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Folly Head

by dharker 

Posted: 12 November 2010
Word Count: 496


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“Come on Susi! That last bit of cake this morning holding you back?”

“James! You cheeky sod! I’ll get there when I get there! And for the record it was you that had the last croissant!” she grinned,

Susi puffed her way up the track, red in the face and not a little out of breath. Wisps of auburn hair stuck to her brow and a bead of perspiration made a run for it down her cheek.

James smiled and took his girlfriend by the hand. Moving on, they found themselves looking over an old pond; in its prime a beautiful artefact planned and executed by Capability Brown, now a stinking mess of fallen branches leaves and pond weed. And beyond lay Folly Head; It had been a major house, commandeered and used as a military hospital during the Second World War, then a boarding school and lastly a mental institute until the mid 60’s when it was finally closed down.

Now abandoned and devastated by time and vandals, it looked a sorry mess. Only a small part of the roof remained - the rest a charred mess of timbers and overgrowing Ivy. Smoke stains climbed from the upper windows, which in turn punctuated the red brick facade like broken teeth. James looked up and smiled at the irony he saw in the melted, rusted fire escapes that blighted those once beautiful walls, then raised his camera. Click! The image stored for posterity.

The smell of decay scented the air and dusty motes danced like flies in the still air. Far off a pair of magpies cackled and chattered at each other. A feeling of gloom and depression settled over them and Susi shivered involuntarily. She had the strongest feeling that they were not alone.

“James… I reeeeally don’t like this” she whispered, clutching at his arm.

“Don’t be daft Susi” replied James, “it’s just an old house. What's the worst that could happen? Come on let’s take a look around”

Then off he wandered, Susi following reluctantly behind.

He found the cellar door almost by accident. Out of curiosity he twisted the handle and slowly it creaked open, daylight revealing stairs leading down into a dimly lit room.

“Hey Susi! Come and take a look at this!”

“What’s up? Oh James! I’m not coming down there!”

“It’s just SO weird Susi, come on down and take a look“

“Well OK… if you’re sure…” and she crept timidly down the stairs.

She found James in the middle of a large room. There was light from a source that they couldn’t identify but it was enough to highlight the object of James’ fascination. In the middle of the room was a circle of 5 chairs, all pointing outwards and each at the point of a badly scribbled pentagram.

Somewhere far away they heard a loud crash followed by the sound of manic whispering.
The cellar door slammed shut.
and the lights went out.
and Susi felt sick.






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Comments by other Members



Neezes at 00:17 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Scary! Really great description of the setting, David, really vivid. I would have liked to read on a little bit more, but that's a good thing!
Jonathan

Desormais at 10:42 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
You set the scene very nicely Dave, though I think it needs to go a bit further, or perhaps be a bit more explicit at the end to achieve its full potential.

Some bits that jarred:

Once a major house


downwards leading stairs.


Sooty smoke marks


I think there are better ways of describing these.

And for the record it was you that had the last croissant!” she grinned,

I'm always being criticised for using dialogue tags, so I'm passing it on, even though I find it very hard to eliminate this from my own work.

The punctuation needs another 'coat of looking at' as my Dad used to say.

I hope I'm not sounding negative. I do think it's got a lot of promise as a preamble to something longer. Well done.

Bunbry at 11:15 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Great plot Dave, I was with you all the way. But it would benefit from a couple of changes in my opinion - eg.

You use lots of exclamation marks (one even after a whisper) and I'd try not to use more than two (max) in a short story like this, otherwise they become 'devalued'. The same with elipses (...) you have millions of them!! One per story is too many in my book.

Finally, try and cut out redundant speech to make what the characters say stronger. eg

“Come on Susi! That last bit of cake this morning holding you back? Seriously though, the lights not looking too clever and I want a good look around…”

“James! You cheeky sod! I’ll get there when I get there! And for the record it was you that had the last croissant!” she grinned,


could become "Come on, Susi."
"You cheeky sod!" without losing anything.

Similarly I think you could easily lose
“What’s up?” then, “I’m not coming down there James!”

