Hierarchy
Posted: 11 February 2011 Word Count: 1334 Summary: Jax and Zac Jordan live by the code of the housing estate. Due to an accident when they were kids, their mum Sharon is slightly mentally impaired and vulnerable. She's in debt to a
loan shark.
New neighbors move in next door to the Jordan's and express interest in the family and their welfare. Shorty after their arrival loan shark goes missing .
Story starts in Gaza , moves to Alamut, then Sheffield.
|
Font Size
|
|
South of Gaza .
Brick dust poured out into the sunlight through a hole blasted in the wall. Artur's unit had cleared the first room and were moving on to the back of the makeshift compound.On gut-instinct Artur stepped back into the room and looked over the bodies again. He was prodding the end of his rifle into the chest wound of the nearest fighter to test if he was really dead, instinct was telling him they'd missed something in the room. He didn't have time to analyze what it was.
CLICK
Artur spun around and leveled the sights of his weapon. His finger stopped on the second biting point of the trigger, and he breathed out rapidly to expel the nervous energy with which he was about to follow through and blow the head off the target at the end of his rifle sights.
A girl, whose clothes had been shredded by the blast of explosive, was standing a meter away from him in rags and tatters . Her face and thin angular frame was covered in brick dust. The muzzle of the homemade pistol she was aiming at Artur's chest twisted from side to side as she repeatedly pulled the trigger . Her weapon was jammed.
The girl had dark hair and eyes that could have been either brown or green depending on the light. Although she appeared to be Arabic, under the dust Artur could make out patches of light skin, which combined with her bone structure suggested she was perhaps half European.
It was an odd moment and Artur could never give a full explanation for his actions that day, other than in less than a faction of a second he'd recognized something in her.
The room he was standing in had been a kind of living quarters and the TV, at the far end of the room, was still intact . Canned laughter from an Arabic subtitled American teenage program was inter spaced by short bursts of gunfire at the far end of the compound, but this had only been a superficial part of his epiphany.
It had been what he'd instantly recognized in the girl's eyes that had stopped him from killing her. They told him she wasn't in shock. She was beyond shock and already in the zone he and the other members of his team trained for. In this moment she possessed the absolute clarity of a warrior's mind during battle. Artur instinctively knew he and the girl could communicate on equal terms .
Artur spoke out of the side of his mouth keeping his weapon raised and his cheek to the side of his rifle stock ."I knew it wouldn't fire, that's why you are still alive."
"Why?" The girl demanded though clenched teeth , still trying to make her weapon fire . Her palms were sweating and the adhesive tape wrapped around the pistol's grip was unbinding. The grip was slipping up between the pressure of her hands.
"You were set up." He said." A member of my section supplied your people with the ammunition . The earlier firefight was to get them to use up any reliable ammunition stocks. The round in your weapon came from a faulty batch. You could try clearing the breach but the next one will be probably the same."
Artur could tell the girl knew he wasn't lying. He sensed it even before she stopped trying to pull the trigger . Artur , glanced over in the direction of the most concentrated gunfire indicating it would not himself that killed her.
" They're not taking prisoners, so perhaps you would like to talk to me for a few moments?"
It was a standard line he used for beginning an impromptu interrogation.
There was a few seconds more in the stand-off then the girl lowered the weapon . Artur noticed how thin her arms were and how the weight of the gun pulled her body forward as it came down and she had to step towards him to maintain her balance.
Artur continued to aim his rifle at her head wanting her to maintain her state of adrenaline-fueled clarity so she didn't edge into shock.
"You parents , are they in this room?" .
The girl perceptibly shook her head.
"This compound? "
Again the girl turned her head from side to side.
"Brothers and sisters?"
"No." Artur heard her unmistakably clear, English "No".
"Then you have no one, no relatives?"
She just stared at him and he didn't need to ask any more questions. She had the eyes of an orphan, both deeply haunted and hardened to the world. Tha's when the decision formed in his mind.
