know
the joy of you

joy is stronger if singular

But we shared secrets
in the dark
and whispered

I would leave out

of forbidden pleasures

becuase it verges on cliche but anyway whispered says it all

and we unlocked the gates
that led to
fragrant gardens

Now that bit really does cliche a bit
we unlocked

hope/a lie/ a dream/ a future/ a fantasy... Think of something unusual but metaphoricl

I like the ending. Nice work. Flash poetry is hard!!!

Read the WriteWords interview with Oonah Joslin (V`yonne)

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Katy Kat at 02:39 on 28 February 2011 Report this post

Thanks for reading Oonah and your helpful comments. I understand what you are saying but can't quite find the way to incorporate the changes whilst staying with what I wanted to convey. I shall have a rethink certainly.

Best wishes
kate

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tusker at 06:55 on 28 February 2011 Report this post

A lovely poem, Kate.

Jennifer

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Nella at 15:49 on 28 February 2011 Report this post

Enjoyed! Thanks for posting, Kate.
Robin

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Katy Kat at 21:14 on 03 March 2011 Report this post

Thank you Jennifer and Robin.
kate

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