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Hierarchy . Chapter 2

by firethorne 

Posted: 23 February 2011
Word Count: 2027
Summary: This is, like, totally outrageous, and I almost regret writing it. No one would be mad enough to publish , but it's the only way I could develop the universal perspective from which to tell the rest of the story. Don't sue me . And trust me, all racist thugs and despot dictators and every other thing hiding under a rock and plotting against their fellow man will be dealt with accordingly, later on. This is how things are round here, sometimes.


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Content Warning
This piece and/or subsequent comments may contain strong language.


"Hope you guess my name."

September 9th 2001

Emma Dickinson stood beside the conference table with her arms folded and waited for Nikoli's attendants to close the double doors as they left the room. She ran her hands over the top of her forearms . She felt the chill even standing here, in the only patch of sunlight streaming in through the office windows.

Emma hadn’t met face to face with Nikoli in over year. She could see in last twelve months he’d had lost half his regular weight. Two tubes ran up through his nostrils and the hiss of oxygen came from the regulator attached to the cylinder under his wheelchair . Most of Nikoli’s hair had fallen out leaving a downy fuzz , fine as a newborn’s crown .

Suckling on his steel cylinder Nikoli had turned into the obscene reverse of a healthy, blossoming infant . Maybe it was his fucking Karma raking through him , she thought ,even Nikoli couldn’t escape karma. The skin on his hands was translucent like white paper, and they shook. Despite his frailty Emma shuddered as his eyes moved onto her like a predator’’s stepping out of the shadows.

When doors shut, and they were alone, he gestured for her to sit down on the opposite side of the table. Laid out in front of her were architectural drawings . Emma glanced down at them and sat back in her chair . She tilted her head to one side and composed herself . Nikoli was like an upright corpse, only the faint trembling of his body and rise and fall of his chest indicated he was alive. She knew he was screwing with her and she wasn’t going to wait around for him give her permission to speak.

"Nikoli I'm here to covey to you , your brother's given final clearance for the operation and I’m to let you know every thing's rolling smoothly. Zealot has been field tested and it a sucess. We have four flight teams programmed and ready to go .

His eyes became alive and full of interest. "When?"

"September 11 ."

"That soon huh." -Nikoli grinned coldly.

"Sir, you brother respects your patience in this matter it wasn’t his intention to prolong your wait. Right now he needs you to clarify that you understand exactly what this involves . So please, if I'm stating the obvious, stay with me for the next couple of minutes. As you know this is a demolition job . The aircraft will just be for show..."

Nikoli sighed ."I think I'm aware of that Emma , thank you." He rasped.

Emma pointed to the internal steelworks detailed on the architectural plans. "The charges are already in place, Floors 91- 95, that's between here and here..."

"Who ?"

"Artur "

Nikoli nodded his approval. “Artur is a very fine artist. Send him my regards wontcha.”

“ That is noted, and I will . “

Nikoli nodded for Emma to continue. “At approximately 8.45, September 11, the first Boeing 767 Impacts into floors 90-95 of North face of Tower One . Its airspeed will be around five hundred mph. On impact the charges will automatically detonate .”

Emma scanned his face for signs of a response. Nikoli slowly blinked, and she continued.“ You will be positioned here, Floor 80 , The South Face,Tower Number Two . As requested you’ll get the fullest experience of the event and the best possible views will be from here. We've taken the internal walls out of your office run so you can get the full panoramic effect, and it is of course out of bounds to the public."

Nikoli nodded , this time a little more enthusiastically.

“So , we move on. Approximately 9.00 the second 767 impacts here, erm into floor Eighty of The South Tower . We were wondering, do you want it any later than that , is that enough time for you to take it all in?”

“No around nine o clock will be just fine”. He smiled faintly to himself and seemed to be visualizing the forthcoming event.

“Okay, onto terms and conditions. I’ll be brief.”

“One: In our initial negotiations we agreed we don’t take your President out. He keeps to the plan and we’ll maintain him in office after your passing, that is until a time when his removal becomes expedient. Hey, Nikoli we’ve arranged for him to be playing Sesame Street with a bunch of elementary school kids up in Vermont . Your brother thought the contrast would work fine on TV . Do like that ?”

