Love You Baby
Posted: 27 October 2010
Word Count: 215
Summary: For Bill's 'Love' Challenge
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Every day, he uttered words of love. Dark hair, sultry eyes and a generous mouth curved into a smile at Sylvia’s attempts at dancing. At night, she’d kiss his lips and he would smile that heart churning smile which left her feeling dizzy like her head was spinning in pink candy floss.
He watched her grow in both mind and body. Daily, she’d share her secret thoughts, plans and hates with him but he never mocked or chided. He promised love, many times, in his own special way. Then Sylvia met someone else and they drifted apart. When that love and other loves died natural deaths, she always returned to him and, as he listened to her woes, his brown-eyed gaze seemed to absorb all her emotional pain.
One day, Sylvia met someone special and fell in love; a love of a very different kind and her old passion was almost forgotten, but now and again, she caught sight of him. Heard his voice reminding her of those many hours they’d once shared closeted away in her bedroom. Then on August 16th, 1977, Sylvia heard the tragic news. Elvis Presley, had died.
On hearing the news, she wept over the death of her teenage idol as her three children asked, ‘Mummy? Why are you crying?’
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Comments by other Members
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 dharker at 14:58 on 27 October 2010
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Simply fabulous Jennifer! I love your twist... Some great language in here
Dave
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 Desormais at 16:46 on 27 October 2010
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Loved this Jennifer. The ending took me by surprise - I'd been thinking it was the girl's father for a while.
Then on August 16th, 1977, Sylvia heard the tragic news. Elvis Presley, had died.
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I think this line was a bit factual, a bit unpoetic after the earlier style. But maybe that's what you intended it to be. Perhaps you could have left the revelation of the name to the last line. Just a thought. But I enjoyed it very much.
Sandra
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 tusker at 17:01 on 27 October 2010
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Thanks David and Sandra.
I adored Elvis. Had many posters of him in my bedroom and pretended he was actually there!! My mother hated him which, in turn, made me love him more.
Gave up on pop idols when I met hubby at the age of 16.
Jennifer
<Added>
Thanks for the suggestion, Sandra.
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Elbowsnitch at 06:54 on 28 October 2010
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Great flash, Jennifer! I don't think you need a comma in 'Elvis Presley had died' - but you might consider inserting one after 'choked' in the last sentence.
I love
| like her head was spinning in pink candy floss |
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Frances
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 Catkin at 13:38 on 28 October 2010
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Great twist! Really good idea for a flash.
I thought it was her father, too, so it struck me as a bit creepy and disturbing that a child was kissing her father on the lips. Maybe if you could remove the idea that she's a child, and make it seem as though this is a young teenager with her first proper boyfriend, that would work better?
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tusker at 14:09 on 28 October 2010
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Thanks Catkin.
She was a child of around 10/11. He watched her grow into a teenager.
I doubt her parents would've allowed a boy in her bedroom at night or day. Not back in the late 50's and early 60's.
Jennifer
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 Bunbry at 12:06 on 30 October 2010
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Good to see you writing again Jennifer! This had a great twist, but I don't think you need this line Too choked she was unable to reply.
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as the power in the story comes from the line before. Cracking!
Nick
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tusker at 15:16 on 30 October 2010
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Thanks Nick.
Glad you liked it. I agree with you about the ending. Will cut it out.
I have been writing. Got sort of sidetracked with poetry, which I've always wanted to do but not had the confidence to do it, but now it's grown into an addiction.
Jennifer
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.jpg) Jubbly at 17:54 on 30 October 2010
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Great stuff Jennifer, a good idea which lends to a briliant twist. I felt the same only a few weeks later about Marc Bolan, those feelings are so intense. Well done.
Julie
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 crowspark at 22:59 on 30 October 2010
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I really enjoyed this, Jennifer. You deal with a subject which has a big identification factor for many readers and you handle it well.
I thought it was about a poster early on so maybe you could play with this a little more and reflect it back at the end. Perhaps she cries over the crumpled old poster or something better?
Just a thought.
Thanks for the read.
Bill
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