Login   Sign Up 



 

Mr McMurdle`s Machines Chap 2

by Issy 

Posted: 20 December 2010
Word Count: 807
Summary: I've slightly changed the end of chapter 1 to remind that Tim has an idea and so have included last few lines. All comments very welcome.
Related Works: Mr McMurdle`s Machines Chap 1 • 

Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


“We want to see Mr McMurdle’s accounts,” said the second man.

“So we can collect his tax money.”

Tim’s tummy bounced as on springs. Mr McMurdle was right. They were in trouble.

It was a good job Tim had an idea.



Chapter Two.




Mr McMurdle round face went pink and his ears sticking out beneath his curly hair went red.

“Mr McMurdle,” whispered Tim, wanting to tell Mr McMurdle about the idea, but Mr McMurdle was too busy being flustered. The doughnut without the dough cracked in his hand and hot raspberry jam rolled down his overall to mix with all the oil.

He took a step forward and nearly slipped on the dripping jam, managing to hold onto the Clop-a-hopper Travelling machine

But Stanley smartly opened the door to the office and said, “Come in,” to the taxmen and, “Please sit down,” and he pulled out chairs in front of the desk.

“Thank you,” said the first tax man. They both and sat down and opened their briefcases.

“Would you like tea or coffee?” said Stanley. “Would you like a doughnut without the dough and with toffee crunchies instead?”

By the time they had said they would have tea and doughnuts, Tim had wiped Mr McMurdle's fingers and mopped up the jam and oil. He didn’t try again to tell Mr McMurdle his idea, as it seemed more important to get Mr McMurdle ready. Mr McMurdle took a deep breath. He went into the office and sat down the other side of the desk, and Stanley had put mugs of tea and plates of the doughnuts down on the desk with paper tissues and the taxmen were soon wiping their fingers and smiling.

“That doughnut is very good,” Tim heard the second taxman say before Stanley closed the door.

Tim breathed. Perhaps it would be all right after all.

He cleaned the new doughnut machine, and Stanley painted it red and yellow. Stanley seemed to like red and yellow best but he sometimes painted the machines red and green, or red and blue. The doughnut machine did look nice, there in the workshop, and Tim had nearly forgotten about the taxmen, when the office door opened. Mr McMurdle looked even redder. The taxmen looked angry. Stanley opened the door to the street and Tim and Mr McMurdle watched them get into their car and drive off.

“They gave me nil out of ten for arithmetic,” said Mr McMurdle, “and they said my accounts were a disgrace and my writing is like a spider with boots walking across the page. I have to do very much better or there will be a lot of trouble.”

Tim nodded. It sounded like what Mrs Brown said about his own schoolwork.

“What you need,” he said, “is someone else to do it for you – someone who knows how to do the accounts.”

“Ah,” said Mr McMurdle, brightening up, “now that is a good idea. I’ll advertise.”

So he did, and found Max, short for Maximum Efficiency came to work for him. Max was tall and thin, and wore black and a long cloak, and he had long fingers and long black hair and even a long pointed face. His elbows stuck out sharply and he towered above Mr McMurdle. Mr McMurdle had to crane his neck to look up at him.

But Max was the most efficient person Mr McMurdle ever known. He kept all the figures in straight lines in tidy columns and they all added up perfectly and there were no smudges like spiders wearing ink boots all over the account books. The taxmen came back and they saw all the forms filled in Max’s neat writing.

“Well done, Max. These accounts are a joy to behold,” they said.

Max took a big bag of money out of the safe in the office and counted out the money that was owed to the taxmen.

Mr McMurdle got up and wiped his oil hands and looked at the big bag of money.

“I didn’t know I had so much,” he said.

“You’re rich, Mr McMurdle,” said the first taxmen. “You could be even richer if you got things organised around here. Mr Efficiency here is the man for that job.”

They both nodded to Mr McMurdle as Stanley opened the door for them to leave.

“Marvellous,” cried Mr McMurdle, full of grins. “All my problems are over,” and he patted Max on the shoulder in a friendly way and stood at the door to see the taxmen get into their car.

Tim saw Max wipe the shoulder of his suit with his handkerchief. There was a not very nice expression on his long white face.

And then Max give Stanley’s foot a sly kick when Mr McMurdle wasn’t looking. That clinched it. Tim didn’t like Max at all.









Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



kabclarky at 18:53 on 21 December 2010  Report this post
Hi Issy,

Once again I really enjoyed your writing. I think overall the concept of the story is very good and the characters are well rounded and defined. The only thing that lets it down for me is that in some of the sentences you are telling not showing. Such as - and he patted Max on the shoulder in a friendly way and stood at the door to see the taxmen get into their car. - Patting Max gently on the shoulder, he watched the taxmen leave - or something like that. Just general tightening up.

