Mea Culpa

The Bhudda said that ‘craving is like drinking sea water’ so why, as I tread my weary way through the lanes, avenues and closes of life, do I still crave answers to the imponderables
Such as –

When God made the Highland midgie why did he encourage Scotsmen to wear kilts?

Why, when the female is increasingly dominant over the male, are all of them completely incapable of,
- refolding a newspaper
- inserting toilet rolls the right way round?
- driving without braking?

Why is it that the French are arrogant but ineffectual; the Germans like to strut and occupy sun-beds; Americans are obese and totally money-orientated; Russians are sinister , wicked wodka swillers; Japanese are only on this planet to take digi photos of themselves in front of world-famed monuments; Chinese are inscrutable but all of them have jaundice; English are effete and prefer warm beer;
But the Scots are just perfect!
Why is that?

When God made ‘man’ why on earth did he decide to use the same orificii for the removal of waste liquids also for the procreation of the species?

What force of nature requires that - when a perfectly fried organic egg is gently laid on a piece of crisp Ayrshire bacon laid on well-toasted plain loaf- it slides from the edge of the pan and lands yolk down on the kitchen floor?

What would life on this wee planet be like if the Earth stopped wobbling?
- flat, still oceans,
- no winds, so no rain,
- eternal, motionless apathy.

What kind of vomit-inspired humour makes a young teenage youth’s down- fuzzed face erupt in suppurating mini-Icelandics while hormones surge through his lean fit body?

Why? was the chicken’s coop not subjected to an Elf and Safety assessment - they should never be out loose crossing roads!

“Ian have you been at the Old Pultney again?”
”Yes Jean, Mea Culpa!


Ian, Fernbank, July 2010