“Nice touch. Point One agreed. Say what about the poodle?

“Relax, the poodle’s on its lead. Ok , Two...”

Nikoli raised his hand again to stop her and he feigned a hurt, pained expression . “Now, you’re not going to tell me the price has gone up since we last spoke are you?”

“No. The price remains exactly as it was .”

“ So, what’s the rider in this, there’s always a last minute rider at this stage . You wouldn’t be here otherwise Emma .”

O.k Two (A). It’s not such a big thing. Before I leave this room you are to be fully forthcoming and give accurate information as the whereabouts of Sophie Jackson.

Nikoli shook his head, and chuckled .

Emma didn’t rise to it and kept her voice calm and steady . “Nikoli here's’ the deal- we’ve been working on this for over a year . You tell me where I can find Sophie and I will personally ensure those damn buildings come down on schedule, to the minute, in two days time .”

Nikoli flinched away from her and held his lips tightly together.

Emma pushed again “But before I can finalize any of this , I need to know that where she is, now.”

“And if I don’t tell you?”

“Your brother cancels the whole operation, and we’re all back to square one.”

Nikoli shrugged.

“ Please, You know were laying on The Four Horsemen in downtown New York for you, and I don’t feel we’re asking for much in return.”

“You are Emma,” he sighed . Nikoli's eyes deadlocked with hers.

She didn’t blink .” I promise you I’ll keep her and the boys safe.”

“Personally?”

“Personally.”

He scanned her face and after a few seconds he nodded. Slowly , he reached for a notepad . Emma watched as he wrote a name and address on it. He folded the paper and placed it on the side of the table . Without looking at her again he pressed the buzzer for the door to be unlocked and gestured with his hand for her to get up an leave.

As she made to exit the room Emma leaned forward to pick up the note and carefully placed it in her inside jacket pocket , buttoning it up tightly so it was secure.

Still leaning over the desk she lunged forward and clasped her hands either the side Nikoli's face. He tried to pull his head back but it stopped against the rest of his chair. His eyes opened wide when Emma kissed him full on the lips .A groan bubbled up from down in base of his throat. Kissing Nikoli was like a plunge into cold, dark water. Emma imagined her youth, her living warmth flowing into him , then like a wave retracting, the sensation dissolving as she broke away , hopefully leaving him with even less than he had possessed before.

Emma pushed herself back off the desk and wiped the bitter taste of the pharmaceutical cocktail from her mouth then she stalked out of the open doors.

“Good-bye Nikoli.” She called over her shoulder.

On the way down in the private lift Emma wiped her lips again and spat the taste of him onto the carpet . She’d managed to take something from the bastard before he went out.




September 11 2001.


Nikoli’s staff had evacuated Floor 80 and he was pulled up in his chair, alone and against the window. Frankly he was being astounded by the scale and quality of the Artur's artwork . The first impact had been spectacular. Tower One was a smoldering bonfire of concrete and steel ready to erupt into full flame,

Nikoli took a long drag on his cigarette and mouthed “ Glory , glory halleluja” in a croaky mumble and clouds of grey-blue smoke. Before he reached the end of the hymn, the nose cone of the 767 glinted as it came barrelling through the blue skies towards him .

Nikoli grinned. He and his brother had always argued over the Twin Towers like they were a woman , and in forcing him do this, Nikoli knew he was hurting, and gonna hurt his brother, real bad .

“ Sophie”



Date: Sheffield . UK . Sometime Now .

Someone was hammering on a door as they came over the top of the landing steps. Jax Jordan felt Jennah’s arm slip through his .

“Eyes down. Keep walking. Head for mine ” she said.

Derek Deakin and two of his lads were on the landing . It was Thursday, Debt Day and he was out collecting .

Deakin was standing outside Jax’s mum’s flat . He had his hands in the pockets of a long green Barbour Jacket. His two sons were light versions of himself . Close cropped hair and like all the Deakins they scowled at the world , brows furrowed, eyes set harder than pebbles in concrete. Hislads sat on landing railing, backsides hanging over the edge. They were bouncing a pink rubber ball they'd taken from a pile of plastic toys quickly abandoned outside the flats due to their arrival.

Jax knew who the Deakin’s were. They didn’t know him. Jax didn't borrow money.