Artur swallowed and lowered his rifle . He walked over to the settee . With one hand he grabbed the front of dead fighter's jacket and heaved his body off the cushions. The body rolled onto the floor banging its head into the leg of an armchair. Artur sat down,rested his rifle across his knees and examined the girl. She followed followed his every movement. There was no trace of self pity and he was certain she would have killed him without a thought if her gun hadn't misfired.
"Chiayal ?" The girl demanded , her eyes darting over him, trying to make sense of his unusual combat gear.
"I'm not an Israeli soldier , not Hamas nor am I American." Artur replied. "My team's from somewhere else, way over any of them."
'Tyurrah,' the girl spat out .
" No,I'm not "bullshitting. "
"My name is Artur. Yours?"
"Jennah." It was almost a snarl the way she pronounced it.
Artur ran his hand over his chin and glanced at the doorway that led from the room into the back of the compound. The short bursts of gunfire back there had ceased . In the cool silence Jennah began to shiver and he could see goosebumps pricking up in the blood-caked dirt on her forearms and legs.
Artur's voice was quiet and factual. " I have made a decision , you don't have to die here Jennah."
Jehhah's body was starting to shake.
" Your body's so wired you're about to go into shock . Before you go , I want to give you a choice : They will kill you Jennah. So, either you never wake up again ,or when you do, I'll be with you and I will teach you how to fight your enemy . I need you to make that decision, now."
Never taking her eyes off him, Jennah gulped and nodded .
"Jennah that is a yes?"
Jennah nodded again then she dropped the gun. Her legs gave way sending her sprawling sideways onto the floor. Tremors had begun running through her body, and she stared blankly across the carpet at eye level with the fighter Artur had rolled off the sofa when he sat down.
Artur got up, stripped a canvass jacket from one of the dead Palestinians and wrapped Jennah's skinny body with it. Then he radioed 'outside' to say he was bringing a civilian out .
Jennah felt as light as a sheaf of straw as Artur carried her across the front courtyard. The wooden sheds outside the compound the were burning, flames crackling, shooting sparks up into the air . Sap boiled and whistled, singing inside the scorched branches of an olive tree that overhung the collapsing roofs. The air stank sweetly of seared flesh and wood smoke. Livestock that had been locked inside the burning sheds had stopped screaming, and there was the familiar, ringing silence that immediately followed battle , but none of this, neither the bloodshed inside the compound nor the silence outside had touched him.
He'd pulled life out of routine carnage and destruction. Over the years he came to understand it was a life that reflected his own, and of course,at the time, Artur needed a girl around Jennah's age to train for his long term mission.
Comments by other Members
| |
AnneC at 20:30 on 11 February 2011
Report this post
|
Hi Firethorne, and welcome to IC.
I started reading this piece and gave a little internal groan - from part 1 I jumped to the conclusion that this was going to be an attempt to deal with vast, sweeping events in about 10 lines. However, having read on, I am glad I did, so here goes.
Part 1 - I am not taken with the approach. As I have already said, these are big issues and big emotions and I think they need a bit more page space given to them.
Some specific points:
To anyone based in Alamut it was obvious. The brightest star in Artur Sarkassin's life was Jennah. |
|
I think this is a good concept with which to open, but I don't think the line works as it is at the moment. For one thing, I have no idea where/what Alamut is. That might be me being dim. Also, the brightest star sort of suggests to me someone who is very good at their job, rather than being a metaphor for the most important part of someone's life.
Those who knew Artur , even his professional associates ,agreed, he was a quiet, terrifying man and given his choice of career considered he'd be a totally unsuitable surrogate father for a teenage girl. He certainly wasn't the usual Alamut houseparent material. |
|
Lose the comma after 'agreed' and this line will work better. You also need to lose either 'given' or 'considered' for that part to make sense, and that phrase needs commas on either side of it. 'he'd be' is a switch of tense. Don't understand what the "usual Alumut houseparent' is. I am struggling to understand his cirucmstances from the first two paragraphs - I think this needs more explanation.
