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Hero?

by dharker 

Posted: 16 February 2011
Word Count: 496


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The girl looked at the medal pinned to his chest and smiled.
“Mais vous êtes un héros monsieur, I couldn’t possibly take your money! “
Corporal Bill Harman had paid nearly a month’s pay for the exquisite Lalique Angel figurine, a gift for his wife Edith back home. He had just offered to pay for the materials the lovely Parisian shop assistant had used to box the precious item for posting to Blighty.

“Me? A Hero? If only she knew how sullied I feel”.
His thoughts raced back to the trenches and to his unit in Ypres, to the battle and to the events that had led to his receiving the Military Medal. His mind insisted on replaying these unwanted memories at unexpected times, and in a level of detail he would prefer to forget.

He remembered the secretive mission to breach the long, spiral lines of barbed-wire, the thick cloying mud, the sickly stench of rotting flesh and the flocks of crows picking over the bones of the fallen; every muddy rut and hollow strewn with broken corpses in khaki or grey.

And then the day of the battle itself; In vivid and gory detail he recalled the officer’s whistle and hauling himself over the top, the charge, slow at first and then with gathering momentum toward the German trenches. He relived the percussive shock of shells that hammered the earth and drummed the chest, the fizz of bullets that passed him by and the heavy slap as they connected with men either side. Somehow, despite the heavy fire, he managed to reach the German machine gun nest. There, he would never forget the look of surprise on the young German soldiers face as he plunged his bayonet deep into the boy’s chest and gave the prescribed twist before yanking the blade clear; the bright pink frothy blood, the sucking noise that withdrawing the bayonet made, and the slow dulling of the lad’s eyes.

He had looked up just as Sergeant Hall took a German officers sword through the guts. He saw frustration on the officer’s face as the sergeant’s body refused to relinquish his sword, and then a momentary look of horror before Bill smashed his rifle butt into the man’s face, spilling blood and bone into the air. Allowing momentum to carry the rifle around, Bill had brought his bayonet slashing across the officer’s throat putting paid to the ranting Hun forever.

Spinning away from the dying man, he recalled his own horror as the last remaining German raised his pistol, aimed across the trench and pulled the trigger. Bill was convinced his time had come; he could clearly see the bullet drilling through the air towards him. Then abruptly he was thrown to one side as a khaki clad figure hit him from behind, and “his” bullet found an alternative target.

“Monsieur? You are OK?”
Dragged from his reverie, he smiled wearily at the concerned young lady.

“Moi mademoiselle? Yes, I’m fine”.






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Comments by other Members



Kayim at 19:22 on 16 February 2011  Report this post
Hi David

While I'm not sure the word "enjoyed" is wholly appropriate here considering the subject matter, I have to say that I appreciated the level of detail in this piece. You clearly have a keen interest in military writing, and it shines through.

Kim

dharker at 19:37 on 16 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Kim!

Many thanks for taking the time to read this. It's a development (still in progress) which joins "Payment" to "17 words". I apologise - I didn't intend for this to be quite so gory, but there are SO many soldiers who return from a field of operation with flash backs and Post Traumatic Stress and memories just like this. So I got to thinking about the war in the trenches and decided I just couldn't sanitise it. I also wanted the contrast between Bill's experience in civilisation with the beautiful young shop assistant, versus his hellish sensory overload in the trenches.

Dave

tusker at 07:15 on 17 February 2011  Report this post
A well written story, Dave.

A vivid description of the trenches. Almost like watching a mental film.

Your MC is a man, like many men who survived war, that will relive those terrible moments forever, but they are moments we must know about as even now our young men are going through the same horrors of combat.

Jennifer

dharker at 07:39 on 17 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Jennifer! I've just made a small revision in the light of your comment...
Your MC is a man, like many men who survived war, that will relive those terrible moments forever


How could he be OK?

We pay such scant regard to the horrors these young men (and lets not forget most were late teens to early twenties) have had to face. The unnatural sights they must endure and visceral fear they must feel.

I salute each and every one of them...

Dave

Prospero at 17:53 on 17 February 2011  Report this post
This certainly is graphic, Dave, but well written and compelling, if disturbing reading.

My Grandfather won the Military Medal when he escaped from the German's at Dunkirk.

Best

John

OklyDokly at 18:03 on 17 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave

I'm new here, but want to start participating in the community.

I really liked this piece. The markers in the first few sentences were well done, and painted the characters well. The war scenes were vivid and realistic; I could see everything you described.

The only thing which threw me off a little was the speech tag 'he lied' at the end. This seemed evident from the dialogue in my opinion, but of course mine is one of many .


Altogether a strong piece. Good job!

dharker at 18:25 on 17 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks John,
The Military Medal was exclusively for NCO's - your grandfather must have done something pretty special to have received it!

and thanks Christopher! Participation is what makes this the great forum it is, so go for it! ... and your opinion is as good as everyone elses so don't worry about saying what you think!

I added
he lied
in order to end the story properly. I take on board that this is probably obvious and may be overkill... I'm very open to peoples opinions however

Dave

<Added>

Chris(topher?)
I'm very new to creative writing too... so I appreciate your comment!

Desormais at 15:35 on 18 February 2011  Report this post
Excellent Dave. I agree, the battle scenes were graphic and there were some original phrases in there.

He relived the percussive shock of shells that hammered the earth and drummed the chest, the fizz of bullets that passed him by and the heavy slap as they connected with men either side.


That was very good indeed. A great flash, and I still remember the counterpart story to this.

Sandra

Bunbry at 19:19 on 18 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave, I think this is your strongest piece ever, the scenes in the trenches are fantastic, right on the money!

I see you have had a couple of tinkers with the final line and I can see your dilemma of wanting to convey his distress, without laying on with a trowel! Perhaps have him mop his brow as he speaks.

Nick

dharker at 11:09 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Thank You Sandra and Nick! This piece really had me thinking - dilemma's about content and as you point out Nick the conclusion. In the end I went with my heart and I hope the result, while graphic, shows!

Dave

tractor at 16:07 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave,

thought provoking and well written. A bit bloody, but realistic.

Cheers

Mark

V`yonne at 16:53 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
David this is very good you know
the percussive shock of shells that hammered the earth and drummed the chest, the fizz of bullets that passed him by and the heavy slap as they connected with men either side.
wonderful. Send it somehwere.

Manusha at 18:44 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave,

I agree with other comments. Of those I've read, this is certainly one of your best pieces. Very descriptive. A haunting flash before the MC's eyes while he tries to go on about his life.

I also agree with the quote that Oonah highlighted - brilliant!

the bright pink frothy blood

The only thing that threw me, what on earth had he been eating to turn it pink?

Regards, Andy

dharker at 19:57 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Thank You Oonah and Andy! Apparently blood from a pierced lung is pink and frothy because of the mucus and the highly oxygenated blood?
Dave


<Added>

Send it somewhere Oonah? Any suggestions?

Manusha at 20:09 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Whoa, nice. What have you been reading! (I hope it is just reading and you've not been experimenting!) ;

Andy

dharker at 20:16 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
LOL! Andy... PURE research I assure you... and my mum hasn't burned down the shed yet! ;
Dave

Manusha at 20:41 on 19 February 2011  Report this post
Phew! (I hope!)

;


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