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A day to die for

by dharker 

Posted: 02 December 2010
Word Count: 333


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Death!
The tarot, and the gypsy lady who had read them, were unequivocal; tomorrow was the day Helen would die.

“Utter nonsense!” she decided, “Never believed that rubbish anyway…”

Even so she decided she would call in sick and take that duvet day she’d been promising herself for months.

She woke early, making a leisurely breakfast before her ultimate luxury – a long soak in a hot bath, soft music, cup of rich coffee and a good book. When the water cooled she pulled the plug, turned on the shower then washed and deep conditioned her hair. She played the hot water all over her body, enjoying almost too much the stimulation of the powerful jets of water.

Outside, a cold and dismal sleet spat and battered against the windows, whilst inside the afternoon flew by in a flurry of Loose Women, Doctors and Midsomer Murders. Still in her fluffy dressing gown, she carefully prepared herself a pasta salad with tuna for tea.

As daylight faded, her mind wandered to other extravagances to which she could perhaps treat herself. She chose to settle down on the sofa with a chilled glass of Chablis, a half bar of chocolate, and Pretty Woman on DVD.

“Lucky cow!” she thought as Richard Gere took Julia Roberts in his arms and kissed her passionately. Her eyes nodded, warmth and the alcohol combining to further relax her, then slowly immerse her in a deep trouble free sleep.

“Time of death approximately 11:59pm” said a voice.

“WHAT!” She looked around in horror for the source of the unfamiliar voice.

She was looking down into some kind of hospital room, a young guy in a white lab coat was leaning over the body of a young woman lying on a stainless steel table.

“No signs of a struggle or bruising. Smells nice, clean and well groomed, looks like she had a lovely evening, Cause of death: Acid Reflux, combination of alcohol and chocolate… sadly she choked on her own indulgence”.






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Comments by other Members



Desormais at 12:50 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
I didn't realise you could die from acid reflux - scary! I liked the sharp change of direction towards the end, when the voice chimes in with 'Time of Death'. You set the scene nicely and conveyed the atmosphere of drifting off to sleep well.

As daylight faded, her mind wandered to other extravagances she could perhaps treat herself to.


I always try not to end a sentence with a preposition. Perhaps 'other extravagances in which she could indulge' or 'other extravagances to which she could treat herself.' Just one of my niggles.

Nice work!


dharker at 12:56 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks Sandra! Yes - Steven Gately of Boyzone died of Acid Reflux... so yes its a real possibility! I take your point about the trailing preposition - I have a look at reworking that bit!
Dave

Bunbry at 16:30 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
This is the last time I'll mention it Dave, promise, but five ellipsis and four exclamation marks in a 300 word story??!!

That aside, it really is on the money - a nice set up with a killer ending - a cracker.

Nick



tusker at 17:46 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Oh God!! I didn't know you could die that way.

Great story, Dave. Yoululled me into her comfort zone then wham!

I won't be indulging myself anymore apart from a glass, 2 or 3 of red wine.

Thank goodness I'm not a choco fan.

Jennifer

dharker at 18:12 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Thanks Nick and Jennifer! Nick please do keep mentioning when I overindulge! I need to control my urges! Lol!

dharker at 12:00 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
I'm on my way to Berlin for a few days so may not be able to respond as quickly as I would like
Dave

V`yonne at 13:55 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
Well - you misdirected well. I thought she wasn't going to die after all. And yes that acid reflux thing is a problem for people with hiatus hernia... Nick is right about overdoing the punctuation but this is a really good one David I enjoyed it.

Manusha at 19:22 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
I liked how I'd been lulled into forgetfulness of the death card by the time she fell asleep, I was having a good evening too! A rude awakening it was then to remember death could come into such a moment. Really liked the punchline, 'sadly she died on her own indulgence'.

About the ellipses, I must admit I'd glossed over them till Nick pointed them out. I used to do the same, but when going back over my writing realised the trusty comma could do most of the work, with an ellipse a rarity.

Cheers for the flash, but I wonder now, should I have that next glass of wine...

Andy

tractor at 17:31 on 04 December 2010  Report this post
Hi David,

nice tale. Like the idea of sweet indulgences inducing an acidic death.

Cheers

Mark

Prospero at 10:43 on 05 December 2010  Report this post
I enjoyed this very much, Dave, though I do agree with the caveats regarding the ellipsi, the exclamation marks and the preposition. There is no pedant like an old pedant.

Best

Prosp


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