I've got quite attached to your characters in such a short space of time - that's the sign of a good writer!

Kabclarky

Issy at 19:04 on 21 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks Kabclarky, that's a very interesting point. My first draft was in very authorial storytelling style with 5-7 year olds in mind, and Tim hardly featured at all, but what's happened is that the story has grown to a slightly older readership of 7+ I'm now looking for Tim to be the mc and problem solver.

I like your suggestions, and will get those implemented. Thank you for reading and commenting.

Account Closed at 20:57 on 21 December 2010  Report this post
Hi Issy, coming to this late so please treat this as a comment on both chapters as I've read them both together.

I really like this idea - it's got a fantastic sort of Roald Dahl Heath Robinson vibe to it that really sparks the imagination. And I thought it worked fine in the previous chapter, starting with the machines. That wasn't a problem for me at all.

I would like to know a bit more about Tim - at the moment I'm quite unclear how old he is (unless I missed something) and what kind of a boy he is.

I was also a bit disappointed when you dropped such a big hook at the end of chapter one, with Tim's idea, and then we never found out what it was in chapter two. Reading it as a child, it felt like you were promising to make Tim the centre of the action for chapter two, and then you reneged on the implicit promise which was a let down. I'd either think of a different hook, or introduce his idea very smartish.

But I love the introduction of Max short for Maximum Efficiency. Great name - and lots of trouble looming!

Looking forward to the next instalment.

<Added>

oh sorry think I've been dim. The idea was to get someone else in, wasn't it?

Oops!

Still, it might be worth signposting this a bit more obviously. I'm feeling particularly dim so no doubt the average 7 year old is quicker on the uptake than me tonight, but for me it wasn't clear whether this was Tim's idea or just a precursor to something more dramatic.

Sorry, sorry, please blame Xmas stress and too much multitasking....

Issy at 11:33 on 22 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks FloraPost, that is actually an excellent suggestion as I could build it up a whole lot more with Tim bursting to tell but Mr McMurdle too worried to notice. I'm not sure of Tim's age - he becomes the apprentice in the next chapter but this isn't the real world and am sure he can still be an apprentice at 8 or 9 in Mr McMurdle's world.

I'm giving it some thought, thanks.

Ben Yezir at 16:14 on 23 December 2010  Report this post
HI Issy, Just catching up with the first two chapters now. This isn't my age group but I really enjoyed the story. Could you start Chapter 1 with Tim's impressions of the machines, that might solve your problem. Not much to add except I think my 6 year old would love it - praise enough.

Happy Christmas,
Ben

Issy at 17:33 on 23 December 2010  Report this post
Now that is a good suggestions Ben, would put me right into the mcs vp from the start. Thanks so much for reading and am delighted your 6 year old would like it - am thinking around the right age group now.

And Happy Christmas to you both! Bet he or she is getting excited.

Steerpike`s sister at 17:24 on 29 December 2010  Report this post
Lots of great things in this chapter, in particular:

“Would you like tea or coffee?” said Stanley. “Would you like a doughnut without the dough and with toffee crunchies instead?”

So he did, and found Max, short for Maximum Efficiency came to work for him. Max was tall and thin, and wore black and a long cloak, and he had long fingers and long black hair and even a long pointed face. His elbows stuck out sharply and he towered above Mr McMurdle. Mr McMurdle had to crane his neck to look up at him.



Well done, Max. These accounts are a joy to behold,” they said.


I agree there could be a great sort of Heath-Robinsonian thing going on here, a kind of new Professor Branestawm. As you know, series are where it's at for this age group, so if you had a theme, such as focusing on a different machine for every book, this could have lots of potential.

There are a few typos (oil hands, give Stanley's foot a kick).

Tim had wiped Mr McMurdle's fingers and mopped up the jam and oil. He didn’t try again to tell Mr McMurdle his idea, as it seemed more important to get Mr McMurdle ready. Mr McMurdle took a deep breath


Too many McMurdles here!

I was a bit confused when the tax men were talking to Mr M. I thought Tim was in the room and then realised he wasn't. Perhaps this could be made clearer.

I can see what Flora means about the build-up with the idea and then letting the reader down. Do you need to tell us that Tim has an idea? Why not just leave it at 'they were in trouble' for a cliff hanger ending? Then Tim shows us he has an idea by coming up with it naturally and cleverly just when it's needed - job done.

Issy at 21:11 on 29 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks for your comments on both chapters,Leila, lots of things for me to take up or brainstorm there, greatly appreciated.


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .