Beep
Posted: 31 October 2010
Word Count: 304
Summary: A tale of locked-in syndrome...
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Rob felt the cotton sheets against his naked chest, their smooth starchiness in sharp contrast with the itchy, prickly woollen blanket where his hands lay.
An antiseptic smell took its turn to grab his attention, then warmth against his cheek. Something dripped onto his lip and slowly filtered through to his tongue, the salty taste tantalising in its richness. A sob from somewhere close by. Breath on his cheek.
Beep!… Beep! … Beep! The sound grated, an assault on his eardrums, like smashing glass…
“Too loud! Somebody turn that bloody racket down!” He tried to shout, then
“That’s odd? I can't hear my voice?”
He tried opening his eyes, but for some reason they too seemed not to work.
“What the hell!”
The pieces started to fit, the starched sheets, the smell, the sounds, the catch at the back of his throat that MUST be a nasal drip. Hospital?
“Hello! What happened? Why am I here?"
again silence where his voice should have been.
Then the sound of movement and voices, muffled until now, came crashing into clarity. A touch on his face, then another; a young, tired voice intoned
“Eyes fixed and dilated, EEG shows no activity”,
Then another, older voice...
“I’m terribly sorry Mrs. Collins, we’ve done all we can for your son. With no discernible brain function, the ventilator’s all that’s been keeping him alive. There’s nothing more we can do."
A badly stifled sob followed by the sound of tissues being pulled from their box. Another sob followed, then the older voice continued,
"Can I have your permission to switch it off?"
“Oh dear God....
No!
I'm here!
I’m alive!
Someone!
Anyone!
Mum!
Say No!
Please?”
“Yes… of course... thank you for all you tried to do for him…”
CLICK
and his senses,
one by one,
slowly,
faded,
away.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
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Comments by other Members
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 crowspark at 13:16 on 01 November 2010
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This is excellent, Dave. Straight into the action and including the noise of the beep, touch, smell taste.
Great ending.
Loved it!
Bill
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 Bunbry at 20:36 on 01 November 2010
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Sorry Dave this is not really for me, partly because of the paradoxical stiuation you have presented. How can anyone know the thoughts of a man in a coma who dies before regaining consciousness?
And I'm no expert, but a man who's mind is so active would surely have enough 'brain activity' to register on an EEG, and its absence needs explaining to make the story work for me.
Things got a bit repetative at times too What happened? Why am I here? What’s happening to me?”
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I think, "What's happening to me?" would surfice.
and “OH DEAR GOD NO!
I’M ALIVE!
SOMEONE!
ANYONE!
I’M HERE!
MUM!
SAY NO!
PLEASE!”
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Similarly just, "Oh dear God, no!" (not in caps!) would, I think, do the job.
Sorry to not be more positive.
Nick
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 dharker at 20:57 on 01 November 2010
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Thanks Bill and Nick for taking the time to comment. Please don't apologise Nick - I completely agree that I have gone beyond normal scientific certainties here. Your insight and thoughts are always inciteful and useful to me.
I guess my premis is do we really know what life is? and where its boundaries lie? How many times do we hear tales of out of body experiences and of people in a "coma" who unbeknown to anyone are completely aware of the things going on around them? Science still can't prove nor deny the truth behind these experiences. I just wanted to explore this idea and imagine how it would be. A by product of this "exploration" highlights perhaps the damage we do in our ignorance.
Dave
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dharker at 21:15 on 01 November 2010
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... and my first ever attempt at a horror story of sorts! LOL!
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 Cholero at 23:09 on 01 November 2010
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I enjoyed this Dave, nicely paced (as usual) and a simple idea really well executed.
Maybe try it without
[quote]and his senses …
one by one…
slowly switched off[/quote
or maybe not.
Thanks for the read.
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 Desormais at 08:37 on 02 November 2010
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I thought it was very good Dave. Straight in, a lot of tactile stuff at the beginning.
Bit of a conflict here, I thought:
| He tried opening his eyes, but for some reason they seemed intent on another duvet day. |
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then
| “Eyes fixed and dilated, EEG shows no activity”, |
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I didn't mind the Oh My God et seq phrases, just not in caps for me.
And I loved the ending!
Very well done. You might want to try it with Micro Horror, though maybe you'd have to work the horror up a bit more. You'd have 666 words to do it. But then again, I wonder whether some of the inherent horror might be diluted by extending it. It's worth a try though.
Very well done, as usual.
Sandra
<Added>
and a spelling glitch: repetitive :)
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dharker at 09:56 on 02 November 2010
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Thanks Sandra! With the eyes I was thinking about paralysis and how we automatically assume that when we want to use muscles they will just work (which is why he thought he shouted and was surprised when nothing happened). At that moment also he was still unaware he was in hospital.
I think the use of caps was a feeble attempt at portraying his mental shouting and his
horror. I'd love peoples thoughts and comments on how best to do this?
Again thank you for commenting... I want to be a better writer and this really helps!