Artur wasn't considering adopting Jennah at the time but in his line of work such things do unexpectedly happen . |
|
Really? People in his line of work often adopt traumatised survivors? Not sure about this.
Artur had no political or national allegiance to Israel or indeed any country. If his purposes required he'd organize Palestinians or any other antagonistic national group to bomb an Israeli target . Artur didn't care for national or religious identities in the slightest because he'd been taught what these things are and and how to use them . For him they were a device to perpetuate conflict and endless war or temporarily unite groups when economic and political expedience required and these things only happened when his Employer looked around and saw it was time for a change.
|
|
I like this passage - it sets up his character and motivation nicely. Why is employer capitalised?
Part 2 - I much prefer the style of this piece. Much more immediate and the amount of page-space given to the events is proportionate.
Earlier Artur remembered, he'd spotted her bare feet and legs poking out from under an adult's torso lying at an angle over the top of her. |
|
How did he know this was her if he only saw her feet and legs?
He later found out the girl's mother had been a British aid worker killed in a raid on a suspected terrorist training camp and the Israelis had assumed she had been vaporized along with her mother in the drone attack. The girl escaped the blast and for six months she had taken her revenge by joining up and fighting with this extreme and violent splinter of the terrorist group Hamas. She was fourteen. |
|
This is a jump forward that disrupts both the action and the integrity of the POV. We can find this out later.
Not that it mattered to her. A large man with eyes like an Israeli attack dog , aiming a gun at her head, was about to kill her. |
|
Nice concept, but whose POV is this? Is it a jump to Jennah's - probably bad practice. Or is it his assumption of what she is thinking? In which case it needs to be clearer and probably lose the very evocative image of his eyes - would he realistically think of himself in that way?
The wooden sheds outside the compound the were burning , flames crackling, shooting sparks up into the air . Sap boiled and whistled ,singing inside the thick scorched branches of an olive tree that overhung the collapsing roofs . The air stank of seared flesh , sweet sap and woodsmoke Livestock that had been locked inside the burning sheds had stopped screaming and there was the familiar , ringing silence that immediately followed battle , but none of this, neither the bloodshed inside the compound nor the silence outside had touched him. |
|
Nice passage. Nice imagery, particularly the line beginning 'sap boiled' - the concepts of whistling and singing make a strong point given the bleak circumstances in which the sounds take place. You repeat the word 'sap' and the grammar needs checking in a couple of places, but still nice.
Artur needed a girl around Jennah's age to train for his long term mission. |
|
Woah there! Big bit of info to drop in casually after I had just been getting all gooey-eyed over the warrior with the heart of gold build-up. Not sure it works to be honest.
proving his critics very wrong |
|
What critics? Can we hear some of their criticism? Perhaps as he brings Jennah out?
Overall an interesting beginning. Part 2 is infinitely better for me than part 1 and you really do need to give yourself a crash course in commas! however, bearing in mind how disparaging you were about your abilities in your introductory post, this was a very pleasant surprise.
Anne
| |
firethorne at 21:54 on 11 February 2011
Report this post
|
Thank you so much- You know you are absolutely right.
Alamut - There's only a very small percentage of potential readers who would know what this was - so it's no wonder your eyes probably glazed over at the name.
Do not fear I have almost autistically recreated Alamut There's a whole chapter of its purpose , architecture and detail but I wasn't sure weather to inflict this on you and other readers straight away. When you spend weeks designing such a set up it never occurs a reader could not possibly know all about an obscure eleventh century fortress in the middle of the Iranian desert. How could anyone not know this ?
I strip all this out and get down to bare bones of Artur choosing to adopt Jennah.
He's not got a heart of gold though and don't fall for him. A good dad but his motives are always tainted by his professional role.
New Alamut : Hogwarts it aint.
Thank you again.