Jennah held onto Jax’s arm and kept him moving towards them .

Deakin's fat shaven head swivelled on his thick neck, then his body followed until he was facing them .

“Oi you , you cunt, where do you live?”

Jax breathed a sigh of relief that Deakin didn’t know him and carried on walking. Jax and Jennah made for the door to her parents flat .

“I asked you a question ”

“We live here.” Jax lied , as Jennah put her keys in the lock . “What’s the matter?”

“You know the woman what lives next door , Sharon Jordan?.”

Jax shook his head ” Nah we only moved in four months ago, seen her a few times. Dunt say much. What’s up ?”

Deakin produced a white envelope and shoved it through Jax's mum’s letter box.

“Nothing’s up with me kid, if you see her you tell her we called, yeh”

Deakin kept his hands in his pockets and strode three doors down the landing. His two lads hopped off the wall. One carried length of TV pole and scraped the end along behind him as he walked. He glared at Jennah “What you looking at you fuckin' Paki? . The other gobbed on Jax’s mum’s door as they went past .

Before Jax could think, Jennah had bundled him in through the door , slammed it behind her behind her and grabbed hold of Jax, pinning him by the arms against the wall . Slowly she released her grip and drew him into a brief hug and pulled away .

“Don’t react . We’ll go around to your mum’s when they’ve gone. She’ll be Ok “

Jax shook his head.

She searched his face and smiled

“There’s a lot worse things I’ve been called , but thank you for wanting to stand up for me,”

“Jax?” Jenna leaned in and pressed her forehead against his.

“Um hum?”

“Don’t tell my mum or dad about any of this , at least not tonight , please.”

Jax thought it through . Jennah was right, Artur and Emma were quiet, family types, and they hadn't lived on an estate before . They wouldn't understand Deakin was just another random knobhead to avoid . The Council should never have put Jennah's family in North Park.







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Comments by other Members



GaiusCoffey at 22:55 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
(Hi, Tagging this for notifications. G)

LorraineC at 11:02 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Andrew,
I¡¦ve just noticed that we have a sudden explosion of Andrew¡¦s on here now. You, Manusha and Bates. Strange but true.

Anyway, I¡¦ve looked at this and haven¡¦t let the speech marks issue put me off and have a few comments to make. The subject is obviously very emotive but I see you¡¦ve tried to isolate your piece from that day somewhat i.e. by telling if from a single perspective and without involving any details or graphic descriptions.

The piece did captivate my interest. And I liked both your characterisation and the development of the three scenes. I think most of the problems here are those associated with doing this as a first draft. Simple grammar mistakes ¡V missing conjunctions, the occasional spelling error etc .

The content of the three scenes is good. I do, however, have problems with Nikoli. Some of the language he uses seems a bit out of place for me in terms of his character. Wontcha & Gonna specifically. What is his background? I assume he¡¦s Russian, maybe mafia. Most of the time he sounds well educated and then we get this lazy language from him. It doesn¡¦t quite work for me.

I liked Emma and the bit where in contempt she kisses him. And then spits the taste of him out onto the lift carpet. I could visualise this. Very effective.

And I¡¦m intrigued to see what happens with Jax and Jennah. I would read on to see how the story develops.

I¡¦ve picked out some specific points as follows:

Suckling on his steel cyclinder
- I know you¡¦re trying to create imagery here, but he¡¦d have to contort his body to suckle on his steel cyclinder. It¡¦s sitting under his chair.

Fail
¡V I think you mean frail.

Translucent like white paper
¡V is it? maybe tracing paper is but not white paper.

Emma felt his eyes moving onto her
¡V
Not sure about his eyes moving onto her, maybe over her or find some other way of putting it.

When doors were shut
- missing the

For him give her permission
¡V missing to

Nikoli nodded his approval. ¡§Artur is a very fine artist. Send him my regards wontcha.¡¨
- I can¡¦t imagine an old, infirm, decrepid Russian saying ¡§wontcha¡¨. It seems out of place.