“It’s completely weird Susi… come on… “

See what the others say but I think with snappier dialogue this will be a cracker!

Nick


dharker at 12:49 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Brilliant comments everyone with some great and positive suggestions that I'll work on. Silly question folks - I tend to use "..." to denote a pause in the dialogue, Is there a better way to do this?

Dave

dharker at 13:03 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
I've done a bit of a rework taking some of your suggestions on board. Hope you feel it's a little improved!

Sandra - I didn't take your comments as being negative at all! I much prefer it when I do things wrong and folks are kind enough to correct me. I'm not sure I understand "dialogue tags" - could you kindly explain?

I'm still very much the novice with a huge amount to learn - and somewhat in awe of the standard of work others post!

Dave

Bunbry at 13:56 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Dave, I usually find commas are enough. ie
“Well OK… if you’re sure…” and she crept timidly
could become "Well, ok, if you are sure."

More pause needed, use a full stop. "Well ok. If you are sure."

Even more pause?! Try - "Well, ok." Susi paused a second. "If you are sure."

Just try and keep it simple, that way the writing almost becomes invisible and the reader just gets lost in the story.

Hope this helps.

Nick

Desormais at 14:49 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Well, the way I've had it explained to me.... and I could be wrong here (did you see the pause there? ) it's using alternative verbs to the simple "said". I was (and still am) in the habit of using phrases like "what are you doing" she bellowed or "get out" she hissed. Apparently, (I'm told) editors believe it to be slightly amateurish, and prefer the simple "said", which, they say, tends to be relatively invisible when used frequently.

I'm not greatly convinced by this line of thinking, but I do see that it can be argued that it's not possible to 'hiss' the phrase 'get out' in the same way that you could hiss say 'sod off' or similar. In the same way, I don't think it's possible to grin "and for the record you had the last croissant."

I'd be interested to know what others think about the use/abuse of dialogue tags. Maybe they can offer a better conviction than I can.

tusker at 15:15 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
I really enjoyed this, Dave.

I love a creepy story and this is at its creepiest.

The others have made the right comments. Just a bit of pruning to be done and I'm sure you'll find a home for it.

As far as Sandra's musing is concerned, when I started writing, back in the days of pen and quill, they liked, for instance, she bellowed, roared and other such dialogue tags.


Now they want the simpler form. But, I still use them occasionally. I like to use for example, 'James, I won't do it,' she said, her voice low with threat.

Writing is like cooking. You can cook the same ingredients without adding herbs or spices, and the meal is bland.

As long as the script isn't peppered with too much of the above, I think the usage is ok.

It's all a matter of taste. If a writer is writing a story based back in say the 19th century, dialoge would be different and so would the tags.

See what the others say.

Jennifer

V`yonne at 17:46 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
I think it needs a bit more ending and the preamble needs to say something about the story so I didn't quite see the point of the cake and croissants bit. In longer fiction you can put that kind of thing in but if it's there in flash - use it - if you can.
Somewhere far away they heard a loud crash
followed by vague and indecipherable whisperings. (Now I need to know something about those voices...)
The cellar door slammed shut
- avoid 'then' as much as poss...
and the lights went out.
Now maybe she feels sick?

dharker at 19:22 on 13 November 2010  Report this post
Thanks Oonah! Your suggestions make it so much more of a story! Getting spooked here myself!

Dave

crowspark at 05:53 on 14 November 2010  Report this post
Hi Dave

You have had a lot of great advice already. I agree, lots of great scene setting which eats up your word allocation leaving your otherwise excellent ending just a bit thin.

Regarding speech tags, they can waste words unless a specific tag helps the reader. I would use with caution.

Another enjoyable read.

Bill

Elbowsnitch at 07:33 on 14 November 2010  Report this post
Dave - some wonderful and really gripping descriptions of the house and its surroundings. Not sure about the ending, though - it's a bit too much standard horror / Aleistair Crowley stuff for my liking.

I think James smiles a bit too much at the beginning - also I'd take out 'she grinned' and run the third paragraph straight on from the second.

Frances


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