Login   Sign Up 



 

Snow

by LMJT 

Posted: 01 December 2010
Word Count: 333
Summary: For the week 333 challenge.


Font Size
 


Printable Version
Print Double spaced


Hara’s dreams of home were shattered by the smash of breaking glass.

She sat up in horror, her heart racing against her chest. It was half-three in the morning and she’d been asleep for just 40 minutes. Saeed lay undisturbed beside her, his breath slow and steady.

An icy breeze blew through the window and for a split second Hara was confused. It was mid-December and snow had fallen for the last three days. Why would the window be open?

It wasn’t till she stepped out of bed that she understood; a shard of ice cold glass pierced her bed-warm skin.

The pain made her yelp, waking Saeed.

‘What?’ He switched on the bedside lamp. ‘What is it?’

‘They’ve smashed the window,’ she said.

She sat on the side of the bed and winced as she pulled the sliver from the arch of her foot.

‘No,’ Saeed said. ‘No. Not again.’

He crossed the room and gingerly pulled back the curtain just a fraction; enough to see, but not be seen.

Though he was lit only by the dim glow of the lamp, Hara was struck by how diminished he seemed: his shoulders hunched, his head cowed. She looked away. The man she married would have chased the perpetrators down the street, would have fought for their safety, for justice. This man fought for nothing.

‘We can’t live like this,’ he said.

Hara closed her eyes. A 12 hour shift at the warehouse always left her aching with fatigue. They could talk in the morning. Right now, she needed sleep.

‘Come back to bed,’ she said.

Saeed didn't move from the window, didn't turn to look at her.

‘We could go home,’ Saeed said.

Ignoring him, Hara took a tissue from the box on the floor and pressed it against the cut in her foot.

She watched Saeed board up the window in silence.

The realisation that they were no safer here than home settled in her mind like snow on the rooftops.







Favourite this work Favourite This Author


Comments by other Members



dharker at 20:00 on 01 December 2010  Report this post
A sad tale Liam. You capture the decline of Saeed's spirit under the pressure of discrimination and Hara's realisation that her erstwhile hero was a mere mortal after all. A great story well told - thank you!
Dave

tusker at 07:22 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
A thoughtful but frightening piece, Liam.

It brings out the fear of the couple. How they sought to escape from persecution only for it to find them again.

Sad reflecton too on how the man she'd once known had had his soul diminished together with the bodily weakness of age.

Loved: 'settled in her mind like snow on the rooftops.'

Jennifer

V`yonne at 10:52 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Oh my did that last nail it! This is beautifully drawn and so terribly sad - how many lives have been ruined by that kind of perscectuion and how hard it is the fight it. This is horror as stark realism.

Desormais at 12:39 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Enjoyed this. Good hook right at the beginning, and very sad at the end with a brilliant final line.

Sandr

Bunbry at 16:38 on 02 December 2010  Report this post
Liam this is great, some great phrases and superb atmosphere. But I'm going to disagree with the others about the final line, which for me was too much tell. It was a great sentiment but I'm just not sure about the delivery of it.

Nick

V`yonne at 13:58 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
The end worked okay for here. If you were sending this out - Static Movement or The Pygmy Giant? I'd go for this:

She watched Saeed board up the window and their silence deepened like snow on the rooftops.


<Added>

PS You can steal that :)

Manusha at 22:33 on 03 December 2010  Report this post
The pains that come upon Hara all in those short moments really enforce her hopelessness, the shard of glass, the loss of her husband's stature, her fatigue from the 12-hour shift and ultimately the insecurity of the place she had hoped would be home.

Though I don't see this story in the genre of horror exactly, it wonderfully illustrates the real horrors that occur around us daily. Though unseen by many eyes, how truly horrific such moments must be to those who experience them.

The last line left me with Hara's sense of despair. Does it give too much tell? Not sure, but it's far too an evocative a line to lose.

The fun of the english language is that it's so malleable and plastic, so here's my two-pennies worth (and in respect, I tried to keep it to the word count of 333!):

In silence, she watched Saeed board up the window. No safer were they here than at home.

Within, her despair settled yet deeper, like snow upon the rooftops.

A haunting and thought provoking piece, Liam.

tractor at 17:15 on 04 December 2010  Report this post
Hi Liam,

horror stark in its potential reality.Good stuff.

Cheers

Mark

Prospero at 10:49 on 05 December 2010  Report this post
It is a sad reflection on our times that man's inhumanity to man persists and persecution follows people who have done nothing more than to be born in the wrong place or with the wrong skin colour. A telling tale, well told.

Best

Prosp


To post comments you need to become a member. If you are already a member, please log in .