Hello Bill
Posted: 09 February 2011 Word Count: 250
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Bill had been persuaded by his mate Chris that the blind date would be ‘a great idea’. Now he stood, terrified, outside the village hall dressed in his best suit, the smell of soap and Old Spice pervading the air. Music from the “Abba Revival” organised by the PCC spilled onto the car park.
“Bill!”
He turned and saw three silhouetted figures waiting for him at the entrance.
Bill had lost his wife two years ago to cancer after twenty five years of marriage. He’d met Maggie in secondary school and they’d been inseparable ever since. Until the illness came along and took her away that is. He’d been totally lost thereafter. His daughter Kate helped him cope of course, at seventeen going on forty she fussed and fretted like some Mother Hen, bless her. This evening, as his nerves again got the better of him, it was Kate who pushed him out the door “Go on Dad! For goodness sake go out and enjoy yourself! It’s time you moved on”.
“Hi Chris! Hello Siobhan!” He replied and turned nervously towards his ‘date’ for the evening.
“Bill, this is Siobhan’s friend Liz; Liz, this is Bill”
"Hello Liz", he said as he went to shake her hand.
She must have been mid blink because all Bill would remember of their first evening was the slow sensual opening of her eyelids, the palest of blue irises and the inky darkness of pupils that drew away his doubts and fears.
“Hello Bill…”
Comments by other Members
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tractor at 14:05 on 09 February 2011
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Hi Dave,
liked this.
I think the mention of the guy's best suit smelling of camphor (mothballs?)is perhaps a bit dated/too predictable? Anyway, if he's on a date, at an Abba Revival, he'd probably mask it with Brut!
Your penultimate line where their eyes meet is brilliantly written.
Cheers
Mark
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dharker at 14:42 on 09 February 2011
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"Splash it on all over" Mark? LOL! That took me way too far back for comfort!
Yes I agree... although a long-term mothballed suit would tend to overcome most subtle aftershaves! I wanted the suit to convey his out-of-date and out of practice socialising skills but maybe the too heavy application of aftershave would have done the job? I apologise if it seems a bit contrived...
I'm glad you liked it and thanks!
Dave
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Prospero at 14:51 on 09 February 2011
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Hi Dave
'Inseparable ever since' was followed too closely by 'lost ever since' for my ear. Perhaps you could swop one for a since then.
That was a stonking ending! Absolutely brilliant. The play on the two senses of opening one actual and one implied was very clever. I will remember that.
Best
John
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tusker at 14:54 on 09 February 2011
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A lovely romantic tale, Dave.
This could be a great one for Valentine's Day.
Agree about the moth balls. Brut, yes.
Jennifer
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dharker at 14:55 on 09 February 2011
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Thanks Prosp! Glad you enjoyed it! Looking at it yes you're absolutely right - the "ever since" bit needs a little work... I'll get onto that straight away!
Dave
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Desormais at 17:15 on 09 February 2011
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Good flash Dave. Agree about the camphor. I'd quite forgotten that people used to use mothballs.
Sandra
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dharker at 18:57 on 09 February 2011
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Old Spice instead of Brut... couldn't stand our 'enry muscling in... Thanks everyone for your kind suggestions and comments!
Dave
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Bunbry at 20:12 on 09 February 2011
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Nice one Dave, it's horrible getting back in the dating game at that age and you described it well. Only suggestion, replace 'big C' with illness.
Nick
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dharker at 20:18 on 09 February 2011
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Thanks Nick - Yes reading through again I think you're right about using illness. There's a better 'balance' to it. Great suggestion!
Dave
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Manusha at 13:19 on 12 February 2011
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Hi Dave,
A nice tale - nervousness brushed away by awakened desire. I did read this when you first posted it (when Kate was accidently named Maggie!), but for some reason didn't comment then. Now I'm glad I didn't because you've tweaked it for the better since. It stands well as it is, but there's a couple of small points (ok, four!), that came to mind.
It was Kate that had pushed him out the door this evening as his nerves slammed on the anchors. |
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I stumbled a little on this. I read it as - he's going out the door and then slams on the brakes. Perhaps the sentence could be reversed to make it clearer. Something like: This evening, as his nerves slammed on the anchors, it was Kate that had pushed him out the door.
She must have been mid blink because all Bill would remember of their first evening was the slow sensual opening of her eyelids, |
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Wow, perhaps I should get back into dating! Be tricky to explain to my wife though. I like the idea, as though time is slowing down as his eyes are opened to the possibilty that romance could still exist for him. But a blink is very quick, we hardly notice them, while hers is a slow sensual opening, as though she's just waking from sleep. She's meeting someone for the first time (a date at that), when you'd expect them to be pretty alert. Not sure how you'd change that though without losing the lovely dreamy quality of the sentence.
all Bill would remember of their first evening |
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All he would remember? You'd hope after an entrance like that he would've recalled a little more of her! Perhaps it could be worded that it was an impression that really stood out, or something.
Lastly, and it is a teeny point:
the inky darkness of pupils that sucked away his doubts and fears. |
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Its the 'sucked' that caught me. Apart from sucking a lolly, which is pleasant, sucked can imply being drawn against one's will - sucked down a hole, life sucked away. Could another word convey a more desirable sense?
Great last line, and I liked it being the title of the piece. As I said, the story works well as it is, I'm just being picky but I hope its helpful.
Regards, Andy
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dharker at 18:50 on 12 February 2011
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Brilliant critique as ever Andy... great suggestion about his exit from home - I'll rework it as you suggest. Not sure what to do about the eyelids - I need to have a long hard think! ) I wanted to convey a slowing of time and the heightening of Bill's awareness... the point about having his doubts and fears being sucked away is also on the money. Again it was in my mind that those gorgeous eyes drained away his reticence and worries. Suck seemed the right verb but I'm sure you're right now and again I'll have a think before I do another bit of a rework. Watch this space!
Dave
<Added>
... and thanks Oonah! I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
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Manusha at 19:32 on 12 February 2011
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I wanted to convey a slowing of time and the heightening of Bill's awareness... |
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For me, you definitely got that right! It came across in spades. You just can't lose that dreamy quality, it works so well. I've puzzled over it, all I can come up with is something like: 'She was in mid-blink, but all Bill saw was the slow sensual opening of her eyelids...'
Or something! I'll certainly be watching this space with interest, Dave.
Regards, Andy
P.S. I love your enthusiasm! ;
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crowspark at 11:31 on 13 February 2011
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There is something very engaging about your mc ;
overshadowed only by Liz!
She must have been mid blink because all Bill would remember of their first evening was the slow sensual opening of her eyelids, the palest of blue irises and the inky darkness of pupils that drew away his doubts and fears. |
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Worth the entrance fee just for that wonderful sentence.
I'm wary of back story. This pulls its weight
His daughter Kate helped him cope of course, at seventeen going on forty she fussed and fretted like some Mother Hen, bless her. This evening, as his nerves again got the better of him, it was Kate who pushed him out the door
“Go on Dad! For goodness sake go out and enjoy yourself! It’s time you moved on”.
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but otherwise, if it were mine I would trim this par back.
Thanks for an excellent read.
Bill
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