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Tomb of Ice
Posted: 19 August 2010
Word Count: 67
Summary: For Findy's Fire and Ice
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Sealed within that
icy tomb from
where he defied her
cruel enchanted
resistance,
his soul watches
blizzards sweep above
his frozen head to gather
among rocky
crevices.
No burning pyre for
that man of chance.
No casket of wood to
inter him.
No mourners to sing of
his violent passing but
still perfect
his body lies
where Nature rules,
giving vent to her fury;
her powerful frustration.
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Comments by other Members
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 V`yonne at 08:36 on 19 August 2010
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Now that icy tomb thing is a good idea, Jennifer. Did you ever watch ice mummies? You could try one about them! I'll get back later on this - swimswimswim ;
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 tusker at 09:01 on 19 August 2010
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Will wait with bated breath, Oonah.
I remember, not so long ago, a programme about a few dead climbers still on Everest. They found one well preserved. Too high for the fallen to be carried down so the poor men are left.
Jennifer
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Nella at 20:48 on 19 August 2010
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Love these lines, Jennifer:
No burning pyre for
that man of chance.
No casket of wood to
inter him. |
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Given your background info: very good. At first I liked the sound, but didn't quite get the sense. But, as said, the background info helped then to get the sense.
Robin
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V`yonne at 22:33 on 19 August 2010
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I like the second verse best because it leaves the realm of fantasy and could actually be!
I'd play around real stories with this and leave the fantasy out - make it a real situation...
My favourite part is here
No mourners to sing of
his violent passing but
still perfect
his body lies
where Nature rules,
giving vent to her fury;
her powerful frustration. |
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tusker at 07:07 on 20 August 2010
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Thanks Oonah and Robin.
So maybe I should leave out the first verse?
Jennifer
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V`yonne at 10:10 on 20 August 2010
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It's got some good bits too, Jennifer. Redydle is my advice - change its focus to a real incident. google some frozen bodies and see what you come up with and then adapt it...
<Added>
or in your head remake the story and adapt form that...
<Added>
'for
that man of chance.'
stood out for me - I wanted to know why he was a man of chance. Remember see a prog about a man who drove cattle across a high pass every year and eventually didn't make it and was found in the permafrost when the ice melted.
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Findy at 18:37 on 21 August 2010
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Agree with the others, the second para is beautiful, loved it.
This confused me in the first part -
where he defied her
cruel enchanted |
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I was thinking wife, mother, some woman in his life, when I think you mean mother nature,am I right?
Remember seeing something about this on TV, some climbers caught in an avalanche and found many years later perfectly preserved - chilling!
findy
<Added>
sorry, I meant, remember seeing something like this on TV...I think I should go to sleep now.
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tusker at 07:12 on 22 August 2010
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Thanks Findy.
Yes, it's about those climbers.
I will play round with it and follow everyone's suggestions. I really need feed-back with poetry.
Jennifer
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V`yonne at 17:29 on 22 August 2010
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Ah! so
where he defied her
cruel enchanted |
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isn't fantasy!
I think that's where it needs sorting out, Jennifer.
I think you need to write down in plain terms what you meant:
He defied nature because he his body was preserved?
Nature held him as if enchanted in her grip?
Put that bit into plain words and then we'll all work on ways to peoticise it 
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tusker at 19:24 on 22 August 2010
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Thanks Oonah. I'll try to whip up a better version in the week.
Jennifer
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 joanie at 08:34 on 23 August 2010
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Hi Jennifer. I've read everyone's comments as I'm late reading this, and would agree that there needs to be some explanation. I don't think anyone mentioned the title; you could include something there to make it clearer, perhaps.
Sealed within Nature's
icy tomb from
where he defied Her
cruel enchanted
resistance, |
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makes it easier already.
I keep thinking of 'Everest - ever rest' but that's a bit corny, I think!
An excellent topic, I thought. I look forward to reading your next version!
joanie
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tusker at 14:55 on 23 August 2010
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Thanks Joanie.
It'll take a while but I'll get there.
Jennifer
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 FelixBenson at 16:13 on 23 August 2010
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Hi Jennifer
This is good, just needs the odd tweak (and you've had some great advice which i agree with too). the rest of it works very well. I like the way it appears on the page - like a sheer rock, and the short lines, all fitting very well with the theme.
Enjoyed!
Kirsty
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