Is there any particular work of yours you would like me to crit?
| |
GaiusCoffey at 07:52 on 12 February 2011
Report this post
|
(Hi, just tagging this for notifications - I hope to get to it in a couple of days, but have a rush job on this weekend. G)
| |
Manusha at 09:58 on 12 February 2011
Report this post
|
Hi Firethorne,
I wrote this last night, but it got a bit late to finish. This morning I see that Anne has given a comment, but without reading it I’ll just post what I’ve written, so please excuse any repetition.
I meant to quickly read this just to get a flavour of your writing, but knowing how good it is to get some quick feedback, I’ll dive in. As always with critique, this is just my opinion as only you know your intentions. I hope at least some of it helps.
To begin with, I like the opening line and as I read on I thought the story has enough intrigue to want to know more. This is not the sort of story I would probably read, so that it gives me interest is surely a good sign.
You’ve already said that punctuation is not your forte, but you will need to work on that because you don’t want to keep tripping your reader’s eye and taking them out of the story. Are you using Microsoft Word? There should be little green lines under basic mistakes. Right click over a line and it’ll give the option to correct it for you. I’m sure you know this and sorry to even mention it, but there are a lot of spaces between words and commas or full stops where there needn’t be.
Those who knew Artur , even his professional associates ,agreed, he was a quiet, terrifying man |
|
After the good first line, it was a shame to be tripped so often in the next. Not so much by your words, but, well you know…
How about: Those who knew Artur, even his professional associates, agreed that he was a terrifying man etc.
If they agree, does that mean all who know him know each other too? Perhaps ‘thought that he was a terrifying man’ would avoid the ambiguity. Or, ‘all felt him to be’. Unless of course they do all know each other.
the usual Alamut houseparent material |
|
‘Houseparent’ felt a bit odd to me, but perhaps its use is intrinsic to the culture. If it is ignore this, otherwise would just ‘parent’ do?
Artur wasn't considering adopting Jennah at the time but in his line of work such things do unexpectedly happen . |
|
This reads that unexpected adoptions happen, is that what you mean? If you mean unexpected things happen, a little rewording would easily sort it.
I know we need to get some background info to Artur, but in the next section I felt I was reading a newspaper and just wanted to get on with the story. Perhaps we don’t need so much detail now, but just enough to understand why he’s in the circumstances that follow. More back story could be worked in later. It might be worth looking at starting in the action scene, as that’s where I felt the story to really begin.
(By the way, I keep wanting to read his name as Arthur which has a completely different cultural feel. Is that intentional?)
The rest of Artur’s unit
He was prodding
to test if he was really dead, instinct was telling him they'd missed something in the room. |
|
Some of your sentences could do with a bit of pruning to give your meaning without being too wordy. I’m very guilty of this too, so you’re not alone. How about: to test if he was really dead, instinct telling him they'd missed something.
He didn't have time to analyze what it was. |
|
I don’t think you need this.
The speech marks make it seem, strangely, like speech. Perhaps without quotes and in italics it would work better.
Artur spun around and leveled the sights of his weapon . His finger stopped on the second biting point of the trigger and he breathed out rapidly to expel the nervous energy with which he was about to follow through and blow the head off the target at the end of his rifle sights. |
|
You obviously know about the techniques of using firearms, but in a tense action scene like this too much detail slows the pace. Such a scene needs to be quick and punchy, reflected by quick and punchy sentences. How about simply: ‘He span around and levelled the sights of his weapon.’ I don’t think you need the rest.
the blast of the Fox8 explosive |
|
Again, the detail might be interesting but we don’t need it now. It just slows things. Just ‘the explosive’ tells us all we need to know.
covered in gray brick-dust. |
|
Repetition. We know already that it’s brick-dust, perhaps just ‘dust’ would do here. Also, earlier you write it as ‘brick dust’, without the hyphen. Choose which way you want it and keep it consistent.
Earlier Artur remembered, he'd spotted her bare feet and legs poking out from under an adult's torso lying at an angle over the top of her. |
|
I know you mean that he’d spotted her bare feet earlier, etc. but the comma is misplaced and upsets the meaning. ‘Earlier Artur remembered,’ becomes one subject, then, ‘he'd spotted her bare feet and legs… ’, becomes another. Also, the sentence is too wordy when it could simply say: He remembered seeing her bare feet and legs poking from beneath an adult torso.
The following sentence could be pruned also, for instance: He’d assumed whoever the limbs belonged to could not have survived the blast that blew out half the compound’s front wall.
These are just suggestions, of course. I don’t mean to rewrite your work and if you feel the suggestions helpful I’m sure you will write them your own way, but it can be a good exercise to see if you can say the same with fewer words.
In the next paragraph I’m happily in the present when suddenly we’re in the future looking back. This sudden change of point of view threw me to be honest. I’m sure the info about the girl will be needed for the story, but again, do we need it now in this fast moving scene? Can it be worked in later?
No hyphen needed.
The adhesive tape wrapped around the pistol's grip was unbinding due to her sweating hands, beginning to feel like a bar of soap slipping up through her fingers.Not that it mattered to her. A large man with eyes like an Israeli attack dog , aiming a gun at her head, was about to kill her. |
|
Changing point of view is tricky. We’ve been in Artur’s head seeing things as he sees them and now we’re suddenly in the girl’s. From his POV he wouldn’t know that she felt a sensation of a bar of soap slipping through her fingers.
Because we’re now in her POV, the next speech seems to be coming from her. I think that needs to be clearer. Perhaps:''You were set up,’’ he said, ‘’A member of my section supplied your people with the ammunition. Etc.’’ Or just avoid the pitfalls of changing POV by keeping it in his view point.
The girl perceptibly shook her head. |
|
Ok, I guess you mean she gave a slight shake of her head. Why not just say that then.
Again the girl turned her head from side to side. |
|
This gives an odd image, its ok to say, 'She shook her head again.'
She just stared at him and he didn't need to ask any more questions. She had the eyes of an orphan, both deeply haunted and hardened to the world. That's when the decision formed in his mind. |
|
I must apologise to have not pointed out more of the sentences I liked, and this is definitely one of them. The image of her, all pathetic and lost, is well described.
'Tyurrah' The girl spat out . |
|
A quick point on punctuation – ‘’Tyurrah,’’ the girl spat out.
"Jennah" It was almost a snarl the way she had pronounced it. |
|
You don’t need ‘had’. The sentence is in the present tense.
" Your body's so wired you're about to go into shock . Before you go , I want to give you a choice : They will kill you Jennah. So, either you never wake up again, or , when you do I'll be with you and I will teach you how to fight your enemy . I need you to make that decision, now." |
|
Again, a good spoken piece that reveals more of Artur’s character, but spoiled by… you guessed it. You’ve obviously got a computer connected to the internet. Just Google stuff if you’re not sure. There are plenty of sites that can give advice on punctuation.
The air stank of seared flesh , |
|
Be wary of phrases that sound like you’ve heard them before. Clichés can sound tired and lazy. See if you can word them differently to give the reader a new way of visualising a scene.
Lastly, save – ‘For the next four years, etc.’ for the next chapter.
I truly hope that you are not put off by all my nit-picks, Firethorne, because I do feel that you have a story here that has a lot of promise. As I said, it’s not something I might read, and yet from what I’ve read so far I want to know more.
This feels very much like reading a first draft. In such a time a writer should just go with the flow, without care for rules, just to get something down that they can then work with. But if this to be more than that, please work on that punctuation, it’s worth it, really. ;
Regards, Andy
| |
firethorne at 17:40 on 16 February 2011
Report this post
|
South Of Gaza.
1.
Artur wasn’t considering adaption at the time.
Brick dust poured into the sunlight through a hole blasted in the wall. The rest of Artur's unit had cleared the first room and were moving on to the back of the makeshift compound. On gut-instinct Artur stepped back into the room and looked over the bodies again. He was prodding the end of his rifle into the chest wound of the nearest fighter to test if he was really dead. His instinct had been telling him they'd missed something. He didn't have time to analyze what it was.
