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The Tale of Ravi Nuun

by dharker 

Posted: 31 January 2011
Word Count: 739


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Ravi placed the finder into the hole in the ice that he had carved and flicked the switch. It settled into its rhythmic drumming and then started sinking low and rising again into the F’raa that flowed fast beneath the ice. Satisfied that the ice hole would be maintained and that he would be able to find his way back, he took the breath and dived through the ice, in search of the elusive armoured L’tee.

He was a fine,tall, barrel chested figure, eighteen turns in age. His white skin was still unblemished by the rigours of the dive. This, his first solo hunt, was to be his adult naming.

His gills retracted as he sank heavily into the F’raa, his natural bioluminescence dimmed then extinguished by its shining coldness. His body twisted heavily but he was quick to plant his feet on the underside of the thick ice-crust.

He paused momentarily to acclimatise, then opened his external eye-lid. Feeling the F’raa begin to tingle on his skin, he turned his eye downwards and set about his task. With one last look back he waded out and away.

L’tee are solitary creatures that roam and graze the crust, their hard, reflective shell making them hard to find and more so to catch. It was good fortune therefore that led Ravi to see the faint but unmistakable trail of freshly grazed ice just 5 minutes into his 20 minute breath cycle. As he approached he blinked at the size of the L’tee before him. He had never known one so big and fragrant.

Tradition dictated the numbee be used to stab the single barrel-like foot as the L’tee raised its bulk from the ice. The provider would then wait as the life spilled slowly from the creature, for only when their spirit had left and their body was still could the clan be called and the creature carried home. For larger creatures, the loss of their life force could take several breath cycles and the necessity of leaving the creature often ended with it being taken by L’jaa, the fierce and ravenous crab-like predators that preyed on the L’tee.

Ravi had often been criticised for his lack of respect for the traditions of his ancestors. A gifted thinker, he desperately wanted to show that sometimes tradition could be improved upon. And so, as the huge L’tee lumbered forwards, he lay the numbee stick onto the ice immediately in front of the creature and waited for it to raise, lift and then plant its foot. Patience. After what seemed an age, it was done and its huge carapace was over the numbee. Now all Ravi had to do was to plant his feet and lever the L’tee onto its shell. He strained on the ancient numbee and prayed it would be up to the task. His gills pulsed wildly in their sheath with the effort, but slowly the enormous L’tee lifted off the ice and tipped onto its shell from where, for the unfortunate creature, there was no return. Mouthing the words of the Cre’al, the ancient benediction to the prey, Ravi plunged the blade end of the numbee into the L’tee just forward of the foot where its immense beating heart was concealed. The creature shuddered briefly then stopped its struggle as its life force quickly evaporated into the F’raa. His skin oozed with the exertion and the radiation from the F’raa had dried and flaked his hindmost, but this mattered little. He had captured his first L’tee! He was now Ravi Nuun - Ravi the provider in his people’s tongue!

The noises of the F’raa dimmed as he turned his head to listen for the finder and its comforting drumming pulses calling him back. Surprised to find how easily the L’tee moved over the ice now it rested on its shell, Ravi decided that yet another tradition could be bettered. And so he chose to drag his prize himself rather than call the clan. Hauling the huge L’tee cost him dearly, his efforts had allowed the F’raa to sear his skin in several places, but this would heal. His triumph was complete when at last he hauled himself through the hole, unsheathed his gills and gestured for the waiting clan to widen the hole.

The tale of Ravi Nuun and the L’tee that fed the clan for more than a cycle would be spoken of for turns ever more.






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Comments by other Members



tusker at 06:38 on 01 February 2011  Report this post
I loved this surreal tale, Dave.

In my mind Ravi resembles a human like seal, and his prey a gigantic underwater snail.

Wonderful descriptions of Ravi's effort and the cold, watery world where he hunted for that prized l'tee.

Now I want to read more tales of Ravi and his clan.

Jennifer

dharker at 12:08 on 01 February 2011  Report this post
LOL! I thought I'd replied Jennifer - but I can't find the response... so here goes again - my apologies for any repetition should it reappear!

Thank you for your comments - I wasn't sure how this would be received. I'm very relieved! My vision of the l'tee is more of a mobile limpet but your take is every bit as good! As for Ravi - I'm currently building a world for my young friend and hope to have some more tales for you!

Dave

Bunbry at 18:01 on 01 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave, good to see you back writing. I notice you intend to write more in this vein and I think would be a good idea! However, at the moment, despite it being well written, what you have is an account of Ravi catching a l'tee. But an account of something happening is not the same as a story - and that side of it needs work. Perhaps inject some peril, or obstacle for Ravi to overcome. Or return him to his people to find he is not the hero he expects to be. Why, what has he done wrong, what must he do to put things right? Or have him fail in his task, but try to cover-up his failings. These kind of problems are what drives a story forward.

This has got legs, so continue with it, but introduce the drama!
Very good luck with it.

Nick

dharker at 18:32 on 01 February 2011  Report this post
Thanks Nick - I cut a fair bit out to get to the 600 word challenge target so I know exactly what you mean. It was hard to introduce the character and his world within the limits set. I hope it didn't disappoint too much as a result. The Europan world has some twists that I hope to explore and an adventure or two for Ravi...
Dave

Manusha at 23:02 on 01 February 2011  Report this post
Hi Dave,

After a read of your post I felt to have a quick look at your profile:
feel free to comment, critique or downright criticise! I`ll never learn otherwise!

