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The Invisible Woman

by Desormais 

Posted: 24 July 2010
Word Count: 250


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Marion waited in the beer-garden for someone to take her order. At fifty nine she was accustomed to being invisible, but still it rankled.

Perspiration trickled from her hairline and beneath her drooping breasts. If she were to go to the bar herself, she suspected she would leave a damp patch on the cloth- covered seat of her chair.

And no doubt someone would take her table. Though not her chair.

Where could Edith be? This was late, even by Edith’s standards. Almost twenty minutes past the hour.

Sighing, she glanced down at her feet, red and swollen in their strappy leather sandals, unsightly veins standing out in bold relief. Was there any part of her, she thought sadly, that withstood examination these days? How different it had once been.

She observed young women chatting at tables nearby, cool in their sleeveless, low-cut dresses, keenly aware that her ravaged chest and sagging upper arms precluded such comfortable attire. Sensing, rather than actually seeing a woman at the next table looking sympathetically at her, she fingered damp tendrils of hair off her neck.

Did Edith ever consider, she wondered, that the implicit message of her perpetual tardiness was that in some way, Marion’s time was less valuable than her own?

Suddenly, picking up her handbag, she hurried out of the garden and went home.

Ten minutes later, Edith arrived, flushed and breathless.

“Was my friend here? Short woman, curly grey hair.”

“No,” came the universal response, “haven’t seen anybody like that.”






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Comments by other Members



Elbowsnitch at 11:37 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Great ending, Sandra - it's as though Marion has become a sort of living ghost! Poor lady. Although earlier she does see a woman at the next table looking sympathetically at her - wouldn't that woman remember her?

An excellent response to the Torrid prompt!

Frances

<Added>

Can really feel the heat and her physical discomfort!

tusker at 11:47 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Excellent, Sandra.

Once seen then instantly forgotten.

Those bloody hot flushes!! Those down days on the point of despair, wanting to crawl into a hole and hide away forever.

Poor woman. Time to go to H&M. Throw away the old clothes and bring new into her life and colour her hair.

Jennifer

Desormais at 11:54 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks Frances and Jennifer.

Marion only senses the woman looking at her, sensing pity. She doesn't actually see her. And the last line suggests that the woman wasn't in fact looking, or if she was, she didn't remember her.

Even her own friend can only describe her as "short with grey curly hair".

I felt really hot just writing this ; Not to mention depressed!

Bunbry at 12:07 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
This is very good indeed, you have captured the woman's plight and dismay well.

This didn't quite read properly to me
that the implicit message of her perpetual tardiness was that in some way, Marion’s time was less valuable than her own?

Might be worth having another look at it.

Nick

Findy at 12:55 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Wow, you can acutally feel the heat, lovely response.

Poor Marion, hope she turns around her life somehow.

findy

fairyhedgehog at 13:42 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Oh ouch! This is too close to home!

I really liked this. For me there were just a couple of places where it seemed to flow less well. One was How different it had once been, where the rythm didn't quite work for me for some reason.

The other was the word precluded which stumbled me although I'm not sure why. I think it may be rhythm again.

Other than those two tiny nitpicks, I thought it was great writing. I wish it had had a happy ending though. Maybe that's why women my age are often so bolshi - we refuse to be overlooked.

It certainly got a strong reaction!



V`yonne at 15:29 on 24 July 2010  Report this post
Oh dear I'm LIVING IT! and
Did Edith ever consider, she wondered, that the implicit message of her perpetual tardiness was that in some way, Marion’s time was less valuable than her own?

The number of times I've felt like that!

A very strongly menopausal piece and that loss of confidence from being hot and overweight really came over.

Desormais at 09:50 on 25 July 2010  Report this post
Thanks everyone for their comments. When you are writing in full flow and then come to the awkward bit, the one that has you searching for the right word or phrase, no matter how you might rework it, that's always the part that sticks out as slightly wrong to other people. But all very useful comments, thanks again.


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