CLICK
Artur span around and leveled the sights of his weapon . His finger stopped on the second biting point of the trigger and he breathed out rapidly to expel the nervous energy with which he was about to follow through and blow the head off the target at the end of his rifle sights.
A girl, whose clothes had been shredded by the blast of explosive was standing a meter away from him in rags and tatters . Her face and thin angular frame was covered in
brick dust. The muzzle of the homemade pistol she was aiming at Artur's chest twisted from side to side as she repeatedly pulled the trigger . Her weapon was jammed.
The girl had dark hair and eyes that could have been either brown or green depending on the light. Although she appeared to be Arabic, under the dust Artur could make out patches of light skin which combined with her bone structure, suggested she was perhaps half European.
It was an odd moment and Artur could never give a full explanation for his actions that day, other than in less than a faction of a second he'd recognized something in her.
The room had been a kind of living quarters and the TV, at the far end of the room was still intact . Canned laughter from an Arabic subtitled American teenage program was inter spaced by short bursts of gunfire from the far end of the compound. This had only been a superficial part of his epiphany.
It had been what he'd instantly recognized in the girl's eyes that had stopped him from killing her. They told him she wasn't in shock . She was beyond shock and already in the zone he and the other members of his team trained for. In this moment she possessed the absolute clarity of a warrior's mind during battle. Artur instinctively knew he and the girl could communicate on equal terms .
Artur spoke out of the side of his mouth keeping his weapon raised and his cheek to the side of his rifle stock ."I knew it wouldn't fire. That's why you are still alive."
"Why?" The girl demanded though clenched teeth . She was still trying to make her weapon fire . Her palms were sweating and the adhesive tape wrapped around the pistol's grip was unbinding. The grip was slipping up between the pressure of her hands.
"You were set up." He said." A member of my section supplied your people with the ammunition . The earlier firefight was to get them to use up any reliable ammunition stocks . The round in your weapon came from a faulty batch. You could try clearing the breach but the next one will be probably the same."
Artur could tell the girl knew he wasn't lying . He sensed it even before she stopped trying to pull the trigger .
Artur , glanced over in the direction of the most concentrated gunfire indicating it would not himself that killed her.
" They're not taking prisoners, so perhaps you would like to talk to me for a few moments?"
It was a standard line he used for beginning an impromptu interrogation.
There was a few seconds more in the stand-off then the girl lowered the weapon . Artur noticed how thin her arms were and how the weight of the gun pulled her body forward and as it came down she had to step towards him to maintain her balance.
Artur continued aiming his rifle at her head wanting her to maintain her state of adrenaline-fueled clarity so she didn't edge into shock.
"You parents , are they in this room?" .
The girl shook her head.
"This compound? "
The girl shook her head again.
"Brothers and sisters?"
"No." Artur heard her unmistakably clear, English "No".
"Then you have no one, no relatives?"
She just stared at him and he didn't need to ask any more questions. She had the eyes of an orphan, both deeply haunted and hardened to the world. That's when the decision formed in his mind.
Artur swallowed and lowered his rifle . He walked over to the settee . With one hand he grabbed the front of dead fighter's jacket and heaved his body off the cushions . The body rolled onto the floor banging its head into the leg of an armchair. Artur sat down ,rested his rifle across his knees and examined the girl. She followed followed his every movement. There was no trace of self pity and he was certain she would have killed him without a thought if her gun hadn't misfired.
"Chiayal ?" The girl demanded , her eyes darting over him, trying to make sense of his unusual combat gear.
"I'm not an Israeli soldier , not Hamas nor am I American." Artur replied. "My team's from somewhere else, way over any of them."
'Tyurrah,' the girl spat out .
" No,I'm not "bullshitting. "
"My name is Artur. Yours?"
"Jennah" It was almost a snarl the way she pronounced it.
