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Man Of The House

by dharker 

Posted: 22 February 2011
Word Count: 297


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The school bell rings. Reluctantly I pack my lucky green biro into the furry orange pencil case and drop them into my school bag. Picking up my bag, I wave goodbye to the other girls and begin the long walk home.

I'd wanted to confide some of my problems with Cherry my best mate, but I couldn’t tell her the whole story. She just wouldn’t understand. As it was all she could say was “Jen, he’s a boy and they’re just words. Ignore him!”

Trouble is Rowan’s the apple of Mum’s eye and since Dad left, she thinks of him as the "man of the house”. We’d all been victims of Dad’s abusive treatment, so why would he carry on where Dad had left off?

Sometimes it seems worse because Rowan thinks about it more than Dad ever did. Yesterday he’d touched me and when I pulled away he’d grabbed my blouse and punched me; in a place where he knew people wouldn’t see. The black and blue bruise and the plum sized lump on my ribs are still too tender to touch.

At sixteen he should be out with friends and enjoying himself – instead I catch him following me and watching me wherever I go. School has been my only refuge but now at term's end I face eight weeks with nowhere to hide. I tried talking to Mum about it when we were out shopping, but she got angry and said he’s just protecting us and that I’m over-reacting.

The abusive words and the physical violence I can take – it’s the lust in his eyes when he looks at my body that scares me, and where that could lead. I’m fourteen and adult enough to know; I just don’t know what to do…






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Comments by other Members



Katy Kat at 11:28 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
A dark and disturbing tale very well written! Great Flash David!

Best wishes
kate

Bunbry at 12:43 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
Ring Esther Ransen! Seriously though, you've done really well here Dave, got the prompts in seemlessly.

Two minor points. I thought 'Rowan' was a girl at first as it's one of those names, and you have an unnecessary question mark on line 7.

Nick

OklyDokly at 13:11 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
Hmm, I didn't think about using the fruits as names and adjectives

I enjoyed this. Parts of this made me shiver inside. I can really get a sense of Jen's contempt for Rowan.

Some language niggles:

'Mum' and 'Dad' are uncapitalized in the story (taking this to be a stylistic choice), but 'Dad' is capitalized in the sentence:

Trouble is Rowan’s the apple of mum’s eye and since Dad left us, she thinks of him as the "man of the house”.


I'd hyphenate 'over-reacting'

Think term's end should have an apostrophe (not sure).

Also, can you think of a way to make the first two sentences more arresting? Something which would show the tension a little bit more from the start, so we know immediately she doesn't want to go home.

Perhaps making the backpack pink would immediately tell us it's a girl.

Other than these nitpicks, a strong piece



<Added>

Actually, just saw the word reluctantly in the first sentence. Ignore the bit about making the first two sentences more arresting...

dharker at 13:20 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
Many thanks Kate, Nick and Chris. You guys really help me improve and I really appreciate it! Suggestions taken on board!

Dave

<Added>

Rowan is indeed one of those names... it's also one of my fruits! LOL!

OklyDokly at 13:47 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave

Noticed your piece got taken out of the group. Had the same problem with mine, you might need to add it again if it wasn't intentional .

Chris

dharker at 13:51 on 22 February 2011  Report this post
Should be back now Chris! Thanks!

tusker at 09:57 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
So sad, Dave.

Father like son. Mother hiding her head in the proverbial sand.

I like it that you've left her wondering what to do which makes me want to know what happens next.

A longer story and we'll find out, maybe?

Jennifer

dharker at 11:32 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Jennifer!
Abuse is such an emotive subject and it will never cease to amaze me how people will justify their way out of making the right decision. I have a friend who was regularly clobbered by her boyfriend but she always insisted he "loved" her??

I hadn't thought about it until you commented, but I think I might well work on Jen's dilemma... Thank You! )

Dave

crowspark at 12:48 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Hi David

Like the others, I enjoyed this and the clever way you used the prompt words.

Please use or lose any of the following as suits:

Tense - present tense is great for drama e.g. if you are dealing with an actual assault but I might put this in past tense.

Opener - rather than starting
The bell interrupts my thoughts
consider
The school bell clangs. Reluctantly I pack
The latter suggests that she is startled\fearful which is in keeping with the subject matter. The former is a little leisurely and can be read as "comfortable" which she clearly is not as we go on.

I agree that you need to clarify her gender early on.

A difficult subject handled well.

Thanks for the read.

Bill

dharker at 12:59 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Bill!
Great suggestion for the opening - I'll pinch that if I may? I used the present tense because it led me to my closing line and her uncertainty as to what the future will bring? I'll try it as you suggest though - never one to turn down help! )

Dave

V`yonne at 15:23 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Yes I think that could be a starter for a longer piece. It's - uncomfortable and that's good that you captured that. Bil''s advice is sound too.

Desormais at 16:15 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
It is very uncomfortable Dave and a very promising introduction to something longer. The prompts were very skilfully woven in, I didn't even notice one or two of them. Getting the gender of the narrator across using 'being a girl' doesn't sound right to me, a tad obvious. You could have used "wave goodbye to the other girls" which is not quite so blunt.

It's a chilling flash, with a lot of promise. Well done Dave.

Sandra

dharker at 16:46 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Excellent advice Sandra! Thank You!
Dave

<Added>

... and thanks Oonah! :o)

dharker at 17:06 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Waving goodbye to the other girls has made a huge difference! Thanks for pointing that out Sandra... and to everyone who suggested the earlier gender identification!
Dave

Kayim at 21:29 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
I'm not sure that "liking" this is the right reaction, considering the subject matter, but it really is well written!

Kim

dharker at 21:35 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Kim! ) It wasn't an easy piece to write...

Dave

Manusha at 22:21 on 23 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave,

You evoke strong emotions with this piece. Well written. ;

Andy

choille at 17:10 on 26 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave it's very dark & sinister this one. Really read it with my hands over my eyes - so to speak. You got in all the prompts cleverly - which works - they don't stick out.

Really well done for such a pain of a challenge.

All the best
Caroline.

Neezes at 08:49 on 27 February 2011  Report this post
Very dark, also very vivid and believable. Well done!
Jonathan


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