Katy Kat at 11:28 on 22 February 2011
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A dark and disturbing tale very well written! Great Flash David!
Best wishes
kate
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Bunbry at 12:43 on 22 February 2011
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Ring Esther Ransen! Seriously though, you've done really well here Dave, got the prompts in seemlessly.
Two minor points. I thought 'Rowan' was a girl at first as it's one of those names, and you have an unnecessary question mark on line 7.
Nick
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OklyDokly at 13:11 on 22 February 2011
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Hmm, I didn't think about using the fruits as names and adjectives
I enjoyed this. Parts of this made me shiver inside. I can really get a sense of Jen's contempt for Rowan.
Some language niggles:
'Mum' and 'Dad' are uncapitalized in the story (taking this to be a stylistic choice), but 'Dad' is capitalized in the sentence:
Trouble is Rowan’s the apple of mum’s eye and since Dad left us, she thinks of him as the "man of the house”. |
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I'd hyphenate 'over-reacting'
Think term's end should have an apostrophe (not sure).
Also, can you think of a way to make the first two sentences more arresting? Something which would show the tension a little bit more from the start, so we know immediately she doesn't want to go home.
Perhaps making the backpack pink would immediately tell us it's a girl.
Other than these nitpicks, a strong piece
<Added>
Actually, just saw the word reluctantly in the first sentence. Ignore the bit about making the first two sentences more arresting...
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dharker at 13:20 on 22 February 2011
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Many thanks Kate, Nick and Chris. You guys really help me improve and I really appreciate it! Suggestions taken on board!
Dave
<Added>
Rowan is indeed one of those names... it's also one of my fruits! LOL!
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OklyDokly at 13:47 on 22 February 2011
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Hi Dave
Noticed your piece got taken out of the group. Had the same problem with mine, you might need to add it again if it wasn't intentional .
Chris
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tusker at 09:57 on 23 February 2011
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So sad, Dave.
Father like son. Mother hiding her head in the proverbial sand.
I like it that you've left her wondering what to do which makes me want to know what happens next.
A longer story and we'll find out, maybe?
Jennifer
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dharker at 11:32 on 23 February 2011
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Thanks Jennifer!
Abuse is such an emotive subject and it will never cease to amaze me how people will justify their way out of making the right decision. I have a friend who was regularly clobbered by her boyfriend but she always insisted he "loved" her??
I hadn't thought about it until you commented, but I think I might well work on Jen's dilemma... Thank You! )
Dave
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crowspark at 12:48 on 23 February 2011
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Hi David
Like the others, I enjoyed this and the clever way you used the prompt words.
Please use or lose any of the following as suits:
Tense - present tense is great for drama e.g. if you are dealing with an actual assault but I might put this in past tense.
Opener - rather than starting
The bell interrupts my thoughts
consider
The school bell clangs. Reluctantly I pack
The latter suggests that she is startled\fearful which is in keeping with the subject matter. The former is a little leisurely and can be read as "comfortable" which she clearly is not as we go on.
I agree that you need to clarify her gender early on.
A difficult subject handled well.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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dharker at 12:59 on 23 February 2011
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Thanks Bill!
Great suggestion for the opening - I'll pinch that if I may? I used the present tense because it led me to my closing line and her uncertainty as to what the future will bring? I'll try it as you suggest though - never one to turn down help! )
Dave
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V`yonne at 15:23 on 23 February 2011
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Yes I think that could be a starter for a longer piece. It's - uncomfortable and that's good that you captured that. Bil''s advice is sound too.
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Desormais at 16:15 on 23 February 2011
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It is very uncomfortable Dave and a very promising introduction to something longer. The prompts were very skilfully woven in, I didn't even notice one or two of them. Getting the gender of the narrator across using 'being a girl' doesn't sound right to me, a tad obvious. You could have used "wave goodbye to the other girls" which is not quite so blunt.
It's a chilling flash, with a lot of promise. Well done Dave.
Sandra
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dharker at 16:46 on 23 February 2011
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Excellent advice Sandra! Thank You!
Dave
<Added>
... and thanks Oonah! :o)
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dharker at 17:06 on 23 February 2011
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Waving goodbye to the other girls has made a huge difference! Thanks for pointing that out Sandra... and to everyone who suggested the earlier gender identification!
Dave
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Kayim at 21:29 on 23 February 2011
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I'm not sure that "liking" this is the right reaction, considering the subject matter, but it really is well written!
Kim
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Manusha at 22:21 on 23 February 2011
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Hi Dave,
You evoke strong emotions with this piece. Well written. ;
Andy
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choille at 17:10 on 26 February 2011
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Hi Dave it's very dark & sinister this one. Really read it with my hands over my eyes - so to speak. You got in all the prompts cleverly - which works - they don't stick out.
Really well done for such a pain of a challenge.
All the best
Caroline.
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Neezes at 08:49 on 27 February 2011
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Very dark, also very vivid and believable. Well done!
Jonathan
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