Artur ran his hand over his chin and glanced at the doorway that led from the room into the back of the compound . The short bursts of gunfire back there had ceased . In the cool silence Jennah began to shiver and he could see goosebumps pricking up in the blood-caked dirt on her forearms and legs.
Artur's voice was quiet and factual. " I have made a decision , you don't have to die here Jennah."
Jehhah's body was starting to shake.
" Your body's so wired you're about to go into shock . Before you go , I want to give you this choice : They will kill you Jennah. So, either you never wake up again ,or when you do I'll be with you and I will teach you how to fight your enemy . I need you to make that decision now."
Never taking her eyes off him, Jennah gulped and nodded .
"Jennah that is a yes?"
Jennah nodded again then she dropped the gun . Her legs gave way sending her sprawling sideways onto the floor. Tremors had begun running through her body and she stared blankly across the carpet at eye level with the fighter Artur had rolled off the sofa when he sat down.
Artur got up , stripped a canvass jacket from one of the dead Palestinians and wrapped Jennah's skinny body with it. Then he radioed 'outside' to say he was bringing a civilian out .
Jennah felt as light as a sheaf of straw as Artur carried her across the front courtyard . The wooden sheds outside the compound the were burning , flames crackling, shooting sparks up into the air . Sap boiled and whistled , singing inside the scorched branches of the olive tree that overhung the collapsing roofs . The air stank sweetly of seared flesh and wood smoke. Livestock that had been locked inside the burning sheds had stopped screaming and there was the familiar , ringing silence that immediately followed battle , but none of this, neither the bloodshed inside the compound nor the silence outside had touched him.
He'd pulled life out of routine carnage and destruction. Over the years he came to understand it was a life that reflected his own, and of course ,at the time, Artur needed a girl around Jennah's age to train for his long term mission.
| |
firethorne at 17:46 on 16 February 2011
Report this post
|
I'm going to leave that as the final version. It's a response to the mix of Anne's and Manusha's critique. I agree with both. To try to work any real explanation or back history at this stagedestroys the immediacy.
Having got this far with the edit was unexpectedly enjoyable .In an odd way I now have the same feeling as having had a good haircut.
I'll get on with chapter 2.
| |
Manusha at 09:13 on 17 February 2011
Report this post
|
Hi Firethorne,
That for me is much better, straight into the action, and a much better way to get the reader hooked. A worthy edit.
I now have the same feeling as having had a good haircut. |
|
Great analogy!
Good luck with chapter 2.
Regards, Andy
| |
Sarah G at 11:21 on 22 March 2011
Report this post
|
The summary caught my attention straight away and if i was reading it on the back of a novel in the book store, I would definitely buy it.
The chapter held my interest but I had to stop and wonder if was ready the right story as it didn't seem anything like the summary, but perhaps I will have to wait until we get to Sheffield for that part.
[/He was prodding the end of his rifle into the chest wound of the nearest fighter to test if he was really dead, instinct was telling him they'd missed something in the room. He didn't have time to analyze what it was.]
This bit struck me as passive compared to the opening. The word 'was' seems to weaken the impact slightly. Also there seems to be a slight issue with switches in tense, ie.
[He was prodding] - present
[Brick dust poured] - past
It might be better to stay consistent ie.
[He prodded the end of his rifle into the chest wound of the nearest fighter to test if he was really dead, instinct told him they'd missed something in the room. He didn't have time to analyze what.]
["I'm not an Israeli soldier , not Hamas nor am I American." Artur replied.] - You need a comma after American instead of a full stop, as Artur replied is a speech tag.
[/quote The wooden sheds outside the compound the were burning]
This sentence didn't make sense. Is there an extra word in there such as 'the' perhaps.
The storyline was well structured in chronological order and the dialogue flowed well and sounded natural. I haven't read any of the other critiques so I apologise if there are any repeats in here. I prefer to critique blind, so I don't get influenced and then read the other critiques afterwards.
Hope this helps x
| |
| |