Desolation
Posted: 19 February 2011 Word Count: 216 Summary: My effort for the Barbed Wire Challenge
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Outwardly, Barbara knew, she still looked like the same person that she had been yesterday. No one, at a casual glance, could spot the difference.
Some small,detached part of her mind was pondering the incredible ability of the human creature to remain outwardly intact when within, the soul, imprisoned in skin and bones, was so very wounded.
Within, the 'real' Barbara, the one known only to herself, lay bleeding in a tangle of barbed wire. No one would hear her should she scream and no help would come should she cry out, for there was no help for her now.
Calmly considering the nature of barbed wire, Barbara decided it was probably best to keep perfectly still. As her body continued with the routine of the day she watched herself with interest as she smiled and conversed with colleagues, answered the phone, organised meetings, ordered in lunch for the boss...
Inside, she kept very still but she couldn't stop the words that played over and over in her head. The barbed words. He had used so many of them - just to say goodbye.
As Barbara surveyed the bleak landscape of her world the barbs pierced her heart and she felt her lifeblood draining away. Outwardly, a single tear the only sign of her total desolation.
Comments by other Members
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OklyDokly at 09:26 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Kate
Just read this. Really enjoyed it. You don't quite tell us what Barbara is suffering from (I like the irony of the name), but we can sense her strong emotion. We also get the sense that she's an incredibly strong woman to be suffering so much inside, but only to show a single tear on the outside. I saw the contrast between the tear and the lifeblood draining away as well, as if the tear is a drop of blood from her heart.
A powerful piece with some strong themes in so few words. Well done on this.
Chris
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Cornelia at 09:31 on 19 February 2011
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Like Chris I would have liked a bit more detail but on second thoughts it may have weakened the impact. This was a very good portrait of the detached consciouness of someone on the point of a mental breakdown.
Sheila
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tusker at 10:07 on 19 February 2011
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'The barbed words. He had used so many of them - just to say goodbye.'
Love that line, Kate. It says so much about her hearbreak. A strong woman, she keeps it all in apart from that one tear. Well written flash on a very recent, shattered relationship, Kate.
Jennifer
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Katy Kat at 10:21 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Chris. Thank you for reading and your kind comments. I had hoped that I had said enough to point towards a broken relationship but maybe a few more details would have been useful.
Best wishes
kate
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Katy Kat at 10:24 on 19 February 2011
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HI Sheila. Thank you for reading and for your kind comments. Best wishes
kate
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Katy Kat at 10:26 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Jennifer. Yes I had tried to put the meaning of the story into just those few words.
I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for your welcome comments.
Best wishes
kate
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OklyDokly at 10:27 on 19 February 2011
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Actually Kat, I kind of liked the air of mystery to it. It made me wonder what it is that Barbara is suffering from. But that's not what's important to me about the story. To me it's more about the powerful emotions that strong experiences can elicit and how trapped we can feel within them.
Chris
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Bunbry at 10:31 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Kate, I 'got' that she had been dumped recently and was doing the stiff upper lip thing we all do. Another strong peice from you - well done!
Nick
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Katy Kat at 10:36 on 19 February 2011
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Thanks Chris and Nick. I appreciate your comments very much.
kate
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dharker at 10:52 on 19 February 2011
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What a strong, emotive piece Kate! I loved it! As Nick says we all try to put on the brave face while inside our emotions and thoughts tear us apart... Well done!
Dave
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Prospero at 12:18 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Kate
This is, like your MC, pared to the bone, but all the more effective for that. I have often said that Flash Fiction is the literary equivalent of Minimalism in Art and this is a perfect example of what I mean.
You should send this to Every Day Fiction it s is excellent.
My fifty pence is now on you to win the Challenge this week.
Best
John
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Katy Kat at 13:12 on 19 February 2011
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Thank you John! I appreciate your comments very much! I don't know what Every Day Fiction is though? Is it online?
Best wishes
kate
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Katy Kat at 17:32 on 19 February 2011
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Ah! but Oonah she loved him big time! I'm just an old fashioned romantic! Lol! Thank you for reading and your comments. I will check out the link. Best wishes
kate
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Cornelia at 19:24 on 19 February 2011
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the barbs pierced her heart and she felt her lifeblood draining away. Outwardly, a single tear the only sign of her total desolation. |
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I agree with Oonah that this is a well over-the-top reaction. But I think she is one of these drama queens who are always getting dumped. Probably reads too many bodice-rippers. She's whined so much to her colleagues in the past that they have told her to keep it buttoned.
I think it would read better if she either went completely berserk or got her revenge, and then it would be suitable for EDF. Sadly, I think she just going to continue in this like this until she collects her bus pass.
I'd tell her to get a grip and think herself lucky to have a job with a personality like that.
As you can see, I'm not an old-fashioned romantic
Sheila
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Manusha at 20:37 on 19 February 2011
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Hi Kate,
Nothing wrong with being an old fashioned romantic, we can always hope! (Sheila's comments did make me smile though.) ;
I didn't get the Barbara - barb thing until Chris 'pointed' it out. If that was intentional - great! If not - great!
considering the nature of barbed wire, Barbara decided it was probably best to keep perfectly still |
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Stupid me, but at this point I wondered if she was actually wrapped in barbed wire.
I thought the barbs, barbed wire, (Barbara?), was a little over-played, but otherwise really enjoyed the stark and minimilist approach to this. I think the mystery of not quite knowing what's happened (but guessing at it) really worked in this.
Regards, Andy
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Katy Kat at 11:58 on 20 February 2011
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Hahah! You and Oonah are probably right in everything you say Sheila but I stand by my right to be an old fashioned romantic drama queen. I come from a different time when the world was less cynical and love was forever. I also write 'over the top for the situation' poetry!
In the words of Willie Wonka -'We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams..'
Cheers for your comments Andy. Barbara was accidental actually but I was amused to see it was picked up on quickly! Lol! I have received a very mixed bag of reaction but reaction of any kind is more than welcome!
Best wishes Kate
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tractor at 15:35 on 20 February 2011
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Hi Kate,
enjoyed this piece of soul searching after s relationship breakdown. Good portrayal.
Cheers
Mark
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