Dave
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dharker at 12:57 on 02 November 2010
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I've taken on board some of your suggestions and reworked this slightly... I think it's improved it so Thank You!
Sandra - I've registered with MicroHorror and submitted it... here's hoping it makes the grade!
Dave
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Neezes at 14:36 on 02 November 2010
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I liked it a lot, Dave - I thought the repetition worked well to evoke a sense of panic.
Jonathan
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 Catkin at 23:44 on 02 November 2010
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Sorry I'm late - I've been unable to access WW for over 24 hours (didn't work for me: getting "gateway timeout" messages).
Is it awful to get crits when you have already sent something off?
Anyway, I think this is good: clearly and cleanly written, and I like the way that the reader realises what's going on at the same time Rob does.
I have no problem at all with the idea of knowing what's in the mind of someone coming out of a coma; it worked for me.
My suggestions for improvement are to remove the end bit, and have it end at "CLICK"; and I found the use of the word "thanks" by Rob's significant other was just too casual. I would change it to "thank you", at least, but I felt it needed just a little bit more. Some expression of pain or regret. This line is all you have of the process of making this very difficult decision, and it seems too quick.
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dharker at 08:26 on 03 November 2010
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It may be a little late Catkin but great feedback as ever! Great point about his mothers words - I'll rework it a bit!
Thank You!
Dave
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tusker at 15:08 on 03 November 2010
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I enjoyed this story, Dave.
I can see the poor man and feel his panic.
I agree with you, no one knows what happens and indeed was told by a nurse to keep talking as hearing is the last sense to go despite the patient appearing to be unaware of their surroundings and unable to communicate. To me this means that person is able to think and absorb.
So I kept talking and hoped that my words were being heard.
Jennifer
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 GaiusCoffey at 09:46 on 04 November 2010
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Hi Dave,
Hope you don't mind a drive-by crit! Read this because I saw Nick's thread.
Scary concept and well done too, so very much enjoyed. However, the first two paragraphs were not so easy to get into and, just as a suggestion, I think it might work as well or better to omit them and start with the beeps.
Thanks for the read,
Gaius
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dharker at 10:07 on 04 November 2010
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Hi Gaius!
I don't mind any critique - drive-by, over the counter, good or bad! LOL! I just appreciate peoples comments on my work!
The first couple of paragraphs are there as part of the weeks challenge - to explore the senses. I also wanted to put Rob into context. His heightened state of touch and taste and hearing start here.
Glad you liked the piece and maybe you'll enjoy some of my current or future work!
Cheers
Dave
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Elbowsnitch at 19:36 on 04 November 2010
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Really good, Dave - I love that final extended Beep and the shorter form makes a good title. I also really like
| “Yes… of course... thank you for all you tried to do for him….” |
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Not sure about
| then “That’s odd? Nothing came out?” |
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- could you rephrase this in indirect speech, perhaps?
An excellent response to the challenge!
Frances
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choille at 21:06 on 04 November 2010
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Hi Dave - I enjoyed this & read it all the way through, which isn't somethingthat happens all the time.
It has enough hook to pull the reader through to find out what is happening & going to happen.
I did think that the (patient's) dialogue could be shaved down a ittle at the end but that's just me being picky.
Graet flash.
All the best
Caroline.
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 euclid at 17:04 on 04 February 2012
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Talk about being late to the party! It's been over a year since this piece first appeared.
I wondered if you could work an angle in there that the doctor knows the patient is still mentally active and wants to pull the plug for his own selfish reasons. The doctor could be lying about the EEG traces etc.
Just a thought.
JJ
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 Manusha at 22:11 on 05 February 2012
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Hi Dave,
Firstly, I have to say that I don’t understand all the technicalities of writing, but I can’t see why a story can’t end this way. Otherwise it means that some stories can’t be told. Instinctively, I just can’t accept that. We are reading the narration of what the MC sees through his POV, we’re not the character. So when the MC dies the narration ends, but only because there is nothing else to report from the MC.
Rob felt the cotton sheets against his naked chest, their smooth starchiness in sharp contrast with the itchy, prickly woollen blanket where his hands lay.
An antiseptic smell took its turn to grab his attention, then warmth against his cheek. Something dripped onto his lip and slowly filtered through to his tongue, the salty taste tantalising in its richness. A sob from somewhere close by. Breath on his cheek. |
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Great description. So many senses brought into play. ;
“Too loud! Somebody turn that bloody racket down!” He tried to shout, then
“That’s odd? I can't hear my voice?”
Perhaps if this part started with, He tried to shout, “Too loud! Somebody turn that bloody racket down!” you could end with him realising he couldn’t hear his voice.
| The pieces started to fit, the starched sheets, the smell, the sounds, the catch at the back of his throat that MUST be a nasal drip. Hospital? |
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Just a suggestion: The pieces started to fit, the starched sheets, the smell, the sounds. The catch at the back of his throat. Was it a nasal drip? Hospital?
Regards, Andy
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Comments by other Members
can't find it now, must be having a brainstorm
