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London
Posted: 15 November 2010
Word Count: 100
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City of London, vibrant and diverse, stirs and wakes. John showers and dresses, his management buy-out today. Hurrying for the early train, he sees the feral fox abandon the streets as sunlight creeps over the city. Noise and nitrous fumes return to pollute the yellowed air and stain the sullied walls.
Standing room only, his overcrowded train clatters and teeters over ever failing points. Windblown litter skitters and catches along streets cankered by urban decay.
Finally disgorged at London Bridge he scurries past the Tower.
Precious history seeps from every wall and door, but he’s far too busy to see.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 16:12 on 15 November 2010
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I think you did well to hit the word count David but really all this needs is for you to see a single character and map his way through this scene. He has a name - Dave perhaps... He is a certain age and has a certain problem. Maybe he has no time to stop. Maybe he has his own agenda. Is he going to work too or...what?
Now
London, vibrant and diverse, stirs and wakes. Dave readies himself for another bustling day.
Then instead of a description you are into a person's story...
Go ahead and revise it. I'll take another looks - lots of us will!
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 dharker at 19:38 on 15 November 2010
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Many thanks Ooonah!
Excellent advice and guidance as ever - I truly appreciate you taking the time. I've taken your suggestion on board... would be interested to know if I'm nearer the mark?
Dave
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 Elbowsnitch at 07:29 on 16 November 2010
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this is great, dave - concise, clear, evocative and vivid - i would only question whether you need the word 'Finally'?
Frances
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dharker at 07:38 on 16 November 2010
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Hi Frances
Having done it for 2 and a half years, I wanted to convey the tedium and discomfort of commuter trains into London... so used Finally because that was what I felt when at last we got to the London terminal...
Welcome your thoughts
Dave
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Crimsondelilah at 11:48 on 17 November 2010
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This works for me Dave and you convey the relentless tedium of the commuter journey well. I think I might have used the line beginning 'Windblown litter' to further describe/emphasise John's discomfort in the carriage rather than what's going on outside because 'yellowed air' and 'sullied walls' is already to suggestive of urban decay. It's almost like you're repeating yourself. The last line really resonates with me. Mornings spent filing out of Liverpool Street station like an automaton. I do not miss them.
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dharker at 17:31 on 17 November 2010
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Thanks Margaret!
I just remember the nitrous smell and taste was particularly bad this time of year when inversion layers kept the traffic fumes close to the ground...
Dave
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tusker at 14:42 on 19 November 2010
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Really enjoyed this, Dave.
In so few words, you brought out the smell and frantic futility of city life.
Jennifer
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 Prospero at 21:30 on 19 November 2010
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Good one, Dave.
Took me right back to my days on the commute.
Best
Prosp
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dharker at 22:00 on 19 November 2010
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Thanks for your encouragement Oonah! and thanks for your comments Caroline, Prosp and Jennifer! Just loving this forum... and still in awe of you all!  )
Dave
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dharker at 21:35 on 20 November 2010
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Thanks Pete... when Ooonah set this challenge I couldn't have imagined how hard it would be! And then so many fantastic entries flood in....
Dave
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 crowspark at 14:34 on 22 November 2010
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Well done Dave. This took me back to the 60s when I commuted to London. So much to see if only we weren't too busy to see it.
Bill
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