¡§That is noted, and I will .¡¨
- I don¡¦t like this. It seems too off-hand but I can see that Emma has history with him so it¡¦s not that it¡¦s inappropriate. I just don¡¦t like it. I would just say ¡§Sure.¡¨ or something simple.

contrast would work fine on TV . Do like that ?¡¨
- missing you

¡§But before I can finalize any of this I need to know that where she is, now.¡¨
- first of all, finalize or finalise? And secondly, this doesn¡¦t make sense when I read it. I think you just need to take ¡¨that¡¨ out.

Nikoli¡¦s staff had evacuated Floor 80 and he was pulled up in his chair, alone and against the window. Frankly he was being astounded
- the bits I¡¦ve underlined don¡¦t work well/read right. Maybe try this ¡V Nikoli¡¦s staff had long evacuated Floor 80. They¡¦d pulled his chair up against the window. Frankly he was astounded by ¡K

in forcing him do this, Nikoli knew he was hurting, and gonna hurt his brother,
- how was he hurting and then gonna hurt his brother? I think it¡¦s either one of the other. Also I think gonna again jars with Nikoli¡¦s character.

He kept his hands in his pockets of a long green Barbour Jacket.
¡V this doesn¡¦t quite read right. Maybe ¡KHe kept his hands in the pockets of his Barbour Jacket.

slammed it behind her behind her
- you¡¦ve got two of these

¡§There¡¦s a lot worse things I¡¦ve been called , but thank you for wanting to stand up for me.¡¨
- I feel like I¡¦ve missed something. What did he do or say to stand up for her?

Hope this helps.

Lorraine ļ


LorraineC at 11:04 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Now something's gone wrong with the symbols on my comments! Arggh! I think it's because I wrote in word and pasted it in here. Hope you can read it. Lorraine

GaiusCoffey at 11:18 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Lorraine,
I was trying to work out how you were getting those to appear, I think I have it now:

You should be doing something like this:
[ quote]Quotation box [ /quote]


But are instead doing something like this:
[ quote][ /quote]Quotation box [ quote][ /quote]


Hope this helps!
G

GaiusCoffey at 11:22 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Oo. And as for the "¡¦", this sounds like a character-set gremlin for admin@writewords to look at - I'll email him now.
G

firethorne at 13:52 on 26 February 2011  Report this post

Thanks Lorraine I'm in them middle of plastering the kitchen and I'm having a break, so I haven't got much time.

Don't worry about gremlins , I can read around them. What you've written makes perfect sense .

Don't write it all out again. - I had to figure out how to get rid of black diamonds with ? in the middle.



Will work on editing this later.

Thanks again.

Andrew


Bates at 00:05 on 28 February 2011  Report this post

Hello Andrew
Your introduction of chapter two of Hierarchy reminded me of the opening of Tomas, the book by James Palumbo, the guy who founded the nightclub Ministry of Sound and made himself a fortune. He opens with a warning about the contents: toxic, bad taste; his intention is to give a new perspective on the world. What follows is a drug fuelled surrealist romp through a world corrupted by the greed and lust of oligarchs, politicians and bankers. A very moral book in many ways, but for me, it did feel as if I was being given a not-so-well-disguised lecture on the evils of global capitalism.
It looks like you are using action adventure fiction to make some wider political/social points… Unclear at this stage what these might be. After reading chapter two, I felt I had to read your first chapter to try and get an idea of where you might be going. It looks like you trying to use the particular (the conflict in the Middle East, the Palestinian Israeli one, not the latest) to make a wider comment on the corrupt global interplay of politics and money. What reads as a straight forward action-adventure story, takes on new significance when you make 9/11 central to your plot.
From these two chapters, I can only guess at the direction you want to take the reader. It appears from the text you present here, you are suggesting a conspiracy theory, one initiated by Russian oligarchs. (I speculate they intend to draw the West into a financially crippling war in Afghanistan, where they will face defeat, as did the forces of the former Soviet Union.) I’m probably completely wrong, but these are the thought process your story has set in motion.)
If you use 9/11 as a centre piece to a work of fiction, I think you need to be clear about what you are trying to say, and what your motives are. Shock can be a great tool for shifting complacency; but to shock simply to offend is something else again.
First, a few comments on chapter one: It reads like a first draft which is okay: this is a forum in which to experiment. This opening felt vivid, real and immediate. . It set a direction for chapter two.
You begin well:
“Emma Dickinson stood beside the conference table with her arms folded and waited for Nikoli's attendants to close the double doors as they left the room. She ran her hands over the top of her forearms . She felt the chill even standing here, in the only patch of sunlight streaming in through the office windows.