A man after my own heart (oh dear, how cliched is that!). Ok, to my point: I wanted to give this a proper critique because I felt it deserved more than just saying I liked it. But I don't think it appropriate at this time because this feels to be more a sketch of an idea rather than a piece of flash fiction. I know you've recently had a knock back of confidence, so I've hesitated to post this, but in the spirit of encouragement that I mean my words to convey, I'll go on: I don't feel this works as FF because there is no real conclusion, but interestingly, it does hint to a story yet untold and ready to unfold!

When I say story, I mean Story. From your returning comments it seems that you have found an idea, an idea that could turn into something. I say go for it, Dave!
I cut a fair bit out to get to the 600 word challenge target so I know exactly what you mean. It was hard to introduce the character and his world within the limits set.

How about 6000 words then, or 60,000? Would that give space to create the universe you envision? Why limit your literary sky? Let your characters and their world find room to breathe and find a life of their own.

Flash fiction is a unique way of exploring new ideas such as POV, voice, theme and all the other myriad things that make up a story. If from such exploration you have found an idea stirring then I'd say run with it and see where it might take you!

Regards, Andy



dharker at 05:52 on 02 February 2011  Report this post
Andy - your comments are very welcome. I've always believed that these critiques are there to act as lessons. My knock back by EDF, while it injured my pride, has spurred me on to explore my reasons for writing and to expand my horizons - and my imagination.
I don't feel this works as FF because there is no real conclusion, but interestingly, it does hint to a story yet untold and ready to unfold!


I'm not quite sure what is making the story this controversial. Maybe my nascent writing skills have let me down. I did wonder about whether this should be posted here and decided to do so because this is a forum where I've received great advice from people I trust and strangely who's "company" I enjoy! Your comments confirm my feelings so never hesitate to say what needs to be said.

The story of Ravi is written, in my mind, in a voice of saga - a tale told around the camp fires to preserve history, to educate and to provide short snappy banter between equals. Maybe I should have kept my original words and length and ignored the challenge to make this introduction what I wanted it to be?
Dave



<Added>

... there will be more "tales" which add to the story of Ravi and the clan which I'd like to share around the campfire with everyone if this would be appropriate?

Prospero at 06:01 on 02 February 2011  Report this post
Very impressive, Dave. At first blush, I thought you had mis-spelt Europeans, but then as I progressed in the story I realised what you were doing. Nick's points are good ones, but as a snap-shot `i thought this worked really well.

I would offer this to Pygmy Giant (tell Mel I sent you) or Bewildering Stories (tell Don I sent you) if I were you. They will bite your hand off if they have any sense.

Cheers

Prosp

Apologies for the name dropping, but Mel and Don know I only send them the best I've got.

John

dharker at 07:06 on 02 February 2011  Report this post
Prosp - Thank You on so many levels mate. Appreciate it.

Desormais at 08:53 on 02 February 2011  Report this post
An incredibly imaginative tale Dave. I too thought Europans was a mis-spelling, until I read about his gills, so unless Europa is incredibly germane to the tale, I might think of some other name for that to avoid distraction.

This was a well told flash, and quite unlike the other work you've submitted here. You seem to have invented a whole new vocabulary here which slides effortlessly into the story. I think there's a lot of promise with this theme. And the voice is excellent.

This kind of work is not to everyone's taste, (and quite honestly it's not a favourite genre for me either) but I'm sure however, that there is a whole tranche of readers who relish exactly this genre, so don't be put off by my words.

A great submission, full of potential. Well done.

Sandra

V`yonne at 16:56 on 03 February 2011  Report this post
I will suggest
he took the breath and dived through the ice, the elusive armoured L’tee shrimp his quarry

in search his quarry, the elusive etc...
It's just more direct.
Like all Europans he was a tall barrel chested figure, eighteen full turns in age and ready for this his first solo hunt. By all standards a fine male, he was at peak fitness now - his white skin still unblemished by the rigours of the dive. This was to be his adult initiation
Could be shortened.
He was a fine,tall, barrel chested figure, eighteen turns in age and full ready for this his first solo hunt, his white skin still unblemished by the rigours of the dive.
of the thick crust of ice
Could be expressed in fewer words: of the thick ice-crust.
If anything you're trying too hard, for instance here the reader will fill in the information he wants and you don't need so much detail:
He paused to acclimatise, and opened his external eye-lid. The F’raa began to tingle on his skin and he turned his eye downwards and set about his task. With one last look back he waded out and away.


Print it out and highlight all the prases that could be shortened, the information that is excess or repeated. Save each file as a different number of date file so you always have the original to refer back to. It's surprising how much of this you could do without.

dharker at 17:24 on 03 February 2011  Report this post
Brilliant advice Oonah as ever... I'll do the print thing - I see exactly where you're going with this!

Thank You!

Dave

crowspark at 15:02 on 06 February 2011  Report this post
An enjoyable piece, Dave. You have already received some excellent advice.
You suggest and sescribe an alien world well.
Well done.
Bill


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