Emma hadn’t met face to face with Nikoli in over year. She could see in last twelve months he’d had lost half his regular weight. Two tubes ran up through his nostrils and the hiss of oxygen came from the regulator attached to the cylinder under his wheelchair . Most of Nikoli’s hair had fallen out leaving a downy fuzz , fine as a newborn’s crown .”

I get a sense of who Emma is, where she is and how she feels about the man she is visiting. It’s clear, concise prose that reads effortlessly.
The next paragraph is, in my opinion, overwritten and unnecessary. The writing draws attention to itself, and portrays Nikoli as the clichéd villain of popular fiction (crippled, probably dying, hugely bitter, and trying for world domination/destruction).
For me, this really doesn’t work:
“Suckling on his steel cylinder Nikoli had turned into the obscene reverse of a healthy, blossoming infant . Maybe it was his fucking Karma raking through him , she thought ,even Nikoli couldn’t escape karma. The skin on his hands was translucent like white paper, and they shook. Despite his frailty Emma shuddered as his eyes moved onto her like a predator’’s stepping out of the shadows.”

The formal tone Emma uses to address Nikoli establishes their relationship well. But I do think it could be tightened up, made terser.
Your brother has given clearance for the operation and everything’s ready to go… Zealot has been successfully tested and is ready to go…
Rather than:

"Nikoli I'm here to covey to you , your brother's given final clearance for the operation and I’m to let you know every thing's rolling smoothly. Zealot has been field tested and it a sucess. We have four flight teams programmed and ready to go…”
I think you could move “Sir” to the start of the dialogue. It establishes boss-underling relationship right away.
A word on the plot: the address of Sophie Jackson… Emma accepts the slip of paper with the address, assumes it to be her true address and rewards Nikoli with a kiss. She clearly does not like or trust the man, yet she accepts what he has given her without question. No suggestion that he might be double crossing her.
The kiss seems to come out of nowhere; she doesn’t need to reward him – she has got what she wants, or so she believes. I can only assume it is a Judas kiss, her betrayal of Nikoli to come later. (Again, I am speculating).
Jax and Jennah is Sheffield.
There seemed to be a lack of context here. I wanted to visualise physically exactly where Jax and Jennah were in the flats, where the Deakin’s were (inside or outside the building, it isn’t clear.) Also, what are Jax and ~Jennah’s relationship to Sharon Jordan? In the final line the reader learns who Artur is. (I had to read the final couple of pages a few times to keep track of the characters.)
Finally you do need to watch your grammar and punctuation. I do understand that in the early (creative) stages of writing, this should be the last thing on your mind.
This looks like the start of a very ambitious project. I wish you well.
Regards
Andy Peake


AnneC at 20:22 on 28 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Andy

Once again, I am following others who have given very detailed critique so I only have a few comments.

This is an interesting chapter about a subject that is almost a cliche (the conspiracy theories surrounding September 11th) but you deal with it in a fresh and non cliched way and I think a lot of that is about the interplay between Emma and Nikoli I wonder if you could develop this a little more?

I am a little confused about who Nikoli is - some comments "your president" suggest that he is American, whereas the name suggests Russian or similar.

I agree with most of Lorraine's specific picks - but the line about hurting his brother, I interpret differently. He is thinking that he is hurting his brother now and will continue to do so - I think this could be re-worked to be clearer.

I like the handling of the Jennah piece - there is a good sense of being on the inside and in the know which works well.

Interested to read more!

Anne

SillySado at 21:59 on 03 March 2011  Report this post
Like Anne I don't have too too much to add to the other comments, I think the Emma/Nikoli relationship is very promising, I hope there will be many leaps back in time to see how they have got to where they are... Particularly the kiss, I didn't get it but I liked it and makes me very curious.

One comment: I'm not sure about the alliteration in the names: Jax Jordan and then
Derek Deakin a couple of lines later. The names are very unnatural to me. So much so that when I came across "Debt Day" a couple of words later I had to reread to see if it was another character!

Dixie


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